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SA’s New Money – The Real Truth!!!

21 September 2012, 10:50

By now, we’ve all heard about the imminent launch of South Africa’s new minted and printed money.  But we have inside information into what we can really expect.

The South African Reserve Bank has been hard at work evaluating numerous designs, signing off on the final artworks and dismissing other questionable submissions. 

So herewith the inside-scoop on what is to be and what might have been our new money:

5c - This ghastly piece is no more! (Okay we’re not really sure about this oversized waste of copper, but please, get rid of this worthless doorstop!)

10c – We hope that the SARB does away with this nuisance piece as well, but we’ve heard rumours that the face on these babies will keep changing as we recycle Bok coaches.  So expect a new mint every two to four years.

20c - Julius Malema, cause he talks no sense and adds about as much value to meaningful debate and progress in South Africa.  (On a side note, as Malema continues his bumbling rise through SA’s political cesspit, he’ll feature more prominently on coins and notes of higher value.  Might as well anyway if he’s to be our future president).

50c - MyNews24’s own ZION, cause he speaks more sense than Julius.  Sometimes.

R 1 - Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe comes in on the R 1 coin where each rand equals just over 1 trillion Zim dollars, reminding ol’ Bob what real money looks like.

R 2 - Surprisingly, this coin will display the smiling face of Ronald McDonald on the one side, and a car guard running for his tip, on the other. These R 2 gems really do come in handy when either upsizing your Happy Meal or paying for parking security services rendered.

R 5 - P. Divvy because he was the first Springbok coach to win in Dunedin and is historically proving to be a better coach than Heineken Meyer.  Besides, Ronald MacDonald needs a mate in the mint.

R 10 - Mr Nelson Mandela appears for the first time on this new note.  Initially it was a tossup between Madiba or a loaf of bread & can of baked beans - the real value of R 10.

R 20 - Again, it’s Madiba, but could easily have been 1 litre of petrol, soon to be the purchase price.

R 50 - More Madiba, although there were discussions about depicting some bloke called Peter Chivamba from Harare, with fifty-ront being the daily labour rate for the odd piece-job.

R 100 - Madiba yet again, although Winnie Mandela was considered because we need a feminine touch on the notes to keep the AA credentials in check.  The idea was canned though when the design artist had her holding a box of matches.

R 200 - And yes, more Madiba, although we understand that a certain individual wished to have his bust emblazoned on this note as he felt it was his right as the senior figure.  He submitted his own artwork which had him standing in the shower with fourteen wives who were all holding spears.  But that’s as much as we’re allowed to say about that.

R 500 - This is arguably SARB’s worst kept secret. The new R 500 note will brandish the head of Chinese President Hu Jintao. The tiny inscription under his mug will read, ‘China is life-long friend to South Africa’.  Which loosely interpreted means - ‘Your ass is mine’.

So there you have it folks, the inside scoop on what we can expect from the South African Reserve Bank when our new money hits the banks and tills.

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