PLEASE NOTE:

MyNews24 is a user-generated section of News24.com. The stories here come from users.

 
justaperson
 
Comments: 14
Article views: 2
 
 
Latest Badges:

 
View all justaperson's badges.
 

Reaction...

28 January 2013, 11:00
My ex-husband had an interesting name for power play. He spoke about being ‘made wrong’.

He was referring to a psychological game that people in highly dysfunctional relationships play. It works like this:

Person A does something wrong. They come to realize it, turn their behavior and attitudes around and apologise to the party they have offended.

Instead of accepting the apology and the change, person B continues to hold the fault over their head. It is constantly brought up in conversation and milked for everything it is worth. The guilt is kept alive by constant reminders and references to the incident. The blame never goes away… it becomes a permanent part of the dialogue between the two… person A is wrong forever. Even worse, person A’s whole being comes to be defined by that single fault… no other part of who they are is ever acknowledged or recognized.

Person A’s guilt feelings leave them highly manipulable while person B smugly wallows in the luke-warm pleasure of their rightness… not because they are actually right… but whatever happens… person A is MORE wrong.

I have started to recognize this game in many of the recent political discussions I’ve had. Based on the historical relationship between whites and blacks I am damned forever. Damned to be a racist, an oppressor, an imperialist and a land thief. Regardless of who I am, how I feel or how I treat the people around me, nothing I do will ever remove the stain from my soul.

I know Africans are angry. I think they have every right to be. And perhaps, because the perpetrators of apartheid pretty much got away with their crime, they are looking for a scapegoat.

But I can say this. I am now sick of the perpetual blame. I’m sick of the assumption that I am a racist merely because I am white. I’m sick of being labelled a thief and I am sick of having the fact that I benefited from apartheid rubbed in my face. These were not things that I did on purpose… they weren’t my personal choice. They were simply… the country that I grew up in.

I have often asked Africans what they expect from me now. What they want me to do in order to make things as right as possible. Frankly, I don’t think there is anything I CAN do… so I understand why there has been no clear answer to this question. What does one do about something that one can no longer reach to fix it… however, ‘making me wrong and keeping me wrong’ is also a little too convenient.

I have been accused of being a ‘wolf in sheep’s clothing’… assumed to be dishonest, uncaring, greedy and rapacious because of the colour of my skin. I have been made wrong… again and again and again and again.

The thing is… I don’t do dysfunctional relationships terribly well. Not because I’m saner than anyone else. When relationships become too dysfunctional they become hard work.

Constant blaming and shaming have dried me out. My sympathy, my empathy, my shame and my guilt have all been hammered to death. My capacity for caring about race issues has wilted under the burning venom of strangers who hate me for being white. My sense of justice is exhausted and my desire to fight for change worn out.

I'm doing what I've always done in dysfunctional relationships.
I'm walking away.

Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.

 

24.com publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
14 comments
Comments have been closed for this article.

Read more from our Users

Submitted by
boertjie
RICHES OF THE ZUMAS Nkandla , pay...

This is laughable as on many occasions Zuma made a clear statement that is does not owe any money. Is this another matter that this government is sweeping under the carpet. Read more...

0 comments 401 views
Submitted by
Philip Harris
Into the Fire

The problem is that Zumas' stench of corruption has tainted all those who surround him. Their consistent support of him through scandal after scandal has cast them (and ultimately the ANC) in the same light. Read more...

0 comments 48 views
Philadelphia Hospital under attac...

Well nothing gets better under the ANC government so we suppose we must by now, we have had 22 years of it – be used to the fact how the ANC actually messes up everything that it touches. Read more...

0 comments 83 views
Submitted by
Jaded Knight
#SONA2016 – a farcical comedy / d...

All around the country, the people of this nation were glued to their TV’s, their radios, or monitoring the State of the Nation address on their laptops or mobile devices. Read more...

0 comments 152 views
Submitted by
MadDog Morgan
Now for the Real Speech

So the SONA has come and gone. Zuma stumbled though a lot of good stuff but what did he actually say? Read more...

0 comments 152 views
Submitted by
Adv Sphamandla Blose
Politics is a Game or Reality?

South Africa has turned to a playground, where the President and the presidency have lost leadership skills.  Read more...

0 comments 151 views
 

services

E-mail Alerts The latest headlines in your inbox

RSS feeds News delivered really simply.

Mobile News24 on your mobile or PDA

E-mail Newsletters You choose what you want

News24 on Android Get the latest from News24 on your Android device.

SMS Alerts Get breaking news stories via SMS.

TV Get us in your home, on your television.

 
Interactive Advertising Bureau
 
© 2016 24.com. All rights reserved.
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.
 
English
Afrikaans
isiZulu

Hello 

Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.


Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire 24.com network.

Settings

Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.




Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.