In my last few articles I have been accused of being offensive by some Muslims who critiqued my work as painting all Muslims with the same brush, and so I thought the best thing for me to do would be to respond to this criticism so as to avoid being accused of ignoring the issue.
In my travels in attempting to respond to this, I stumbled across a video of Pat Condell, who himself had the same problem. I have decided to copy his work since it mostly echo’s my thoughts on the matter, with a few minor edits to best echo my own views.
I hope this clears up any confusion as to my feelings towards those who feel they have been offended by my views.
Well, first of all, I want to apologize to anyone who has not been offended by one of my articles recently. I know that some people only read the damn things to be offended and I don’t like to disappoint. I happen to know that some people have been offended because they write to me and tell me so, which is good, because I like to hear everyone’s opinion.
Like anyone else who criticizes the religion of peace, I get my share of violent threats from single brain-celled organisms masquerading as human beings. Indeed, to call some of my correspondents deranged and moronic would be excessively polite and, well, tantamount to flattery. The same flattery that a paedophile prophet deserves, and lets face it, is what Mohammed actually was.
Some of it, though, can be quite amusing and, this week, I’ve been accused of singling out a billion Muslims. Well, you know, I always say if you’re going to single people out, you might as well do it a billion at a time or you’ll be there all day. Seriously, if anybody knows how to single out a billion Muslims, I’d be interested to hear the technique. It sounds tricky and complicated. If science could find a way to achieve it, imagine where that technology might take us. After all, if you can single out a billion, surely you can single out a trillion. Imagine that, a trillion Muslims all nicely singled out and ready to go. It sounds absurd and impossible, doesn’t it? So I’m sure we’ll find the answer somewhere in quantum physics. Obviously, when I say ‘we’, I won’t be participating in the search myself because I’m an ignoramus, unfortunately, but I will be extremely keen to use the technology when it becomes available so that I can safely and conveniently single out Muslims a billion or a trillion at a time whenever the need arises.
You’re bound to hear if you criticize the religion of permanent offense, sooner or later, that some pompous arse will grandly accuse you of having offended a billion Muslims, as if anybody’s supposed to care. And it’s always said with such laughable solemnity, as if a kind of sacred line has been crossed . . . the one billion Muslim line. Yeah, it’s a line all right. Let me tell you something, if you’ve never offended a billion Muslims, I recommend it. You can almost feel the shockwave going around the planet as 2 billion hands are thrown up in horror. Well, maybe not quite 2 billion when you take into account all the convicted shoplifters and other petty criminals, not to mention all the women who are afraid to do anything at all without their husband’s permission because, if they do, they’ll be beaten to a pulp, especially if they happen to live in the insane asylum we know as Pakistan, where 90% of women suffer regular domestic violence and a 1000 women a year are murdered by members of their own family. Yet this doesn’t seem to offend the billion Muslims.
One thing I’ve noticed is that these billion Muslims only ever seem to get really offended by trivial things like words and pictures, which are usually enough to bring if not a billion, certainly thousands, of them into the streets for an orgy of rioting and killing, for which we in the West have to take full responsibility and follow up with a round of apologizing and appeasing and placating.
Thanks to modern technology, much of it Israeli (no coincidence there, I feel), a person, today, can blaspheme on one side of the world and Muslims on the other side can know about it and be rioting and killing each other in seconds. Actually though, come to think of it, isn’t that rather haram? Not rioting and killing each other, obviously, because that comes straight out of the mosque - with the full blessing of the clerics. If only that was haram. No. I’m talking about Israeli technology. How haram is that? That’s got to be double haram with a cherry on top, minimum, surely.
Ah, but luckily for the Muslim world, hypocrisy is not haram. It’s very much halal. Indeed, it’s a veritable staple among the frequently invoked one billion Muslims who are always offended by all the wrong things. They’re not offended, for example, by a religion that sanctions marriage for prepubescent girls or that punishes women for being raped. Not a whisper of protest there. Everybody’s busy looking at the floor. Or staring up at the wonderful Islamic art that was created during the Dark Ages – I mean it, it’s some of the most beautiful art I have ever seen, which is surprising, since the religion is the most disgusting I have ever come across. Nor are they offended in the slightest, it seems, by the widespread persecution of gay people or religious minorities throughout the Muslim world.
And this is because the people who typically invoke a billion Muslims are not offended by these things either, which is why the only response they truly deserve and, I hope, the only response they will ever get, is a billion non-Muslim middle fingers in the air right back at them. With all due respect.
Peace to everyone. And I hope I haven’t singled out another billion Muslims with this piece but, if I have, what can I say? In for a billion, in for a trillion.
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