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SOS : I have an obsessive compulsive disorder

25 May 2014, 16:50

I have an obsessive compulsive disorder, and nooo not the ordinary kind. I have a relationships obsessive compulsive disorder. It has made my life a living hell since the age of 15.

Growing up I was slightly abnormal, I was passive aggressive and detached from anything or anyone. I was cheeky and as a result I got into many verbal and psychical fights. People didn’t really like me, well except my parents, I was their favourite child. The golden one, I was all into academics, I was responsible, mature and a very decent little girl. Because I did not really have many friends, I felt very insecure and that tarnished my self-esteem.

When I approached my teenage years, I cracked out of my shell. I was still slightly reserved and somewhat of a bookwork. I didn’t pay attention to any boys.  I didn’t realize how smart I was until I found myself in the academic top 10. I was one of the 3 black pupils in a predominantly white school that were in the top 10.

Somehow my academic achievements validated me, they gave me something to hold on to and as a result I build up my confidence. I am a fairly attractive young woman, so I couldn’t look nerdy even if I tried. Boys at school would approach me but I was not really interested.

In the middle of my high school career I had a new English teacher. I was around the age of 14/15 and she was a 20 something year old female. I wasn’t sexually attracted to her but I was somehow drawn to her. I desperately wanted to be her friend, but she somehow couldn’t stand me because I was an arrogant academic snob.

She was a bit of a bimbo, so when I initially met her I thought she would ruin my academic progress as she was a bad teacher and I wouldn’t be able to stay in the top 10 if my English marks dropped.  After a few months of knowing her I started having obsessive thoughts about her.

I used to ask to go to the bathroom in every class just so that I can walk past her class. I used to get so nervous every time I was in her class that I started getting panic attacks in class. It became so bad that I had to start seeing a therapist. I then started having obsessive thoughts about my therapist, I became emotionally dependent on her, but I never told her. After a few sessions I was forced to stop therapy because it was too expensive.

A few months later the teacher left the school and I was shattered. I started stalk calling her, that is call and pretend it’s a wrong number just so that I could hear her voice. As the months progressed I became better, and met a boy who had a girlfriend at the time. I became so obsessed with him and I used to text him all the time.

I had repetitive thoughts about him and it drove me crazy. I lost interest in my academics.  I managed to remain in the academic top ten, but my performance deteriorated significantly. I dated the boy on the side, until he eventually split from his girlfriend. He treated me really badly, but I couldn’t stay away from him. I was obsessed with him until I moved to Cape Town for university.

During my 5 years at university I would constantly obsess over boys so much that I would scare them off. I became so desperate for love that it consumed my every thought. I was never happy, I was constantly depressed and all my friends complained that I had a dependency personality disorder.

As attractive as I am, I couldn’t get any boy to date me because of my obsessive tendencies. I won’t particularly call myself a psycho chick, nor have I ever been referred to as such, but I often feel like I am losing my mind with obsessive thoughts of the person I am in love with or of the need to find love.

To be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever been in love. All the guys I’ve ever hooked up with I had nothing in common with, we had nothing to talk about and I couldn’t even pinpoint one thing I loved about them, yet they would constantly be on my mind and I would want to spend every minute of every day with them.

It’s crazy how many years later I still have never had a proper boyfriend. My self-esteem is close to 0. I am currently taking medicine for my obsessive compulsive disorder.  I haven’t yet noticed a difference; but I hope that eventually I will start seeing results.

It scares me that I will probably never have a normal relationship with anyone. I don’t want to die alone, but I can never be happy with anyone, as the obsessive thoughts really frustrate me and generally make me unhappy. Being alone also makes me depressed, so I am stuck.

Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received. publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

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