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Rasslin' an' Sech

13 May 2014, 12:06

I bin livin’ in th’ holler fer a long, long time an’ I never knowed it t’ be so goldarned cold in my whole life! Snow up in the moun’ains and even a few li’l flurries down in th’ holler, made so a body din’ know whut to do wi’ hisse’f.

Now I know up in Indiani an’ Minnesota it’s a whole passel colder than here, but them folks knows whut t’ do when it gits cold. Us folks down in th’ holler, we don’ know how t’ handle this kinda cold. I’m jes’ surprised nobuddy’s friz t’ death yet.

Huntin’s becomin’ a real chore, cuz them li’l critters is hidin’ away f’um the cold as well, and good eatin’ is becoming mighty scarce roun’ here.

Now Hiram, he’s the Mayor an’ a mighty fine feller, but even somebuddy as good as him is gonna git tired a Abner an’Buford. Not Buford so much, cuz he’s like a li’l ol’ dawg wi’ them big ol’ eyes, but Abner, why he thanks he knows ever’thang, even if Hiram done got hisse’f a college eddication.

He wus tellin’ Hiram how plants wus growin’, callin’ it photysynthetics an’ sechlike, until Hiram cornered him an’ tol’ him, ‘Look Abner, it ain’t called photysynthetics, it’s called photosynthesis, an’ ifn you had a brain in yore haid instead a jest a jaw whut never stops talkin’,  why you might larn sumpin’.’

‘In th’ winter, plants go inta a sorta hibernation, like bears an’ sechlike, cuz they need sunlight t’ make them grow. Photosynthesis is when they convert sunlight inta energy fer growin’,  it ain’t ‘bout plants not likin’photos.’

Well, Abner mumbled t’ hisse’f an’ sulked a mite; he din’ like t’ be corrected in front of Buford, cuz Buford looked up t’ him, an’ now he felt kinda stupid. Thisyere winter wuz really gittin’ on ever’body’s nerves, and they wuz feelin’ kinda stir crazy, all stuck in th’ cabin with nowhere t’ go an’ nuthin’ t’ do.

So when the thaw come along and spring started showin’,  they wuz almighty glad t’ git outn the cabin, even ifn it wuz still cold as a witch’s teat. Abner ‘n’ Buford made their way back up their own cabin, Abner complainin’ all th’ while ‘bout Hiram an’ his knowitall attitude. ‘Feller thanks cuz he bin t’ college he knows ever’thang!’ he muttered. Buford said nothing, cuz he din’ wanna rile Abner anymore than he wus a’ready.

After a few days a settin’ in their cabin, near t’ freezin’,  they heerd Bubba wus visitin’ Hiram, so they moseyed on up there an’ I kin tell y’all, spring or not, it shore wus cold thet there sun mukin’ jest about no difference. Thet there wind felt like it come straight f’um the North Pole, cuttin’ right through a body. But when they come up over the rise, there wus Bubba’s truck, wi’ them big fancy wheels an’ the Stars and Bars on his antenna. Man, thet there truck wus a beaut!

Abner an’ Buford, they hurried up thet there hill t’ Hiram’s  place, an’ they wus  a’ready a noise comin’ f’um Hiram’s cabin, an’ it wus a’ways thet way when Bubba wus in town. When they walked in, he sang out, ‘Howdy there, boys, whyn’t  y’all grab yourse’ves a beer? I brung some a thet there big city beer, thet you boys like so much!’

Well, them two din’t need no secon’ invitation; it wusn’ offen thet they had thet there big city beer in them fancy cans. They each took one and popped it open and, my! she tasted good! It wus cold outside, but it din’t matter none, this big city beer wus sumpin’ special.

Well, Bubba wus tellin’ stories an’ ever’body wus laughin’ sumpin fierce, cuz his stories wuz real funny, an’ he had them sayin’s, real clever like, thangs like, ‘I wus as mad as a harelip playin’ Bingo, gittin’ Bingo, an’ tryin’ t’ shout “Bingo!”’

But then he givin’ his reason fer comin’ t’ th’ holler. They wus this big city rassler in town, an’ he wus offerin’ anybuddy a thousan’ Dollars, ifn they could stay in th’ring wi’ him fer five minutes. They din’ have t’ win or nothin’, they jest had t’stay in the ring an’ maybe take some pain, but a thousan’ Dollars wus a whole heap a money, so everbuddy wus queuin’ up t’ spen’ some time in the ring wi’ him. An’ the folks in the town, they wus payin’ good money t’ see it an’ have theirse’ves a good ol’ laugh.

Well, Bubba, he wus purty big an’ strong, plus he knew how t’ fight, so he wus up fer makin’ hisse’f whut he called ‘money fer nothin’’. So, cold or no, they all trooped inta town, behind Bubba’s truck, an’ my oh my, they never wus so many folks crowded inta town as thet day. This wus bigger than the day Hiram wus elected!

Now, Hiram bein’ Mayor an’all, he din’t have t’ pay nuthin’ t’ git in, an’ he could bring hisse’f some guests. So even though Abner’d bin workin’ on his nerves, he wus a good feller an’ he tooken them in as special guests, cuz they din’ have no money. An’ man! they wus excited. This wus th’ biggest thang they’d ever seen in their whole lives!

Cuz Hiram wus Mayor, they set down right in th’ front, an’ thet wus even more excitin’. ‘Hey Abner,’ said Buford. ‘Why they call thet thang a ring, when it ain’t roun’?’

Well Abner, he din’ wanna make hisse’f look stupid if fronta Hiram agin, so he jes’ said, ‘I dunno, Bu. I never seen rasslin’ b’fore.’

