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The Last Contrarian
 
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Screw Nature

27 March 2013, 17:02

The term tree-hugger neatly ropes together the conglomerate of nature-loving, plant-eating, save-the-whales ignoramuses that troll every other moderate person who practices a varied diet and interacts with technology on a semi-frequent basis.

I don’t think I am the only one who is getting just a little bit suspicious of the influx of ‘research’ data that shows how non-vegetarian foods are supposedly oozing with carcinogenic compounds ready to send you to the grave by way of proliferating tumours within your person. When will we ever hear that you can live five years longer eating more meat?

I smell a cane rat here… a big fat one, the likes of what we always see perched on a couch next to Operah Winfrey while they finger-pointingly insist that ‘we are what we eat,’ and, therefore, should take their advice exclusively! Maybe it is not so much that we are what we eat, as it is that we eat in accordance to what we are. Have you ever thought about that my dear ‘nutritional experts?’ That may explain the fascination some people have with fruits, nuts, and vegetables! Regardless of which it is, you won’t see me go near a kool-kop, let alone eat it! I'm scared some of those properties will rub off on me.

Fingerprints of a conspiracy

There seems to be a conspiracy brewing here as the tree-hugger and vegan movements have already tripped several conspiratorial traps:

1. The proof is always unreachably obscure – Climate change data is especially hard to extract from sources and requires a tremendous amount of (mis)interpretation. Hmmm… where have we heard this one before?

2. The end is near, but not too near – The end is always close enough to fuck up your plans but far away enough to sell millions of books, DVDs, and supplements in the meantime!

3. The perpetual state of emotional emergency – This follows directly from ‘the end’ scenario, but lately the emotional emergency is your health and the environment!

4. Survival guides / kits – Books, diets, or supplements, they have it all to balance out your PH, boost your energy levels, help you sleep like a rock (get it? Cause rocks are natural!), and fuck like a stallion! With these people’s advice and products, you’ll be farting pure ozone in no time!

5. Ancieintism, the belief that human civilization was smarter and wiser the further back we go in time – If you seriously thing the vegan lifestyle is a projection into the future, then you must be one of ‘them.’ Veganism is so outdated it makes Neanderthals look like advanced aliens!

The hallmarks of a scam in progress

We've all seen this nonsense on T.V. How many more people can be caught with a variation on the following:

With auntie Fannny’s VitaWatr [always some messed-up spelling is involved], you can say goodbye to constipation, poor blood circulation, and offensive body odour, which results from the toxins in the food we normally eat! The secret to our VitaWatr's effectiveness lays deep underground, where a very thin layer of slime coats the tips of the Jakaranda tree’s roots. Extracted, concentrated, and mixed with kelp, we inject this slime into our water at a dilution ratio of 1 000 000 parts water to one part active ingredient. Try our VitaWatr now and feel the difference!

[Cuts to ‘testimonials’ from overly happy customers…] Margaret from Sandton: I had extreme arthritis and doctors could do nothing for me; I was in daily pain, I tell you! Then after drinking VitaWatr for six weeks, I could open a mayonnaise bottle again without having to call my husband! All I can say to people is, try it, what do you have to lose? [My fucking money?]

End with impulse-buying tactic: Auntie Fanny’s all-in-one vitamin-enriched water, available at all leading pharmacies and stores, nationwide, for only R29.95 a litre! BUTTTT, there's more! Buy a five liter can now and get a VitaWatr sports bottle FREE! Only while stocks last!

I’m so good at this nonsense, I should actually stop joking about it and develop the next multi-million dollar product that does absolutely NOTHING!

What is the objective here?

Frankly, it pisses me off when people who have a varied diet choose to argue with vegans as opposed to asking them what they intend to achieve with their unnaturally selective diet and lifestyle. Seriously people, look at Homo Sapien teeth, we are OMNIVORES! But the sort of people that tell you to eat plants are usually not the sort who know anything about biology; they spend too much time feeling sorry for nature than to study it.

Will the vegans be happy if we all stop eating meat and live in grass huts far away from cities? Will they be happy if we stop driving cars and tampering with technology? Perhaps! But why stop there? Why don’t we all rip off your clothes  and swing (pardon the pun gentlemen) as nature intended? Why stop there? Let’s Forsake language, we only need a dozen or so hand-gestures to explain to our offspring (the lucky one in ten that survive child birth) where to plant the seed and how to water it.

I know what a slippery-slope argument is and I will never consciously allow myself to utter one, but it really seems to me as if these bark-chewing morons will not stop until the average human life expectancy is well below thirty again! It’s a pity these vegans don’t realise that if we were all living like the savages they implore us to mimic, then next to none of them would be around to preach to any of us; they would have died years or decades ago from worn away teeth, predation, disease, or tribal conflict.

The way forward...

The way forward, comrades, is with a fully open choke and sooth bellowing forth from the exhaust! SCREW NATURE! I hope our species one day escapes the cycle of extinction that this planet is so very well known for.

This 'global warming' is but a phase we are going through because of our technological adolescence. We got a bit lazy and over dependent on fossil fuel, but we either burn it up and use that energy to drive our economies which drives technological development, or we end up becoming fossil fuel ourselves!

If you want to live like a vegan, go ahead! Human kind’s technological prowess grew primarily from its need to better protect itself against ‘others’ of its own kind. If you think we can all go Kumbaya and live like harmonious vegetarian bushmen, then you are overindulging in one of nature’s psychedelic flora!

We should all by now be aware that some people command us to take a smaller (or no) slice of the cake simply because they want our share! I trust we have all been duped enough by these scam artists in humble clobber to detect shit when it is afoot.

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