MyNews24 is a user-generated section of The stories here come from users.

The Last Contrarian
Comments: 49
Article views: 1478
Latest Badges:

View all The Last Contrarian's badges.

Screw Nature

27 March 2013, 17:02

The term tree-hugger neatly ropes together the conglomerate of nature-loving, plant-eating, save-the-whales ignoramuses that troll every other moderate person who practices a varied diet and interacts with technology on a semi-frequent basis.

I don’t think I am the only one who is getting just a little bit suspicious of the influx of ‘research’ data that shows how non-vegetarian foods are supposedly oozing with carcinogenic compounds ready to send you to the grave by way of proliferating tumours within your person. When will we ever hear that you can live five years longer eating more meat?

I smell a cane rat here… a big fat one, the likes of what we always see perched on a couch next to Operah Winfrey while they finger-pointingly insist that ‘we are what we eat,’ and, therefore, should take their advice exclusively! Maybe it is not so much that we are what we eat, as it is that we eat in accordance to what we are. Have you ever thought about that my dear ‘nutritional experts?’ That may explain the fascination some people have with fruits, nuts, and vegetables! Regardless of which it is, you won’t see me go near a kool-kop, let alone eat it! I'm scared some of those properties will rub off on me.

Fingerprints of a conspiracy

There seems to be a conspiracy brewing here as the tree-hugger and vegan movements have already tripped several conspiratorial traps:

1. The proof is always unreachably obscure – Climate change data is especially hard to extract from sources and requires a tremendous amount of (mis)interpretation. Hmmm… where have we heard this one before?

2. The end is near, but not too near – The end is always close enough to fuck up your plans but far away enough to sell millions of books, DVDs, and supplements in the meantime!

3. The perpetual state of emotional emergency – This follows directly from ‘the end’ scenario, but lately the emotional emergency is your health and the environment!

4. Survival guides / kits – Books, diets, or supplements, they have it all to balance out your PH, boost your energy levels, help you sleep like a rock (get it? Cause rocks are natural!), and fuck like a stallion! With these people’s advice and products, you’ll be farting pure ozone in no time!

5. Ancieintism, the belief that human civilization was smarter and wiser the further back we go in time – If you seriously thing the vegan lifestyle is a projection into the future, then you must be one of ‘them.’ Veganism is so outdated it makes Neanderthals look like advanced aliens!

The hallmarks of a scam in progress

We've all seen this nonsense on T.V. How many more people can be caught with a variation on the following:

With auntie Fannny’s VitaWatr [always some messed-up spelling is involved], you can say goodbye to constipation, poor blood circulation, and offensive body odour, which results from the toxins in the food we normally eat! The secret to our VitaWatr's effectiveness lays deep underground, where a very thin layer of slime coats the tips of the Jakaranda tree’s roots. Extracted, concentrated, and mixed with kelp, we inject this slime into our water at a dilution ratio of 1 000 000 parts water to one part active ingredient. Try our VitaWatr now and feel the difference!

[Cuts to ‘testimonials’ from overly happy customers…] Margaret from Sandton: I had extreme arthritis and doctors could do nothing for me; I was in daily pain, I tell you! Then after drinking VitaWatr for six weeks, I could open a mayonnaise bottle again without having to call my husband! All I can say to people is, try it, what do you have to lose? [My fucking money?]

End with impulse-buying tactic: Auntie Fanny’s all-in-one vitamin-enriched water, available at all leading pharmacies and stores, nationwide, for only R29.95 a litre! BUTTTT, there's more! Buy a five liter can now and get a VitaWatr sports bottle FREE! Only while stocks last!

I’m so good at this nonsense, I should actually stop joking about it and develop the next multi-million dollar product that does absolutely NOTHING!

What is the objective here?

Frankly, it pisses me off when people who have a varied diet choose to argue with vegans as opposed to asking them what they intend to achieve with their unnaturally selective diet and lifestyle. Seriously people, look at Homo Sapien teeth, we are OMNIVORES! But the sort of people that tell you to eat plants are usually not the sort who know anything about biology; they spend too much time feeling sorry for nature than to study it.

Will the vegans be happy if we all stop eating meat and live in grass huts far away from cities? Will they be happy if we stop driving cars and tampering with technology? Perhaps! But why stop there? Why don’t we all rip off your clothes  and swing (pardon the pun gentlemen) as nature intended? Why stop there? Let’s Forsake language, we only need a dozen or so hand-gestures to explain to our offspring (the lucky one in ten that survive child birth) where to plant the seed and how to water it.

I know what a slippery-slope argument is and I will never consciously allow myself to utter one, but it really seems to me as if these bark-chewing morons will not stop until the average human life expectancy is well below thirty again! It’s a pity these vegans don’t realise that if we were all living like the savages they implore us to mimic, then next to none of them would be around to preach to any of us; they would have died years or decades ago from worn away teeth, predation, disease, or tribal conflict.

