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Roses are Red

13 February 2013, 14:01

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

What does Valentine’s Day,

Mean to you?

For some Valentine’s day is a day for showing your loved one with gifts and adoration, confessing undying love and the general sort of stuff that puts people off romantic comedy. For others it’s just a money plundering scam by retailers that they literally won’t buy into. Sadly, for some it is a genuinely lonely day where you are allowed to feel like an emo-kid without a corner to cry in. And finally there are those who just want to have a party, get smashed and if love (or lust) come their way “what-ever”.

Now I’m not for or against V-day. I call it V-day as the V stands for victory or vendetta. Victory is the “sweet” call to the Ex to see if she is doing well and to find out what her plans are. If none, victory! Or if she has a hot date or big plans, vendetta. Break out the credit card, find the most luscious lady you know and off you go for a slap-up dinner, with of course, a camera, so that the pictures can be plastered all over Facebook.

The way I like to view Valentines, is that it is a chance for a bit of mischief making. When I was young and sweet I viewed V-day as the one day of the year where I was allowed to make a complete Muppet of myself and it was ok. I would give chocolates to the Ugly Duckling, publicly ask the “Prom Queen” on a date (know full well she would ask if I had taken my pills) only to look crushed and dejected when she said no. But these days I have found a new game, office cupid. Last year it worked so well that this year there is a baby on the way! What I do is this, hang around the coffee pots picking up the gossip. I work in a call centre so there is always plenty flying around. This is where I pick my target. A crush, an Ex that wants to get back together or anyone whom I can use for my silly little scheme. Next is to make sure that this object of affection or attraction is available, because I don’t want my target getting punched in the snout by a boyfriend or losing eyes in a cat fight. Once the details have been confirmed its time to start meddling. Get the gifts, flowers, chocolates or something appropriate, remember the plan is to help not hinder, so a set of fluffy hand-cuffs probably won’t go down well. Next is to send the gifts, this is the fun part! You need to weave a mystery, one that can’t be traced to you, but will put the two poor suckers which you have aimed cupids arrow at squarely in the firing line. Something like, for a girl that works in motor claims department “In loves bumper-bashings, come Claim my heart”. The other poor shmoe should receive something similar. Then just sit back and watch nature take its course. If it works well great, if not, then because there is an untraceable mystery person, no-one gets hurt and they at least have a funny story to share with each other. Note: Buying online is a great way to avoid being sniffed out!

In the lead up to this V-day I have been doing a bit of pondering on Life, Love and Retail. For the consumer it is badly positioned in the year. Right off the back of the festive season with only one pay-cheque in hand. How cruel! Time to whip out the old home-economics books and find a cheap solution. Or just bite into a bit of Credit-Crunch and accept that it’s all in the name of love. I then think to myself, that February is the end of the financial year and retailers are just having one last dig at stuffing their pockets full of your pennies before the books close off. Again, how cruel!

Lately Anti V-day parties are doing well, which is really a bit of an oxymoron. Think about it, a bunch of singles go to a party to drink away their V-day woes, decked to the hilt in all their finery with a “what-ever” attitude. I ask myself “Gee, what’s the worst that could happen?” Well I think we all see that there may be some “dawn runs” and some “WTF was I thinking” moments on the way. But that’s neither here nor there. It just strikes me that V-day is the day of the year when one goes looking for love, so how are these parties not just V-day in disguise? I chuckle.

For the sad ones, well, all I can say is that no-one is going to love you if you don’t love yourself. So go out, get yourself a gift, and remember that, like a leopard, we are not all pack animals, and there is no shame in that.

My final thoughts are those of common sense and reason. Whatever you do, do it safely. Don’t drink and drive because you don’t want to meet the folks of your newly beloved at a funeral. Girls, you know the rules so just stick to them. And for those who make it past the first two obstacles unscathed remember to be “wise”. You certainly don’t want to be suffering on next year’s V-day with an unexpected little “gift” that you picked up this year! And finally, V-day is about love, so share it as much as possible, it’s a gift that you can give that never runs out.

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