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Save the country

17 February 2014, 07:03

Have you ever noticed that the physical size of the animals that we are supposed to “save,” is getting smaller and smaller by the year?

It started off BIG, with: “Save the Whale.” But since then, we have been scaling down in the size, virtually every year. (By the way, a whale is not a fish, it is a whale – which means that it is a big fish. And, contrary to popular belief, whales do NOT swallow Bibles – no matter what that seasick old sailor, Jonah, tells you.)

Remember the bumper stickers: “Save the Whale, Harpoon a fat Chick?” And all the Whale Songs? A whale “song” sounds very much like someone farting inside an empty Klipdrif bottle.

And what about that randy old whale, Moby Dick? I loved the opening line to the story: “Call me Ishmael. I’m not pished! I alwaysh talk like thish. Hic!” And: “Better to sleep with a sober cannibal than a drunken Christian.” (By the way, old Moby was white. The corrupt ANC’s racist BEE policy did not exist in 1851, when the story was written.)

Next, we had to save the elephant – or rather, the elephant’s tusks. Elephant tusks seemed to offend the Bunny Huggers. Heaps of tusks were burned at the stake. Like witches. But the elephants were no longer attached to the tusks. Which I found rather strange…

Then we had to save the slightly smaller rhinoceroses and rhinoceri. We are force-fed the EXACT number of rhinos that are killed on a daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly basis. Sometimes the rhino killers are even caught! But if you should try to establish just how many farmers are getting killed on their farms, you will find that it is impossible to do so. No one is keeping score. And their killers are seldom, if ever, caught.

Next: Free Willy! Save the dolphin! The dolphin is depicted as a cute, cuddly, soft toy – with tiny little teeth to gently nibble on your earlobes. Do you really believe that the clicks and chirps and squeaks from these creatures are a form of communication? You do? Eish!

And those blowholes? Bloody gross! Blowing snot out of the tops of their heads! So long, and thanks for all the fish. Indeed!

There must have been hundreds of Free Willy movies: Free Willy 2, Free Willy 3, Free Willy 46664, Free Willy Unchained, The Long Walk to Willy, Willy’s Grandson Charged with Assault, Free Willy’s willy, Free T-shirts and KFC, A Better Willy for All, etc, etc.

The “Save me!” animals are still getting smaller and smaller!

How about this one: Save the Duttaphrynus microtympanum! This is a type of frog found in the Ghats of India. Or as they say in Nayderlunch: “Een kikker gevonden in de gatkant van India.” Why can’t the Guptas save their own frogs?

Here is my prediction: Soon we’ll have the Bunny Huggers and Green Peas telling us to save the common house fly, the mosquito, the head louse, and the head louse’s head lice.

I never know what to do when people come back from visiting the Kruger National Park or a game farm, and say: “We saw an elephant!” Or a pangolin, or a mandolin, or a gnu, or a gnome.

Should I say: “Hell, you’re brave!” Or lucky, or clever, or sagacious, or perspicacious, or wise?

Or should I say: “It’s a good thing we saved the elephant.”

I just don’t know.

Now here’s something for you to ponder, Sakkie. This is the preamble to the Constipation of South Africa:

“We, the pee pull of South Africa, recognise the injustices of our past, we are sorry about the demise of the Tyrannosaurus Rex, and the Dodo, and the Mojo, and the Quagga, and the Khoi-San and their Dagga. But most of all, we are sorry for the sorry state of our sorry nation. So help me Bob. *!ke e /xarra //ke.”

Could someone please, pretty please, “save” this godforsaken country of ours? Maybe our offspring will live to see the whale, or the elephant, or the rhino, or …

*!ke e /xarra //ke – from the ancient Khoi-Sanskrit language, meaning: exclamation mark kilo echo space echo space forward slash x-ray alpha romeo romeo alpha space forward slash forward slash kilo echo…

PS    Written, as always, with the tongue firmly in check

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