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Save the country – Dial a Nerd

03 September 2012, 20:01

This morning an evil, malevolent spirit took possession of my motherless computer’s board. My first instinct was to call our local exorcist. Unfortunately, our old padre has been replaced by a sangoma – in order to comply with the government’s BEE policy.

My wife, a big, healthy woman; who regularly beats me to pulp, would never allow a sangoma into our house. Not that we ever had reason to have the old priest around, you understand. (OK, I’ll come clean. Except, for that one time, when he came around to read me my *last rites, and left. This was after the wife connected me with a left upper-cut, which she followed up with a right hook.)

But, even to my feeble mind, having a man of the cloth swinging a container with burning incense, sprinkling holy water, and mumbling Hail Merry Christmas, seems preferable to having a sangoma slaughter a goat in my study.

So, in a panic, I phone Tommie. I’ve always suspected that Tommie’s mother was named Google, and his father was called Yahoo. Tommie knows stuff. A lot of stuff.

“Tommie, my computer is full of nasty viruses (or is that virusci as in hippopotami?), and malicious malice! What must I do?” I ask.

“Call the sangoma,” he replies.

“What about the blood in the study?”

“Has she beaten you to a pulp again?” he sighs.

“No, man, I’m talking about the sangoma slaughtering the bloody goat in the study.”

“Then you only have two options,” he says. “Consult the Oracle of Delphi, or Dial a Nerd.”

“But, Tommie,” I ask, “Isn’t a Nerd a derogatory stereotype of a person typically described as overly intellectual, obsessive, or socially-impaired – who spend inordinate amounts of time on unpopular, obscure, or highly technical pursuits, or those relating to topics of fiction or fantasy, to the exclusion of more mainstream activities? Do other nerdy qualities not also include physical awkwardness, introversion, quirkiness, and unattractiveness? Is a nerd not often excluded from physical activity and considered to be a social outsider? In the stereotypical high-school situation, are they not considered to be loners by others, or associate with a small group of like-minded people? In a right angled triangle, isn’t the square of the hypotenuse equal to the sum of the squares of the two other sides? Please tell me!”

“Yes. Phone them,” he says, and cuts the call.

I phone the Nerds. In Constantia Park, Pretoria. I speak to a Nerd called Stephan, who passes the buck to JayJay. (Some say that JayJay is actually the same guy who taught the Oracle how to grow **Delphiniums – before she got addicted to noxious exhaust fumes.)

Now! Let me tell you, the last time I was amazed was when I heard the story about that g(reed)y basket Jewish chap, who, while fleeing from the Chariots of Fire, departed the Dead Sea and founded Jerusalem; the Promised RDP homeland!

JayJay is awesome!

While I was speaking to him on the phone, JayJay grabbed hold of my computer by its remotely ***euphemistic dingus, and klapped the motherless board – and all her ingratiating little offspring circuitous printed diagrams – faster than you can say Umshini Wami! My cursor was running around on the screen like a Lonmin miner who had lost his headless chickens.

Within mere minutes my computer was exercised and the evil spirit departed with hardly a whimper at all.

Thank you JayJay, and Stephan, from Dial a Nerd! Live long and prosper!

Now, if only we could Dial a Nerd to rid this country of corruption, crime, grime, and incompetence - this place would be Heaven on Earth.

*last rites – famous Latin hit song, sung by priests: “I can play dominoes better than you-hoohoo, You can play dominoes too-hoo.”

**Delphiniums – perennial flowering plants in the family Ranunculaceae

***euphemistic dingus – spear

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