Moving on from farts to matters scientific (you mean they’re not scientific?!), I have decided to explain the inexplicable to the wannabe scientists who populate (some would say copulate, but not I) this forum. There are many scientific matters which have baffled finer minds than mine for many centuries.
(Where are these finer minds; show them to me!) This is not a sign that I’m schizophrenic (it’s not?) but my thoughts sometimes wander and I tend to answer myself. If it annoys you, just ignore it. (Ignore it?! Are you crazy!?)
Nevertheless, let’s move onto Quantum Physics, where a Toyota Quantum, driven by a Soweto taxi driver, can be in two places simultaneously. It is also been proven, via these self-same taxi drivers, that time does, in fact, distort when the speed of light is reached. These taxi driver switch on their head lights and light goes behind them! This is Quantum Physics, or as the hip-hop guys would have it Kwantum Fisics. It just sounds cooler.
Schrodinger’s Cat has been run over by a Toyota Quantum and that point is now moot, as we now know the cat to be dead.
String Theory postulates that all matter vibrates, almost as a string would when at high tension and, if ever you’d been in one of those Toyota Quantums at high speed you would see this to be a self-evident truth, as those taxis vibrate incessantly and at exceedingly high rates. And as aware as I am of the fact that Quantum Physics deals with the very small, The Toyota Quantum, when measured against the vast scale of the universe is snall indeed.
(Oh, give me a break! I’ve been listening to you waffle on about Quantum Physics as if you know what you’re talking about, but I just can’t anymore. What a load of cobblers!)
If you’re quite finished?
(No, I’m not, and I’m not going to stand idly by [did you hear how beautifully I phrased that?] and besmirch the great work done by people like Max Planck, Richard Feinman, David Deutsch and Peter Higgs, you’re going to have to think again!)
Okay, the voices are no longer just inside my head now. David Deutsch said many things, and lots of them were very clever. He did not mention the Toyota Quantum; that was purely my invention. Happy now?
(Not happy, but no longer frustrated enough to scream)
The Toyota Quantums do go very fast…
(Yes, but they’re not very small, are they?)
Compared to the vastness of the universe, where earth cannot be seen from Pluto, the dog star, the Toyota Quantum is very small.
(Pluto is not the dog star. Pluto is an astronomical body which used to be a planet but no longer is. The dog star is not very playful: He’s Sirius)
Oh, and you take digs at me! I’m trying to teach these people science and you come with lame jokes? Oh boy!
(I haven’t heard any gems from you!)
That’s because I’m not making jokes: I’m trying to teach the people about Quantum Physics.
(Okay, Stephen Hawking; go ahead)
Stephen Hawking? That was uncalled for! Why didn’t you just call me Einstein and be done with it?
Well, it seems as if that pesky little bugger’s finally gone, so now my lecture can continue. Where was I? Oh yes! Toyota Quantums.
What the Toyota Quantum has done is to once and for all lay to rest the conundrum of Schrodinger’s Cat. He is dead. Very dead. Killed by a taxi.
If you have any questions, don’t be afraid to ask; I’m a mine of information.
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