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Religious predictions for 2013

11 January 2013, 15:29

Things that won’t happen during 2013:

1.       God will not return to earth to come and “save his children”.

2.       There will be no Armageddon where good will defeat evil and us godless beings engulfed by flames.

3.       As with last year, and the years before, no evidence for the existence of god will be discovered.

4.       No miracle that can directly be attributed to the sole intervention of god will be independently captured (filmed) and validated.

5.       Unfortunately for amputees, no limbs will regrow as a result of prayer or any other godly intervention.

6.       There will be no public appearance by god to tell us to stop our sh*t.

7.       No ghost, demon, spirit, etc. will be “caught” or captured on film and its existence proved independently.

8.       Despite the daily threats and warnings from his followers, god will not smite me for mocking him and his herd.

Things that will happen during 2013:

9.       People who pray to god will still die of illness, hunger, car accidents, murder, natural disasters; just like their non-praying peers.

10.   People who pray to god will still fail exams, have pre-marital sex, swear, lie, hate, be jealous, lose, drink and drug; just like their non-praying peers.

11.   Despite the thousands of existing religious denominations, new ones will emerge.

12.   Church leaders will have sex with children.

13.   The devil will be blamed for points 9—12.

So predictable, isn’t it? I am happy to provide a 100% guarantee on the outcome of the above; we can do an assessment on 31.12.13.

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