PLEASE NOTE:

MyNews24 is a user-generated section of News24.com. The stories here come from users.

 
Irukandji
 
Comments: 7
Article views: 975
 
 
Latest Badges:



 
View all Irukandji's badges.
 

Save the country – Dial a Nerd

03 September 2012, 20:01

This morning an evil, malevolent spirit took possession of my motherless computer’s board. My first instinct was to call our local exorcist. Unfortunately, our old padre has been replaced by a sangoma – in order to comply with the government’s BEE policy.

My wife, a big, healthy woman; who regularly beats me to pulp, would never allow a sangoma into our house. Not that we ever had reason to have the old priest around, you understand. (OK, I’ll come clean. Except, for that one time, when he came around to read me my *last rites, and left. This was after the wife connected me with a left upper-cut, which she followed up with a right hook.)

But, even to my feeble mind, having a man of the cloth swinging a container with burning incense, sprinkling holy water, and mumbling Hail Merry Christmas, seems preferable to having a sangoma slaughter a goat in my study.

So, in a panic, I phone Tommie. I’ve always suspected that Tommie’s mother was named Google, and his father was called Yahoo. Tommie knows stuff. A lot of stuff.

“Tommie, my computer is full of nasty viruses (or is that virusci as in hippopotami?), and malicious malice! What must I do?” I ask.

“Call the sangoma,” he replies.

“What about the blood in the study?”

“Has she beaten you to a pulp again?” he sighs.

“No, man, I’m talking about the sangoma slaughtering the bloody goat in the study.”

“Then you only have two options,” he says. “Consult the Oracle of Delphi, or Dial a Nerd.”

“But, Tommie,” I ask, “Isn’t a Nerd a derogatory stereotype of a person typically described as overly intellectual, obsessive, or socially-impaired – who spend inordinate amounts of time on unpopular, obscure, or highly technical pursuits, or those relating to topics of fiction or fantasy, to the exclusion of more mainstream activities? Do other nerdy qualities not also include physical awkwardness, introversion, quirkiness, and unattractiveness? Is a nerd not often excluded from physical activity and considered to be a social outsider? In the stereotypical high-school situation, are they not considered to be loners by others, or associate with a small group of like-minded people? In a right angled triangle, isn’t the square of the hypotenuse equal to the sum of the squares of the two other sides? Please tell me!”

“Yes. Phone them,” he says, and cuts the call.

I phone the Nerds. In Constantia Park, Pretoria. I speak to a Nerd called Stephan, who passes the buck to JayJay. (Some say that JayJay is actually the same guy who taught the Oracle how to grow **Delphiniums – before she got addicted to noxious exhaust fumes.)

Now! Let me tell you, the last time I was amazed was when I heard the story about that g(reed)y basket Jewish chap, who, while fleeing from the Chariots of Fire, departed the Dead Sea and founded Jerusalem; the Promised RDP homeland!

JayJay is awesome!

While I was speaking to him on the phone, JayJay grabbed hold of my computer by its remotely ***euphemistic dingus, and klapped the motherless board – and all her ingratiating little offspring circuitous printed diagrams – faster than you can say Umshini Wami! My cursor was running around on the screen like a Lonmin miner who had lost his headless chickens.

Within mere minutes my computer was exercised and the evil spirit departed with hardly a whimper at all.

Thank you JayJay, and Stephan, from Dial a Nerd! Live long and prosper!

Now, if only we could Dial a Nerd to rid this country of corruption, crime, grime, and incompetence - this place would be Heaven on Earth.

*last rites – famous Latin hit song, sung by priests: “I can play dominoes better than you-hoohoo, You can play dominoes too-hoo.”

**Delphiniums – perennial flowering plants in the family Ranunculaceae

***euphemistic dingus – spear

Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.
 

Read News24’s Comments Policy

24.com publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
7 comments
Add your comment
Comment 0 characters remaining

Read more from our Users

Submitted by
bleu2013
The consciousness of free will

The group or herd mentality is then established to corral individuals into enclosures and prisons of their own making. Read more...

52 comments 470 views
Submitted by
JoeSoap
Tattoos are for idiots

The first thought that came to me was to ask the gent how long he had to spend in prison to get so many tattoos. Read more...

11 comments 384 views
Submitted by
Eric Rimmer
Oscar Pistorius - Guilty of What?

One cannot have two defences. The onus here is on the defence to prove either case beyond “reasonable doubt”. Read more...

8 comments 389 views
Submitted by
Kalibanache
South African Genie and the Magic...

The ANC thought that they had the magic lamp when Mandela was leading. And I think they were right... But where is his lamp? Read more...

5 comments 384 views
Submitted by
Kalibanache
A spot of Blemish and Dirty Bum.....

Maybe the 2 week break will help some people with the reality of matters. " I called out, Reeva, Reeva !" sob sob... Ja buddy, That's not what Gerry says..  Read more...

9 comments 507 views
Submitted by
Kruger
For whom the bell tolls

While speculation is rife of the ANC's impending fall and Jacob Zuma's time that is running out, the party - and it faithful - are gathering in a laager. Read more...

6 comments 1135 views

Jobs in Cape Town [change area]

Property [change area]

Travel - Look, Book, Go!

Escape winter, head to Mauritius

Escape winter by spending 7 nights in Mauritius' tropical bliss from R13 215 per person sharing. Includes return flights, airport transfers and accommodation. Book now!

Kalahari.com - shop online today

Get many eggs in one basket!

Gaming bundles: 2 Super Hits games for R99, 3 Disney games for R99 and more + exclusive accessory bundles only available on kalahari.com. While stocks last. Shop now!

25% off bestselling books!

The Real Meal Revolution by Tim Noakes, Jeffrey Archer’s Be Careful What You Wish for, Man’s Search for Meaning by Victor E. Frank and many more titles. Shop now!

Up to 25% off electronics

Buy top electronics and save up to 25%. Such as kalahari.com’s 1# selling product the gobii eReader, Patriot X Porter flash drive, Asus Nexus 7” 3G tablet, Samsung Galaxy SIII, Lenovo G580 Notebook and many more. Shop now!

DStv HD PVR Decoder now R949

The DStv HD PVR Decoder has further revolutionised the television experience with lifelike viewing, sharper images, more vibrant colours and precision picture quality. Now R949, save R550. Offer valid while stocks last. Shop now!

Up to 30% off appliances & homeware

Save up to 30% on appliances and homeware this Easter! Offer valid while stocks last. Shop now.

OLX Free Classifieds [change area]

Samsung Galaxy s4

Mobile, Cell Phones in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 24

Best bargain in big bay

Real Estate, Houses - Apartments for Sale in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 25

VW Golf 6, 1.6 Trendline (Excellent condition)

Vehicles, Cars in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 25

 

services

E-mail Alerts The latest headlines in your inbox

RSS feeds News delivered really simply.

Mobile News24 on your mobile or PDA

E-mail Newsletters You choose what you want

News24 on your iPhone Get News24 headlines on your iPhone.

SMS Alerts Get breaking news stories via SMS.

Blogs Your opinion on you, me and everyone.

Calais Website keywords automated by OpenCalais.

 
Digital Media & Marketing Association
 
© 2014 24.com. All rights reserved.
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.
 
English
Afrikaans
isiZulu

Hello 

Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.


Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire 24.com network.

Settings

Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.








Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.