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The Last Contrarian
 
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Pistoriphobia: Coming to a bathroom near you!

02 April 2014, 07:18
A severe case of Pistoriphobia has swept the nation at an unprecedented rate, as scores of South Africans following the Oscar Pistorius trial succumb to the fear of taking a dump with the bathroom door shut.

Warning: This article is satire and may offend if interpreted literally or outside of its satirical context. Reader discretion is advised!

A malady turned tragedy has resulted in a new psychological condition taking its toll on the blonde and gullible members of South African society. Many South African men have been left utterly perplexed as to why their girlfriends have twitching legs clasped together with the same intensity as those of a nun taking public transport on the mission to secure requisites for the convent.

But when the inevitable call of nature starts to sting and burn the nether regions of the ladies shunning the lure of the loo, a hasty and suspicious retreat is made for the nearest bathroom. The usual sound of the bathroom door shutting (and sometimes locking) is conspicuously absent, prompting many a man to wander off after his lady to see if her journey had been inhibited in some way.

A glow emanating from where the usually shut bathroom door would be now greets the concerned males, who hastily move in to catch a peek disguised as ‘concern.’ As they wrap their necks around the doorway, a spectacle of emotional breakdown meets them: “PLEASE, DON’T SHOOT ME!” their girl sobs uncontrollably as she recoils in horror at the sight of her guy.

The overpowering urge to comfort the crying mess on the throne stops abruptly as the males ricochet off thin air, mere feet away from the distressed, as an impenetrable force field held up by the powerful smell around the disturbed repels with intensity. In some desperate attempt at remote consolation, some guys attempt to throw crumpled balls of tissue paper at their distraught woman.

And god help the poor sod that cautiously decided to bring his cricket bat with him on his escapade into the unknown…

Even men are not completely immune to the effects of Pistoriphobia, and some have been affected in places as unsuitable for reflection as the office toilet—where leisurely perusing the morning paper has been replaced by a wakeful nightmare of four dum dum bullets, dispensed from a Glock pistol, come crashing through the door, perforating their bodies where they sit. A few shudders later and they cut short the usually protracted session. Peering around in suspicion as they wash up, they make a hasty retreat back to their office.

Experts say that while a definitive cure for Pistoriphobia is still decades away, the affected can make progress by changing channels on their television to one showing one of the equally distressing but fictional daytime soaps. For those women who developed the condition without having being exposed to the televised Oscar Pistorius debacle, Psychologists recommend that they cease chasing after males with material wealth, something to prove, and ALPHA-type personalities.

While the last bit of advice may be sound, it goes against what evolution has painstakingly engrained in the female DNA for the better part of the last three million years!

Needless to say, the ‘small-town-resident mentality’ of some South Africans has made the Oscar Pistorius trial somewhat of the latest crime thriller series everyone’s been fixating on. Is it any surprise then that angst and superstition have now had their tanks refueled?

But there is a lesson to be learned in all this mental and emotional chaos; a caution which may be phrased as elegantly as fine literature, yet its dire warning—which is the necessary component—still shoots forth from the written form just like the foul odour now being discharged from bathrooms across the nation:

Two young snails meet at the approach of dawn, embracing lovingly before setting off, together, to reach that wonderful, luscious scene beckoning them from the horizon. Such a pity that a salt lake be the hurdle they must cross to reach paradise…

…And we know how snails cope with sodium—it is one of the first chemistry lessons we are taught.

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