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Irukandji
 
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Old age is a scam

04 January 2014, 09:21

After doing considerable in-depth investigative journalism and covert stuff, I can now reveal the shocking details of a skeleton-in-the-cupboard, right here on News24!

WARNING: This story is NOT for the faint hearted. (Or for those who do not understand the phrase: Tongue in cheek.)

For too long, old people have been hiding the truth from the world. For too long, they have been laughing behind our backs. For too long, we have pitied their frail old bodies. I’ve discovered the old fogeys’ well kept secret! We’ve all been bamboozled by these old oxygen thieves for hundreds of years!

Working undercover, it has taken me many years to finally make it to the inner circle of the Senior Citizens and Retirees’ Club. In the process, I’ve had to stop working and have disguised myself as an old-age pensioner – just to make it look as if I’ve reached the: “Waiting for God,” stage of my life. So far, none of the old farts and fartresses has detected the charade. (I must be a good actor.)

I’m sure you’ve all heard some elderly person saying: “Old age is not for sissies,” – and then act as if they were bearing the burden of their years.

This is nothing but a scam! They just don’t want you to know how much fun they are secretly having at your expense.

Here are the facts about growing old. It might surprise you:

Old age is wonderful! Given a bit of time and practice, you too, can turn into an old fart overnight. Here’s all you have to do:

Get yourself one of those walkers (walking frame), or better still, a rollator. That’s the fancy model with wheels, a seat, handbrakes, and a pouch/basket (for your six-pack and cigarettes) which folds down for storage or travelling.

When you go shopping, park your walker in the middle of the aisles and stare at the goods on the shelves for as long as you like. This will cause a shopping cart traffic jam. But don’t worry; the rest of the shoppers will wait patiently for you to move out of the way. Because you’re old. And they respect you.

Pretend that you are as deaf as a dormouse. People will talk behind your back in your presence, thinking you cannot hear what they’re saying. They will say dreadful things (the truth) about you. This makes it so much easier when you compile your last will and new testament.

Pretend that you keep forgetting things. They will think that you’ve got Alzheimer’s disease. You’ll save a fortune because they won’t hold it against you for “forgetting” to buy presents for their birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, and so on.

It also helps if you develop the habit of trembling your fingers, hands, arms, ears, legs, jaw, nose, or head. People will think you’ve got Parkinson’s disease. Note: Do not do this if you are fond of whiskey. You’ll spill a lot of the precious stuff on the floor.

To cure your phony Parkinson’s disease (and save good whiskey), you have to pretend that you are suffering from false Alzheimer’s disease. This will cause you to forget to tremble your fingers, hands, arms, ears, legs, jaw, nose, and head.

Something else that I have found in my research is this:

Old age is fun!

Waking up in the morning is always a surprise. You never know which body part, organ, limb, or appendage, has started to malfunction during the night. A slew of aches and pains, in places where you didn’t even know you had places, will manifest themselves. You will learn new medical terms. Your knowledge of over-the-counter and under-the-counter medicines will expand exponentially. 

People will let you move to the front of the queue at the bus stop. They will help you get on the bus. They will offer their seats on the bus for you. They will help you get off the bus. They will help you across the street. They will hold the doors to the lift open for you to get in. They will push the button to your floor. They will smile politely when you fart in the lift. (In your dreams, my China!)

Old people are having a lot of fun and are surrounded by friends, family, and loved ones. (OK, I’m talking about my set of circumstances.) And, in my case, I don’t even have to get up in the morning and go to work. Ever.

Lastly, there’s this song by Toby Keith. Two lines from the lyrics illustrate my situation at this time of my life:

“I ain’t as good as I once was,

But I’m as good once as I ever was.”

Have a wonderful 2014. Get old soon, so you too, can begin to enjoy life.
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