Dear God,
I still haven’t heard from you since I prayed on http://www.news24.com/MyNews24/An-Atheist-Prayer-20130208 , so I take it that you have been thinking a lot about what I said. I also haven’t been sitting on my thumbs and I realised that you might want a couple of ideas. I’m a pretty intelligent guy – if I must say so myself – so here are a few of my humble suggestions:
1. 1, Cut back on the free will that you have given to some of these losers. It’s obvious to anyone with a brain that these guys can’t handle it.
2. 2. Why, oh why didn't you just program everyone to be good? I bet you never thought of that. Is it too late for a rethink?
3. 3. You could appear every couple of years to prove that you exist. Say every five years in Times Square or Cape Town’s waterfront. Maybe call down fire from heaven on a few hypocritical Christians, to keep the rest in line. Just saying.
4. 4. I just don’t understand you. Why is that? Are you more complicated than rocket science or something? You really should think about doing a Ten Commandments kind of miracle, stone engraving, only this time a Facebook page in stone, so people can Like you and understand you better. We don’t get it about all the killing you told us to do, but threaten us with Hell if we just do it off our own bat.
I think that’s it for now. I know you have your Hands full with the well-meaning but jihad-mad Muslims. Please don’t let them know my secret identity (or anyone else, while I think of it), I don’t want anyone to come gunning for me, like that mob that did Jesus in. If you need any more ideas, let me know, somehow. My intellect is – well, let’s just say “above average” for now – so I have plenty more where the above came from.
Please give my regards to Mary and Joseph (Jesus’ step-dad, not the one with the crazy jacket). I saw a recent painting of Mary and she still has an excellent complexion, by the way.
Please don’t stay silent too long. If you do then I’m calling it quits with the whole “Jesus is my bro” thing. I’ll have to tell *everyone* that you simply don’t exist and that I descended from a monkey. No pressure.
Amen.
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