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Presidential Interview

29 January 2013, 18:49

‘Good morning! This is Brent Underpants from Crack News reporting to you live from Afrizania, where I’ve managed to secure a one-on-one interview with the President, Zacob Jooma. Mr President…’

‘Your Excellency, or Mighty One, that’s how my people refer to me.’

‘Oh, I’m sorry, your Excellency, oh Mighty One. Thank you for agreeing to appear on Crack News with this exclusive interview. I must say, this is a beautiful palace you have here!’

‘Thank you. It had to be…built…you see because…the people, that is, our supporters…who support me unconditionally…they insist I must live in… complete security. Some people in this country…enemies of Democracy, say I hit the leader…of the opposition with my…mathondo. I would…never do something…like that!’

‘Excuse me, Your Excellency, oh Mighty one, but what is a mathondo? Our international viewers might not understand the word.’

 ‘Heh heh heh! In English it is… called a …penis.’

‘Was this person very short?’

 ‘Heh heh heh! No…I am…very talented!’

‘Oh yes, ha ha! Your Excellency, oh Mighty One, what is the name of the Presidential Palace?’

‘We have called… it by the traditional name… Taxpayscandla, which means… People who love their leader in… our native tongue.’

 ‘Your Excellency oh Mighty One, may I ask a political question?’

‘Yes…of course.’

‘Your Excellency oh Mighty One, we have heard the Opposition refer to the corruption in Afrizania. Is this true?’

‘Yes…it is true. We…have arrested many…Opposition politicians…for corruption. We oppose corruption on every…level.’

‘Your Excellency oh Mighty One, our viewers in Europe and the United States do not understand your views on polygamy. Would you care to elaborate for our viewers?’

‘Heh heh heh, of course! In our culture…it is normal to…have more than…one wife and if…you sleep with woman…who is not your wife…and she complains…I must marry her.’

‘Your Excellency oh Mighty One, the Opposition say you have become a billionaire since becoming President. What do you say to that?’

‘Heh heh heh, they don’t…know what they are…talking about. I was a billionaire…before I became President…the money was just…in a fixed deposit. These people are liars and they…want to make us…look bad. The people love us…that is why they…dance in the streets.’

'Your Excellency oh Mighty One, why do the people  burn tires and complain about poor service delivery?'

‘Heh heh heh because there used to be…a racist colonial…government in this…country before…we freed it. Now things are not…working because of… the corruption in…that regime…and they burn tires to…show how much they…hate that regime…and they dance to show…how happy they are…with us, their true…leaders.’

‘Your Excellency oh Mighty One, now that you are President for Life, is it still necessary to hold elections?’

‘Heh heh heh heh! I thought you said erections! Heh heh heh! I would not hold…my own erection! Heh heh heh heh! Aaah, that was a good…joke, a very…good joke! Yes, we must hold elections every five years…so the people can…see what a good President I…am!’

‘Your Excellency oh Mighty One, can they vote for the Opposition?’

‘Heh heh heh, of course…they can! But they love me too much…to do that. The Opposition have a separate booth for their…votes, so that the …people do not vote…for the wrong party…by mistake. This is a real Democracy!’

‘Thank you Your Excellence oh Mighty One for that very enlightening interview. This is Brett Underpants signing off for Crack News!'

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