For most of us, who, unlike our illustrious president, don’t have the odd R200-million to spend on beefing up the security of our homes, the following might prove useful. (By the way, if you find this story racially offensive, that’s your problem – I’m telling it the way I see it.)
Both Zuma and Kublai Khan built stately homes – one in Nkandla and the other in Xanadu. Old Kublai had those Mongolian whores (Note: some researchers say it was “hordes”) to protect his property; while Showerhead has wives and the taxpayers’ money to spend on his home security.
But let’s leave Kublai Khan and his Chinese hordes – whose offspring are currently invading our country – out of this story. Soon their names (like that of Pretoria) will change from “hordes” to “colonialists,” and then the real fun will start.
That appallingly bad actor, Henke Pistorius, claims that the ANC government has failed to protect white people. The fact is that this corrupt communist government has failed to protect ALL of us – from babies and grannies that are raped and killed – to the poor black township dweller – to the rich white in his barricaded prison in Waterkloof Ridge. (Although I have yet to hear of a SINGLE case of a black home that was burgled; or a black who was robbed and killed for his/her cell phone; or a black that was killed at home in Mamelodi or Attridgeville, by a white person.) But let’s ignore my racist comment for now, shall we?
So what can we do to protect our homes and *hearths?
We put up palisades, 3-meter high walls, electric fences, burglar alarms, security companies, and vigilantes such as those Rampokkers A MaWhatever, Rottweilers, burglar bars, vicious Mothers-in-Law, guns (to shoot toilet doors), and various electronic devices.
And now we are safe?
You wish!
Criminals (or creemie-nahls, in the vernacular), simply stick a gun against your head as you enter or leave the driveway to your home.
Now, what can you do? I can only speak from personal experience. I know lots of people, who have had their homes broken into more than once; who have been robbed on several occasions; who have had their dogs poisoned; who have had their security fences cut and burglar bars broken. It has NEVER happened to me in all of the 43 years that I have had my own house. I am obviously doing something differently from that of these unfortunate victims of crime.
You can call it luck, karma, God’s mercy, fate, providence – whatever blows back your ears. I beg to differ. And I’ll tell you why.
I NEVER allow a stranger onto my property. NEVER. EVER.
I NEVER employ a maid, or housekeeper, or **fille de chamber, or domestic, or whatever a slave in the house is called nowadays. Nothing gets stolen, broken, or goes missing in my house. I laugh at minimum wages and at the ever rising cost of taking a taxi, bus, or train. No “inside information” is leaked to creemie-nahls who make a leaving from house breaking and beg-larries.
I NEVER employ a guddie-na. Firstly, if something needs to be broken in my garden, I’m the man for the job. I can take a garden fork and puncture the sprinkler system hose as well as the next man. I can cut the lead to my electric lawnmower faster than any hired hand. I can stand immobile for hours – propped up on the handle of a ***shovel – just as well as Phineas.
Secondly, I cannot see myself paying an unskilled labourer – off the street, nogal – the same daily wage as that of a qualified teacher or nurse.
Thirdly, I know of too many cases where the so-called “gardener” has raped, killed, or helped criminals to rob and kill his employer, or their families.
And lastly, I don’t trust Zimbabweans.
Or those Mongol whores.
*hearth – braai area
**fille de chamber – from French, meaning: domestic skelmpie
***shovel – Note: a “shovel” is not a “spade”
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