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The Last Contrarian
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Only for Atheists! No Really!

12 April 2012, 07:02

This article goes out to all my fellow atheists out there who are fighting the good fight. I hope you all enjoy this piece as much as I enjoyed writing it.

While drinking, I often ponder what the result of the condensed hybridization of two (or more) famous people would sound like. The hour is late, and tonight I ponder what it would sound like if we melded FW de Klerk, Pope Benedict the 16th,and Michio Kaku (theoretical physicist and co-developer of string theory) into one person, and let the aberration speak to us for a bit.

By the power of fiction and the written word, I give you Pope Been-a-dick de Klerk Kaku, the current pope of the catholic church. He is also the former president of this fair country, South Africa, and was instrumental (in his own small way) in the abolition of apartheid. When he is not travelling the world, draining the wallets and purses of the inhabitants of third world countries with his extensive missionary projects around the world, he spends much of his time as a lecturing professor in both physics and mathematics at MIT University, in the united States!

In addition to his long list of accolades, he also combines FW’s accent, with the pope’s lust, and Michio’s comprehension of science and physics, to give the world—and it’s our turn tonight—an enthralling message of struggle, hope, and salvation as no other Pope, President, or Physicist has ever given before, or possibly ever will! I ask you all to put your hands together for Aberration!

(Rapturous applause from the audience as Aberration takes the mic…)

Thank you, thank you Contrarian… wow, thank you for that wonderful introduction; you got all my titles right and in the correct order, I might add haha. Thank you also for mentioning my love for the missionary position; You know we have had great success in Arica, parts of Brazil, and we hope to do the same in rural India later this year with our latest missionary movement called ‘curry on giving’. The hard working men and women at my ministry’s headquarters, in the USA, have been focusing our message of hope for the last 15 years on the sort of countries that have always been exploited by and most vulnerable to religion. But the main difference with us is that The Message of Hope and Salvation that we spread knows no infidel! We accept everybody’s money (and all major credit cards) regardless of your religious convictions. We appeal to all faiths and everyone will find their own truths equally represented and echoed in our universal message of love.

Wow, it is hot in here tonight, but thank you all for coming, and thank you for paying the R1,500 admission fee that we sprung on you at the door without prior notice haha. For those still trying to come in, we do take Visa and MasterCard, cash cheques—don’t cross them please haha—and electronic funds transfer! In fact our hosts had an ATM installed near the vending machine, if I recall correctly—Contrarian is that right?— (nods)  just for that purpose, and our Faith Ministry’s staff have set up an internet banking booth in the parking lot to aid those of you who want to do a bank-wire transfer.

You know, it’s always so nice to be in South Africa, the birth land of one third of me, and tonight I have a very special message for people from all walks of life. Whether you are religious, or work in the sciences, or even if you just have a LUST for life and others; I think you will find something special to take away with you after you hear the message I bring to you all tonight.

I apologise for arriving a bit late, I got held up—this is South Africa after all haha—so I ask that we skip the opening session of song and prayer and get on with the program—I have a plane to catch in four hours and that event has three times the number of attendees this one has. I’m a busy bunny for god haha; I just LOVE spreading the word and raking in your hard-earned cash.

(After waiting for the hall to fill with people and his bank to confirm the deposits, Aberration now switches to his FW de Klerk accent, `n lekker, rou, Afrikaner accent!)

N hartlike welkom vanaand liewe broeders en susters… I’ve been consulting with the holy spirit now for the last 23 years of my life (750ml, 45% alcohol by volume), and it has been revealed to me by our father who art in Scotland, the Johnny Walker distillery in partnership with the savior, South African Breweries –the proprietor of Carling black label— that the end, as prophesized in the holy bible, is nigh… which I also did with the choirboy. Jammer ouboet, I’m part catholic after-hol.

Tonight’s sermon will be regarding the fig of eve and the snake that tempted it— I mean the story of Eve and the tree of knowledge. Please bear with me liewe gemeente, my brother’s son ran away when I visited their residence last week. We’ve heard nothing from him yet, and the whole family is upset, including me.

Anyways, ok, so the tree of knowledge story will leave me too tongue-tied this evening so I’ll talk about Job (Afrikaans pronunciation), the man of god. See Job was a man profusely tested by the lord… until eventually even the lord asked him, “you want a hand Job?” Jammer, jammer, no Mrs. Botha please don’t faint, it was a slip of the tongue! Remember the bible says your own tongue condemns you! Estelle get off my organ and go and help Mrs. Botha! Ag vader, not you too Mr. Botha!

Sorry Evette can I please borrow a handkerchief to wipe the sweat from my foreskin; I mean my forehead, my forehead! (Inaudible mumble to self) Come now don’t screw this up… but it’s been four hours since I last sodomized a young boy. Dammit, keep yourself together!

(After calming himself down and regaining composure—oom Kriel in the back row now turning his hearing aid to full blast—the Papal ex-President and Physicist continues with dictatorial intonation)

People of the community… I want to say that we are all sinners, myself included. We are all weak to the temptations of the flesh. Tonight I don’t want to be hard-on… those people who have premarital sex, or drink, or commit crime. Instead, I want to say… that we should do as jesus did: chase the spirits and come into pigs!

People always ask me, but what is sin dominee? The old testament gives a vividly clear explanation… (now shouting) IF A MAN LAY WITH ANOTHER MAN… THEY MUST SURELY BE STONED TO DEATH! And here we have two examples of sin… smoking dagga leads to homosexuality, therefore both are sins! (I interject here to give would-be writers a little lesson regarding the order of words in the English language, and how important it is to master this skill if you want people to interpret your writing as you intended. Use this simple little memory crutch: Men, would you rather be hung over, or over hung?)

