I love smoking. I truly do. I know that it is unattractive, I’ve been made well aware of the health risks involved and I imagine that many of you have probably lost loved ones to cigarette related diseases.
A friend of mine calls it 'an expensive way to die'. I agree. And that is why I am quitting. Again.
Yes, I’ve attempted this before. At least three times. Each time with relative success. The first lasted an entire seven months. And then Austria happened. I went skiing and everyone smoked. It was ridiculous and beautiful. The Alps, snow, schnapps, beer and cigarettes. That was what that entire month was about.
I told myself that I would quit again once I got home. It took three months after returning to mentally prepare myself, but I did it. I quit again. This time for roughly four months, but then tragedy struck and my mother died. So, I rekindled the old flame. And lit up. It was a comfort.
Of course, thereafter, I decided that I would start living a healthy life. I cycled, ate well, tried to keep myself and my remaining family members intact. Everything seemed to be calming down until the news broke that my father had passed away, three months after my mother. My parents were completely co-dependent.
He basically stopped living. I kept replaying the scene in Oscar Wilde’s play (the Importance of being Earnest.) "To lose one parent, Mr Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness." I was angry, sad and resented myself. So, I embraced instant gratification and reached for the cigarettes once again.
And I haven’t stopped since then. It’s been two years and a mixture of emotions. From sadness, to bliss, to anxiety, to moments of great clarity and ultimately, moments of deep self-loathing. It’s hard to respect yourself when you can’t respect your health. But it is also hard to quit relationships. And when you’re a smoker, you are in a relationship with your habit.
Charles Bukowski wrote: "Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better."
I hope to fail better.
Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.