The way forward...

The way forward, comrades, is with a fully open choke and sooth bellowing forth from the exhaust! SCREW NATURE! I hope our species one day escapes the cycle of extinction that this planet is so very well known for.

This 'global warming' is but a phase we are going through because of our technological adolescence. We got a bit lazy and over dependent on fossil fuel, but we either burn it up and use that energy to drive our economies which drives technological development, or we end up becoming fossil fuel ourselves!

If you want to live like a vegan, go ahead! Human kind’s technological prowess grew primarily from its need to better protect itself against ‘others’ of its own kind. If you think we can all go Kumbaya and live like harmonious vegetarian bushmen, then you are overindulging in one of nature’s psychedelic flora!

We should all by now be aware that some people command us to take a smaller (or no) slice of the cake simply because they want our share! I trust we have all been duped enough by these scam artists in humble clobber to detect shit when it is afoot.

Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.

Read News24’s Comments Policy publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
Add your comment
Comment 0 characters remaining
5 crucial questions to ask before you take that job 2014-10-30 08:00

You choose your employer just as much as they choose you. Here are 5 of the most important things you should find out about a company before you sign up.

Read more from our Users

Submitted by
Merry Martin
Theists, please stop explaining!

SilverBack wrote a series of rebuttal articles recently, and one of the issues he raised was the scene where God instructs Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, only to rescind that instruction at the last minute.  Read more...

318 comments 2404 views
Submitted by
MyNews24 delay

We have been receiving your photos and stories but at the moment we're experiencing technical difficulties and are unable to publish them. But there is a way to get heard. Read more.  Read more...

0 comments 382 views
Submitted by
Joe Johnson789
Celebrity deaths bring violent cr...

The eyes of the world were on South Africa for about ten months the trial of Oscar Pistorius lasted. It was reported as one of the most watched media events in recent history. Read more...

9 comments 1026 views
Submitted by
Manny Obi-Wan Meyer
The pleasure of finding things ou...

I have often wondered how the events of my past have structured my life in the present, my various skills and propensities, my way of reflecting upon the world at large. Read more...

12 comments 715 views
Submitted by
God is tangible

I am writing this to let every atheist know what happened to me when I was deeply concerned about my mother. Read more...

437 comments 5175 views
Submitted by
Inspired Parenting
10 Tips for helping our matric st...

As more than half a million matrics in South Africa begin their exams, the hopes and dreams of our country rest on their shoulders. Read more...

12 comments 880 views

Jobs in Cape Town [change area]

Jobs in Western Cape region

Customer Experience Advisor

Cape Town
Teleresources Cape Town
R5 000 Per Month

Job: Interactive Web Designer / Developer, Digital Agency, Cape Town, R12k -R20k

Cape Town Northern Suburbs
Initiate International
R12 000 - R20 000 Per Month

Office Manager

Cape Town Southern Suburbs
Hi-Tech Recruitment - Johannesburg
R15 000 - R20 000 Per Month

Property [change area]

Travel - Look, Book, Go!

Magical Massinga

Spend 5 nights at the gorgeous Massinga Beach Lodge in Mozambique and only pay for 4 from R13 220 per person sharing. Includes return flights, accommodation, transfers and romantic turndown. Book now! - shop online today

Save up to R2100 on electronics! – As seen in the catalogue

Wishing for tech gadgets this festive? Save up to R2100 on hot tech products at While stocks last. Shop now!

Toys 4 for the price of 3

Buy 4 toys and get the cheapest FREE! Offer valid while stocks last. Shop now!

Seen something you like in our catalogue?

Find the perfect gift and save up to R5000 – As seen on the catalogue. Hurry and shop now!

Mind blowing deals on electronics!

Save up to 35% on electronics. Offer valid while stocks last. Shop now!

Hot offer: Up to 50% off irons

Save up to 50% on all Philips irons. While stocks last. Shop now!

OLX Free Classifieds [change area]

Samsung Galaxy s4

Mobile, Cell Phones in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 24

Best bargain in big bay

Real Estate, Houses - Apartments for Sale in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 25

VW Golf 6, 1.6 Trendline (Excellent condition)

Vehicles, Cars in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 25



E-mail Alerts The latest headlines in your inbox

RSS feeds News delivered really simply.

Mobile News24 on your mobile or PDA

E-mail Newsletters You choose what you want

News24 on your iPhone Get News24 headlines on your iPhone.

SMS Alerts Get breaking news stories via SMS.

Blogs Your opinion on you, me and everyone.

Calais Website keywords automated by OpenCalais.

Interactive Advertising Bureau
© 2014 All rights reserved.
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.


Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.

Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire network.


Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.

Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.