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Tyronehster
 
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Relationship blues

15 July 2013, 07:44

It us one a them days when it wus so hot, even th’ insects wus too lazy t’ move. ‘Cept the flies: the flies would a’ways bother a body din’ matter how hot it wus. Abner an’ Buford wus makin’ their way up t’ Hiram’s cabin, cuz Bubba wus in town, but he wus visitin’ Hiram now, on account a Hiram wus Mayor. Bubba din’ even call Hiram perfessor no more, on account a he bin t’ college. No sirree, he called him Mr Mayor, real respectful like, which wus purty nice, seein’ as how he he’ped git Hiram elected. But it jest went t’ show, he wus a mighty good feller, an’ he a’ways brung sumpin’ special f’um the big city when he come t’ visit.

Well, when they come over the rise an’ Hiram’s cabin hove inta view, there wus Bubba’s pickup, all shiny red with them shiny chrome wheels, th’ big ones, thet made a pickup look taller. They wus a passel a noise comin’ outa Hiram’s cabin, but it wus a’ways like thet when Bubba wus aroun’.

Abner an’ Buford, well they jest waltzed inta Hiram’s cabin cus, even ifn he wus Mayor, he din’ change in any way: he wus still the same ol’ Hiram. Din’ even move inta the Mayor’s double wide, an she wus a beaut! Said he wanted t’ stay in touch with his cunstitchents. Thet’s the folks whut voted fer him. He wus still real down t’ earth, jest like a’ways.

‘Howdy boys!’ Bubba sang out. ‘Grab yerse’fs a beer f’um th’ cooler there!’

Well, they din’ need invitin’ twice, I kin tell you. They wus thirsty f’um the long walk in thet there heat, so they wen’ over t’ the cooler an’ got theirse’ves two can’s a beer. Real fancy stuff this, straight f’um th’ city. An’ cold! Man she shore tasted good goin’ down.

Bubba, he said, ‘I wus jest tellin’ Hiram an’ Loretta here, my grammaw’s got herse’f worms, an’ I wouldna knowed ifn I din’ walk in an’ fin’ her draggin’ her butt along the carpet. Man, I wus  as mad as a three-legged dog tryin t’ bury a turd in frozen groun’!’

Well thet there set ever’body off, cause they could see it in their min’s when they thunk ‘bout it. That Bubba shore wus one funny feller, even when he wus tellin’ a serious story, cus ever’body knowed worms ain’t no fun fer nobody, specially ol’ wimmen, cus it ain’t easy fer them t’ drag their butts across th’ groun’.

Abner, he a’ways had t’ know ever’thang, so he asked Bubba, ‘Where’s Sue-Ellen?’

Bubba, he looked all sad, an’ said, ‘She done lef’ me, cus she heard a story ‘bout me.’

‘Is it true?’ asked Abner. He shore wus nosy!

‘Yup. But it ain’t all my fault. This crazy woman wus knockin’ on my door at four in the mornin’!’

‘I cain’t see how thet’s your fault!’ said Abner.

‘I know, I know,’ said Bubba. I had t’ git out bed t’ let her out, an’ I thank thet’s whut made Sue Ellen so mad!’

‘Where wus Sue Ellen?’

‘At her maw’s place. Her grammaw died, so she went out there t’ comfort her.’

‘How ol’ wus her grammaw?’ asked Buford.

‘Nine’y four: but they managed t’ save th’ baby.’

Well they all got serious then. They wus sumpin’ t’ be grateful fer, anyways. ‘How did Sue-Ellen fin’ out?’ asked Abner.

‘Thet there woman wus her sister, an’ thet’s th’ p’oblem wi’ theseyere young’uns. Sue Ellen says it ain’t right t’ sleep with her thirteen year ol’ sister, but I tol’ her we wusn’t sleepin’!’ He shooken his haid, all sad like.’ Din’ he’p none: she upped an’ lef’, an’ I an’t seen her since.’

They all thunk ‘bout it, thankin’ it jest wusn’ right, When Loretta piped up. ‘I kin unnerstan’ why she’s so goldarn upset.’

Well, they looked at her like she growed herse’f another haid. ‘Why? He kep’ it in th’ fambly!’

‘Thet ain’t th’ p’oblem,’ she said.

‘He shoulda token her home after; she shouldna have t' wake him t’ let her out. A real gennelman woulda walked her home, an’ then gone home t’ sleep!’

Hiram, lookin’ all fine in his Mayoral chains, said, ‘Y’know, I have t’ agree with Loretta there. A young girl like thet in a big city like Memphis shouldn’t be out by herse’f so late.’

‘But their trailer park is right next t’ ourn!’ Bubba protested, but you could see they had him dead t’ rights. It wus jest plain wrong t’ sleep with somebody’s kid sister an’ make her walk home by hers’f.

When they wus busy walkin’ away f’um Hiram’s cabin, Buford said, ‘Y’know whut, Abner?’

‘No, whut?’

‘Relationships shore is complicated.’

Abner nodded, all wise like. ‘Y’now Buford, fer someone with no schoolin’ yore purty wise!’

Buford blushed, deep red, ‘Why thank you, Abner! I shore ‘ppreciate it!’

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