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Tyronehster
 
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Riot Right

13 May 2014, 22:38

Without fail, every time I write a serious historical article, such as Cro Magnon, or a sociological treatise, such as the stories about the folks f’um th’ holler, I get WTFs and questions on where Voltaire was.

Now in the first instance, Voltaire had not even been born yet, and in this topsy turvy  universe, never would be. In the second, they would have no idea who Voltaire was, with the exception of Hiram.

So let me speak instead of serious matters, which do, and should, concern us all.

We know our President is pretty dumb, what with his Grade Five education, but what about the millions who voted for him? Amongst those millions are some highly educated, seemingly intelligent people, who believe the ANC is not the problem; Zuma is. But his face was what appeared on the ballot paper, so really, they voted for Zuma, ridiculous as it seems and, the day after elections, started rioting again.

Now this puzzles me. Fikile Mbalule, insists on 60% black representation in all national sports, so why are the rioters exclusively black? That smacks of hypocrisy to me.

Soccer is supposed to be our national sport, but let’s face it, we stink at soccer. Rioting, on the other hand…

So we should march to Parliament and demand our right to riot. It’s what South Africans excel at more than anything. The Rioting World Cup could be held here in South Africa every four years, and South Africa would win hands down. In fact we wouldn’t even be aware of the fact that there were other teams competing.

Weather would not pose any problems, as it so often does with cricket. It could be played all year round, and in fact is. Anyone who can throw a stone or light a tyre could compete. Sex and age make no difference. And once the Kimberlite Cops become involved, it becomes even more riotous!

Rubber bullets and water cannon are used with gay abandon, but there must be referees to assure that the police do not use live ammunition, because someone could get hurt! And we know games like rugby involve a lot of people getting hurt, and Test cricket involves someone intentionally trying to knock your head off, but really, for my money it has to be rioting.

There’s no need to invest in expensive uniforms or shoes. Come as you are! This sport is one where even children can participate and, even better, appear on TV and become famous. The captain of each rioting team would be the spokesman and air his/her grievances on national TV, making for another round of exciting rioting the next day.

Properly managed, rioting would put the IPL and the EPL in the shade and even the Champions League would suffer by comparison. Although it has to be said, English and Italian football hooligans are pretty adept at this sort of thing as well.

Why, in a match between Juventas and AC Milan, one of the fans dropped a Vespa on the crowd below! Now that is impressive, but it’s really a one-off. Although how he got it up there remains a mystery.

So write to your local MP and, if he can read, he might even respond!

Demand your rights. If more than 60% of the rioters are black, we must cry ‘Racist!’ and demand our rights. If we are to truly be the world champions at this sport, all of us must participate, regardless of race, age or gender.

Where else in the world can you find a country that plays this sport every day of the year for five consecutive years?

At the end of the world cup, we will get someone to play WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS, by Queen, but not the remixed Kwaito version; the real thing. Then we could get that French guy to sing our National Anthem and Thamsanqa Jantjie could translate the post-match interview for the deaf viewers.

It’s time for South Africans of all races to unite and show the world what we can do!

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