Now, fer you folks whut never saw rasslin’ b’fore, I’ll ‘splain it t’ya. They done got this square platform, with canvas on’t, an’ poles on each corner, with ropes tied real tight t’ each pole, one on top, an’ one in th’ middle. Don’t make no sense t’ me nuther, why they callin’ it a ring, but they do, an’ thet’s jes’ the way she is.

Well, thisyere big city rassler, he wus mighty big a’right, wi’ them big bulgin’ muscles, an’ ever’buddy wus whoopin’ an’ hollerin’ an’havin’ theirse’ves a good ol’laugh, cuz all these farm boys and suchlike, big, strong boys, they thunk they could beat him, not jes’ stay in the ring with him! An’ he wus game a’right! He wus fightin’ them and pertendin’ like it wus more difficult than it wus, but he won agin’ ever single one a them boys.

Then Bubba token off his shirt an’ his shoes an’, even ifn he had hisse’f a bit of a belly, he had mighty big muscles. An’ he never thunk he could win, but he reckoned he could stay in the ring with this feller fer five minutes. Thet wus his plan, anyhows.

He got inta the ring an’ crouched down, grabbin’ at the rassler’s han’s, then pullin’ away, real cute like. But the rassler wus playin with him, you could see it. After ‘bout four minutes, why thet rassler picked Bubba up an’ throwed him outa th’ ring. Bubba picked hisse’f up offn the floor an’ wen’ back t’ his seat, rubbin’ his behin’ an laughin’ ‘long wi’ ever’buddy else. An’ ever’buddy who got inta thet there ring came up the same, an’ thet there rassler wus havin’ the time’ a his life.

Well, you’ll never b’lieve whut happened nex’. Buford, he got up an’ said he wus gonna take thet there rassler on. Abner’s eyes looked as big as Buford’s right then. ‘Y’all crazy?!’ he said. ‘How in tarnation you gonna beat him, when not even Bubba or anybuddy else could?’

‘I din say I wus gonna fight him!’ said Buford.

‘Well, whut in tarnation y’all gonna do?’ asked Abner.

Now mos’ folks ‘roun’ here don’ know it, but Buford is faster’n a jack rabbit. There ain’t nuthin’ or nobuddy ever caught him when he bin runnin’, cuz he’s so fas’ even the houn’s  given up chasin’ him. An’thet wus his plan. He wus gonna run ‘roun’ thet there ring an’ stay outn thet rassler’s way fer a whole five minutes, an’ git hisse’f a thousan’ Dollars inta the bargain. Though on’y the good Lord kows whut he would do with all thet money.

‘Jes’ you watch,’ said Buford, all mysterious like, an’ clumb inta the ring. Well, this rassler crouched down wi’ a smile on his face, an ‘pproached Buford, holdin’ out his han’s like rasslers do, and as he got to Buford, Buford scooted t’ the other side a the ring; like greased lightnin’ he wus. The rassler ‘proached him agin an’, soon as he come close, Buford scooted away agin. Now Abner done seen whut Buford wus up to, an’ a big ol’smile lit up his face, an’ he sat back t’ enjoy hisse’f. He knowed nobuddy wus ever gonna cetch Buford!

Well, the rassler started gittin’ real angry now; he wusn’ smilin’ no more. He wus real serious, an’ worst of all, Buford wus stickin’ out his tongue and putting his thumbs in his ears an’ wagglin’ his fingers. He wus havin’ a whale of a time, an’ the rassler wus gittin madder an’ madder, till you could almos’ see the steam comin’ outn his ears.

Then Buford got too sassy, an’ ran too close t’ thet rassler, an’ the rassler grabbed his han’ an’ swung him up over his shoulders, then twisted him up like a pretzel. Ever’buddy wen’ quiet then; no whoopin’, no hollerin’, no laughin’, no nuthin’. They knowed Buford wus in serious trouble. It wus so quiet a body could hear Buford’s spine creakin’ as this rassler bent him some more.

Suddenly there wus a scream, an’ this rassler wen’ flyin’ outn the ring, landin’ on the chairs, right on some a the folks, holdin’ his back an’ groanin’. Buford, he staggered outn th’ ring an’ th’ rassler’s manager said t’him, ‘Thet wus mighty impressive, son. Not even the biggest fellers could ever beat him, but you did it!’ He paid him his thousan’Dollars and wen’ t’see t’ his rassler, who wus still lookin’ purty bad there on th’ chairs.

Buford he’ up th’ money an’ shouted, ‘Let’s git down t’ th’ saloon! I’m buyin’ ever’buddy a beer today!’ Well, y’all kin ‘magine the din those folks made, Buford wus their champeen, an’ he wus buyin’ them all a beer.

When they got to th’saloon, Buford paid fer beer fer ever’buddy, an’there wus still plenny change.

Hiram said t’ him, ‘How’d ya do it, Bu?’

‘Well, I never figgered on fightin’ him: all I had t’ do wus stay in the ring fer five minutes, an’ I kin run much more than five minutes, but when he caught me, I thunk it wus over. I couldn’ move a muscle, an I thunk my back wus gonna break, an’ there wusn’ nuthin’ I could do.’

He tooken another swaller of his beer, ever’buddy real keen t’ hear the story. ‘Then I saw this big, stinky pecker hangin’ down right in front a my mouth, an’I bit as hard as I could.’

‘An’ then whut?’ asked Hiram.

‘Man, I kin tell you, you ain’t got no idea how strong you are till you bite yore own pecker!’

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