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Irukandji
 
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Platters, anyone?

11 March 2014, 10:17

Don’t you sometimes get just the slightest bit upset when someone keeps on sending unsolicited spam and adverts to your e-mails address? (Yes, Sakkie, I wanted to say “die moer in,” but not in front of all the religious News24 readers.) I wish we had some legal recourse to deal with these annoying fools. (The spammers, that is, not the religious News24 readers.)

A company, who call themselves Carany Catering & Hiring (I call them something completely different – but the language that is sometimes used by ex-Sergeant Majors, is not meant for sensitive ears), have been spamming me for several months now.

I decided to give them a bit of the old runaround, so I called in the help of my Godfather: Eric de la Vega de Castro. (Eric, as some of you may know, is the Patient Saint of the sick, the underdog, the sick underdog, the poor, the weak, the widows, the poor weak widows, and the green boat people on the high seas.)

Rumours of Eric’s death have been greatly exaggerated. (So let’s just leave it there, shall we, Sakkie?)

The latest spam from Carany Catering urged me to: “Try our amazing platters. Each one assembled to you own satisfaction. Please keep in mind that special requests may influence the cost of the platter.” T’s & C’s apply.

“Now, look,” said godfather Eric on Friday the 7th of March, “I’m gonna make them an order that they can’t refuse.”

I watched as he made a selection of platters, costing a total of R7 980. He then sent the order, by e-mail, with an accompanying letter on a fake letterhead (after first carefully wiping off all his fingerprints from the letter:

Dear Sir/Madam,

RE: Your e-mail to us, advertising your platters.

Our company, Unspecified Enterprises (from Brazil), has only recently entered the job market in South Africa. We are having a function at our new offices in Centurion next Tuesday, and would like to place an order for the selected platters, as indicated. Would you please be so kind as to make the delivery between 09:00 and 10:00 on Tuesday the 11th of March 2014? Our office hours are 08:30 to 16:00, Mondays to Fridays.

We shall be paying COD.

Regards,

Eric de la Vega de Castro

PS.  We have only just moved in at our new premises and are still waiting for our telephone lines to be installed. Please contact us by e-mail, should you have any questions.

This morning (the 10th of March), I received a reply from a guy at Carany’s, who calls himself Edwin. Our ensuing e-mail conversation went like this:

07:45 “Hi Eric, Thank you we will deliver the platters to you. Regards, Edwin…”

And then, a little later, because Edwin must have realized that he didn’t know where to deliver the platters:

08:29 “Hi, Eric, Could you please provide us with your physical address and a contact person with a cell phone no. for delivery purposes.”

Eric’s personal assistant, Theresa Alvares-Cabral, sent Edwin the following reply:

09:11 “Good morning Edwin. Thank you for your reply. We are on the third, fourth, and fifth floors of the building. Parking is on the first floor. Our reception is on the third floor.  We are still moving all our office furniture and equipment into the offices and everything is a bit of a mess. You can make the delivery directly to me at our reception. Regards, and thank you again. Theresa Alavares-Cabral.”

09:36 “Hi Eric. Where in Centurion are you situated? I need a street address. Regards, Edwin.”

11:23 “Hi again, Edwin. We are next to the Centurion Lake. Not in the street. We are in the building. My boss, Senhor Eric de la Vega de Castro, is getting very angry because you seem to be fooling around with us. He is blaming me for not getting it right. I am also new in your country and do not understand everything yet. If you cannot make the delivery, we will have to get someone else to do it. Please help me, por favor, me ajude! Theresa.”

11:52 “Dear Eric, Thank you for your reply. I’m not fooling around with you, I’m trying to do business with you. For this I need a contact telephone number and a delivery address and time. Once you supply me with this information we can finalise your order.”

12:18 “Edwin. My name is Theresa. I am Senhor de Castro’s personal assistant. I have given you the time for the delivery (between 09:00 and 10:00 on Tuesday the 11th of March 2014), I’ve told you where our offices are situated, and I’ve explained that we are still waiting for our telephone lines to be installed. Yet you are still not prepared to help me with the delivery. You are a heartless, cruel man. *Deus vai castigá-lo por isso! You can cancel our order. Senhor Eric de la Vega de Castro says we will not do any business with you, ever again. Adeus, Theresa.”

I haven’t heard from Edwin again.

Before he left my house, Eric said that if I had any more hassles with Carany Catering & Hiring, he’ll have one of the guys put a severed horse’s head in Edwin’s bed. Said it always gives good results…

Sounds good to me.

*Portuguese – God will punish you for this!

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