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Irukandji
 
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Politics: Scary… and Ugly

03 May 2014, 21:00

In my 66 years on this planet, I’ve seen some pretty things. And I’ve seen some pretty scary things. And I’ve seen some pretty ugly things. But when it comes to combining ugly and scary, then nothing, and I mean NOTHING, can beat a certain photograph that I have seen.

Many years ago, I saw the movie: Child’s Play, with that horrible little doll, Chucky. For some reason this movie has made a lasting impression on me. The evil Chucky, with his beady little eyes and scarred, stitched-up face, scared the living beejaysus and begorrah out of me. (OK, Sakkie, I don’t know what either of the words ‘beejaysus,’ or ‘begorrah,’ means. But I’m just saying: I was scared sheetless.)

Once, on a hunting trip in Botswana with some friends, we spent most of the night sitting around the fire, sipping copious quantities of whiskey. I remember that it was bitterly cold, and that we were dressed like Eskimos – layer upon layer upon layer of clothing. One of my friends (let’s call him Lucas, because that’s his real name, after all) announced that he had an appointment with Number 2, and staggered walked elegantly off into the bush.

(Now, for those of you who have never spent the night around a campfire sipping whiskey – I’ll let you in on a little secret: Sipping large quantities of whiskey can increase the effect that gravity has on the sipper. It magnifies and amplifies the force of gravity, so to speak. Newton’s Law of Gravitational Force on Sippers, explains this phenomenon very clearly: The gravitational force between two objects is proportional to the mass of each, and inversely proportional to the amount of whiskey consumed by the Sipper. Thus F = Gm1m2/S²)

After about five minutes, Lucas started moaning, cursing, and bitching – generally making unhappy sounds in the darkness behind the bushes. He came struggling through the undergrowth back into the firelight, trying to get dressed, while composing interesting combinations of swearwords, and inventing new strings of profanities.

It was UGLY.

It turned out that the increase in gravity had a disastrous effect on Lucas. He was plucked down from a squatting position, by Newton’s F = Gm1m2/S², right on top of a newly hatched Number 2. Number 2 was seriously injured…

We had virtually no water; Lucas had no spare clothes; the nearest town was hundreds of kilometers away; and the night was bitterly cold.

As I’ve said: It was UGLY.

On my very first parachute jump (static line), immediately after exiting from the little Cessna, I got a ‘klap’ from the tail wing to the back of my head. I instantly lost 5 kg. All of it brown. I was in semi-comatose daze for quite a few seconds. After I had landed, I couldn’t remember how I got down to earth. And that THAT was scary!

I once walked into the public toilets at Church Square, in Pretoria. I would have liked to go into the details and tell you exactly what I saw, but, this being a public forum; decorum prevents me from doing so. Suffice to say: it was UGLY. Extremely so.

I remember listening to a speech by the late Eugene Terreblanche – he of the falling-off-the-horse-with-holes-in-the-green-underpants fame, and it was truly SCARY. ET had the gift of the WORD. He could drive his supporters into a feeding frenzy with hate speech and false patriotism. He made me understand how Hitler came to power. SCARY, indeed.

OK. Enough examples, let’s get down to brass tacks: Ugly and Scary combined.

The Sowetan carried a story with the headline:

Jobs, everything grows with the DA. We’ve all become used to these empty promises made by our politicians. Nothing new there.

But then, the UGLY and the SCARY hit the fan! Together!! Scarier than Chucky; uglier than Lucas’ misadventure in the bush:

Accompanying the Sowetan’s story was a photo of Madam Helen of Botox – dancing in tackies, and dressed in a skirt made out of the National Flag. Although I have seen the photo before, it had lost none of its sheer ugliness and scariness. This was much scarier than the pictures of her kissing The One with the Saddle-blanketed Head.

According to the Sowetan’s article, Madam Botox had also said: “Every blue person must come out and vote. Keep to the blue, because blue stays true.”

(No, Sakkie. She wasn’t asking the Smurfs to vote for her, she was using typical political mumbo-jumbo – never call a spade a spade. Besides, the Smurfs will never vote for the DA: the DA is much too white.)

Malema once said that Zille dances like a monkey. Let me tell you: He insulted monkeys on a grand scale – monkeys do not make fools of themselves just to garner a few more ‘blue’ votes.

So here is my final decision:

I shall not vote for the DA – not while Zille is in charge of the party anyway. I have no respect for a politician who behaves like a monkey trying to do the Can-can – especially without accompaniment of the music from Jacques Offenbach’s Infernal Galop.

Besides: Both Zuma and Malema can dance a much better *Bobbejaan-vastrap than Zille could ever hope to do.

As I’ve said many times before: “I am a man with strong moral principles. But if you don’t like them – I have some others as well.”

So… I shall I not be voting for the DA. (Unless they give me a free T-shirt and KFC. And a real job. And a free house. And free electricity. And a free dignified toilet. And free tackies. And…)

*Bobbejaan-vastrap – a tribal dance, usually performed on stage by the corrupt ANC and EFF leaders, to the traditional songs: Awuleth’ Mshini Wami, and Kill the Farmer, kill the Boer

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