I have an obsessive compulsive disorder, and nooo not the ordinary kind. I have a relationships obsessive compulsive disorder. It has made my life a living hell since the age of 15.
Growing up I was slightly abnormal, I was passive aggressive and detached from anything or anyone. I was cheeky and as a result I got into many verbal and psychical fights. People didn’t really like me, well except my parents, I was their favourite child. The golden one, I was all into academics, I was responsible, mature and a very decent little girl. Because I did not really have many friends, I felt very insecure and that tarnished my self-esteem.
When I approached my teenage years, I cracked out of my shell. I was still slightly reserved and somewhat of a bookwork. I didn’t pay attention to any boys. I didn’t realize how smart I was until I found myself in the academic top 10. I was one of the 3 black pupils in a predominantly white school that were in the top 10.
Somehow my academic achievements validated me, they gave me something to hold on to and as a result I build up my confidence. I am a fairly attractive young woman, so I couldn’t look nerdy even if I tried. Boys at school would approach me but I was not really interested.
In the middle of my high school career I had a new English teacher. I was around the age of 14/15 and she was a 20 something year old female. I wasn’t sexually attracted to her but I was somehow drawn to her. I desperately wanted to be her friend, but she somehow couldn’t stand me because I was an arrogant academic snob.
She was a bit of a bimbo, so when I initially met her I thought she would ruin my academic progress as she was a bad teacher and I wouldn’t be able to stay in the top 10 if my English marks dropped. After a few months of knowing her I started having obsessive thoughts about her.
I used to ask to go to the bathroom in every class just so that I can walk past her class. I used to get so nervous every time I was in her class that I started getting panic attacks in class. It became so bad that I had to start seeing a therapist. I then started having obsessive thoughts about my therapist, I became emotionally dependent on her, but I never told her. After a few sessions I was forced to stop therapy because it was too expensive.
A few months later the teacher left the school and I was shattered. I started stalk calling her, that is call and pretend it’s a wrong number just so that I could hear her voice. As the months progressed I became better, and met a boy who had a girlfriend at the time. I became so obsessed with him and I used to text him all the time.
I had repetitive thoughts about him and it drove me crazy. I lost interest in my academics. I managed to remain in the academic top ten, but my performance deteriorated significantly. I dated the boy on the side, until he eventually split from his girlfriend. He treated me really badly, but I couldn’t stay away from him. I was obsessed with him until I moved to Cape Town for university.
During my 5 years at university I would constantly obsess over boys so much that I would scare them off. I became so desperate for love that it consumed my every thought. I was never happy, I was constantly depressed and all my friends complained that I had a dependency personality disorder.
As attractive as I am, I couldn’t get any boy to date me because of my obsessive tendencies. I won’t particularly call myself a psycho chick, nor have I ever been referred to as such, but I often feel like I am losing my mind with obsessive thoughts of the person I am in love with or of the need to find love.
To be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever been in love. All the guys I’ve ever hooked up with I had nothing in common with, we had nothing to talk about and I couldn’t even pinpoint one thing I loved about them, yet they would constantly be on my mind and I would want to spend every minute of every day with them.
It’s crazy how many years later I still have never had a proper boyfriend. My self-esteem is close to 0. I am currently taking medicine for my obsessive compulsive disorder. I haven’t yet noticed a difference; but I hope that eventually I will start seeing results.
It scares me that I will probably never have a normal relationship with anyone. I don’t want to die alone, but I can never be happy with anyone, as the obsessive thoughts really frustrate me and generally make me unhappy. Being alone also makes me depressed, so I am stuck.