PLEASE NOTE:

MyNews24 is a user-generated section of News24.com. The stories here come from users.

 
Irukandji
 
Comments: 7
Article views: 3
 
 
Latest Badges:



 
View all Irukandji's badges.
 

Save the country – Dial a Nerd

03 September 2012, 20:01

This morning an evil, malevolent spirit took possession of my motherless computer’s board. My first instinct was to call our local exorcist. Unfortunately, our old padre has been replaced by a sangoma – in order to comply with the government’s BEE policy.

My wife, a big, healthy woman; who regularly beats me to pulp, would never allow a sangoma into our house. Not that we ever had reason to have the old priest around, you understand. (OK, I’ll come clean. Except, for that one time, when he came around to read me my *last rites, and left. This was after the wife connected me with a left upper-cut, which she followed up with a right hook.)

But, even to my feeble mind, having a man of the cloth swinging a container with burning incense, sprinkling holy water, and mumbling Hail Merry Christmas, seems preferable to having a sangoma slaughter a goat in my study.

So, in a panic, I phone Tommie. I’ve always suspected that Tommie’s mother was named Google, and his father was called Yahoo. Tommie knows stuff. A lot of stuff.

“Tommie, my computer is full of nasty viruses (or is that virusci as in hippopotami?), and malicious malice! What must I do?” I ask.

“Call the sangoma,” he replies.

“What about the blood in the study?”

“Has she beaten you to a pulp again?” he sighs.

“No, man, I’m talking about the sangoma slaughtering the bloody goat in the study.”

“Then you only have two options,” he says. “Consult the Oracle of Delphi, or Dial a Nerd.”

“But, Tommie,” I ask, “Isn’t a Nerd a derogatory stereotype of a person typically described as overly intellectual, obsessive, or socially-impaired – who spend inordinate amounts of time on unpopular, obscure, or highly technical pursuits, or those relating to topics of fiction or fantasy, to the exclusion of more mainstream activities? Do other nerdy qualities not also include physical awkwardness, introversion, quirkiness, and unattractiveness? Is a nerd not often excluded from physical activity and considered to be a social outsider? In the stereotypical high-school situation, are they not considered to be loners by others, or associate with a small group of like-minded people? In a right angled triangle, isn’t the square of the hypotenuse equal to the sum of the squares of the two other sides? Please tell me!”

“Yes. Phone them,” he says, and cuts the call.

I phone the Nerds. In Constantia Park, Pretoria. I speak to a Nerd called Stephan, who passes the buck to JayJay. (Some say that JayJay is actually the same guy who taught the Oracle how to grow **Delphiniums – before she got addicted to noxious exhaust fumes.)

Now! Let me tell you, the last time I was amazed was when I heard the story about that g(reed)y basket Jewish chap, who, while fleeing from the Chariots of Fire, departed the Dead Sea and founded Jerusalem; the Promised RDP homeland!

JayJay is awesome!

While I was speaking to him on the phone, JayJay grabbed hold of my computer by its remotely ***euphemistic dingus, and klapped the motherless board – and all her ingratiating little offspring circuitous printed diagrams – faster than you can say Umshini Wami! My cursor was running around on the screen like a Lonmin miner who had lost his headless chickens.

Within mere minutes my computer was exercised and the evil spirit departed with hardly a whimper at all.

Thank you JayJay, and Stephan, from Dial a Nerd! Live long and prosper!

Now, if only we could Dial a Nerd to rid this country of corruption, crime, grime, and incompetence - this place would be Heaven on Earth.

*last rites – famous Latin hit song, sung by priests: “I can play dominoes better than you-hoohoo, You can play dominoes too-hoo.”

**Delphiniums – perennial flowering plants in the family Ranunculaceae

***euphemistic dingus – spear

Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.

 

24.com publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
7 comments
Comments have been closed for this article.

Read more from our Users

Submitted by
Sandile Ntuli
I salute Ontlametse Phalatse

Ontlametse truly is of the class of the late and great such as Johnson and Stepanek, therefore, Nkosi Johnson: I salute you. Read more...

0 comments 96 views
Submitted by
Gideon Maleka
Xenophobia is a taboo in our coun...

African leaders must embrace the African renaissance concept which was aimed at uniting us and making us regain our dignity as human beings Read more...

0 comments 75 views
Submitted by
Thandisizwe Mgudlwa
South Africa wrongly termed 'junk...

On the back of South Africa's down-grade by rating agencies, speculation is rife as to what does this mean for the consumer and the economy. Read more...

0 comments 231 views
Submitted by
TiisetsoMakhele
High Court ruling on nuclear agre...

Just because Russia is mentioned as one of the countries where cooperative agreements have been reached and just because we have a black government, there is lots of propaganda on the distorted costs and environmental effects of nuclear. Read more...

0 comments 1338 views
Submitted by
Armand Erasmus
A weekend in Bloem

The purpose of this post is not to attack or offend their beliefs. It is a call to realise that actions speak so much louder than prayers, and the sooner this realisation is accepted, the better. Read more...

0 comments 221 views
Submitted by
Armand Erasmus
Angus in the workplace

I fully respect my Christian colleagues point of view, but why bring it up around the non- or different of religious people in the office? Read more...

0 comments 250 views
 

services

E-mail Alerts The latest headlines in your inbox

RSS feeds News delivered really simply.

Mobile News24 on your mobile or PDA

E-mail Newsletters You choose what you want

News24 on Android Get the latest from News24 on your Android device.

SMS Alerts Get breaking news stories via SMS.

TV Get us in your home, on your television.

 
Interactive Advertising Bureau
 
© 2017 24.com. All rights reserved.
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.
 
English
Afrikaans
isiZulu

Hello 

Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.


Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire 24.com network.

Settings

Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.




Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.