We must instead be like the strongman of the bible… Samson… who took the ass-bone of a jew, the jaw bone of an ass, I mean… and slayed those filthy swines! (Gaining momentum, like an evangelical preacher on a roll) Ja nee, we must not be like the Pharisees… those donnerse jews with money… who wanted to turn the house of the lord into their own pleasure palace, full of gambling and abhorrent practices without sharing the profits with the church.

We must observe our neigbour’s wife……….. (moderate pause)……… and his children……. (moderate pause)….. and our neighbour, and never succumb to desire; I mean envy!

I want to appeal to all those out there who don’t know the lord…

(An audience member shouts loudly) Go to hell with your vuil appeal en all!

I want to appeal… Sir, are you drunk again? Don’t make me say out loud what you told my emissaries in the confessional last week, jy sal jou donnerse slaghuis moet toemaak as almal hier weet wat jy met daai wors van jou doen! And this goes for the rest of you, remember, I know all your dirty little secrets. Now sit down and shut up!

… As I was saying… where was I? Anyway, I forgot… but let me make this point… we must be unrelenting in our need for god… we must grab god and never let him go! Like Jacob… who in the old testament wrestled with the lord all night until the lord gave him a stiff leg and said… “let me go Jacob!” I think this story tells us something profound about the nature of god.

We must have faith like Abraham, who was told to prick to death with a knife his own son to prove his faith in the lord. This is why I prick everyone’s son… so that I can show my faith in the lord… and if I had my own son, I’d prick him too.

If the bible taught me one thing brothers and sisters… it is that jesus is a man of endurance… he comes, twice! And the bible speaks volumes particularly of the second coming… because that is the most important one… it brings on the rupture! When the lord comes the second time… all hell will break loose upon the earth. Let us not forget that in the days of Noah… god flooded and drowned everything on the earth… and this was before he even came the first time—a sort of cosmic, godlike, pre-ejaculation… if you will.

Ja gemeente, I know that these are troubled times. Those blerrie atheists… scientists… and physicists, who are at the forefront of scientific discovery and human knowledge, who use the self-correcting process known as science, are telling us all kinds of nonsense that is not consistent with a book written by people from 2000+ years ago. One needs only reflect on how dumb, superstitious, and backward people were from just a hundred years ago, and times (operand) that by twenty to realise how dof the biblical authors would have been. Ag sorry, wrong speech—that’s for Tuesday at my university physics lecture.

Just to elaborate a bit on that, though, we physicists have determined that the square of the angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the size of the rise, and by knowing this we can, to thirty decimal places; calculate the deflection of the expanding erection. This equation will finally allow us physicists to understand why a cold draft on the shaft can have such adverse effects!

What I meant to say was… to eradicate this growing threat of science and reason… in this coming national erection… election… I want each of you to vote for a man of god, and not a man of science… to lead this fair country of ours back into the dark ages… and eventually the Stone Age… and eventually back up the trees. The way forward for the faithful is backward. Jesus said, “we must become like children,” implying that we must go back to a time of ignorance… stupidity… and gullibility… incapable of thinking and reasoning for ourselves before we can enter into the kingdom of god.

I know I don’t preach endlessly about only one verse in the bible… as do other preachers. This is because I think everyone who does not interpret the bible as I do… and everyone who does not do as I do… will go into everlasting hell. The lord tells us… “there will be many who ‘come’ in my name,” (like the catholic priests?)… and that they will try to deceive the children of the lord and lead them astray (definitely the catholic priests)! We must therefore know real salvation from false salvation… if we are to be united with god at the end.

Let us also reflect on a part of the message of jesus. He said, “I am the groom and you are my bride.” This is one of the parts of the bible I feel should be taken literally… not figuratively. We can thus imply with certainty… that Jesus looks forward to the wedding night… which, at least for the bride, can be described as… close your eyes and think of England. The lord is love after all. He said be fruitful and multiply.

And so… I want to conclude tonight’s sermon, and remind all of you that my BMW in the parking lot, and my house on skuld-bult (Waterkloof) are expensive. Therefore the lord says that you should give your tithe (a tenth of all your earnings)… so that I and other unholy men may live in luxury by working one day a week for 2 hours.

Let us close with a prayer; Estelle, get on my organ!

Liewe hemelse vader… we are gathered here tonight to praise your great name. We profess to you our sins… and we ask you to speak us free from responsibility… and the need to rectify our past mistakes. We know we will go out and sin without inhibition for the whole of next week, only to commune here again and repeat this same request for absolution.

Dear lord we ask that you vanquish our enemies and give us the sweet incense, the smoke of their torment, one day when we are with you in heaven. We look forward to the eternal torture of those who disagree with us, challenge us with science and reason, and show us that the bible is just a book full of superstition, and errant assumptions made by primitive, desert-dwelling homo sapiens from the middle east.

Dear lord, we prostrate ourselves in front of you and raise our tormented faces and beg you to come unto us with your full glory. Shower us with your holy spirit and make us witnesses of your actions.

In Carling black label’s name—preferably chilled—amen!

Play with my organ Estelle!

(The morbid, funeraesque, organ music fills the hall and the community go through the money filters at the doors).

--If any religious people read this, you may now tell me to fry in hell--

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