With the blooming elections looming, and our politicians bombarding us with a constant barrage of verbal diarrhea, it might be a good idea to stock up on toilet paper.
Some of you might remember that I once swore the following oath (while sitting behind a bush) somewhere in the outback of southern Angola: “Oh, Opening where my Gastrointestinal Tract Ends *(OGTE), I solemnly Swear this Oath: ‘If I should ever get out of this godforsaken bush alive and back to civilisation, I shall only use the finest, softest, silkiest, multi-plied, toilet tissue paper, forever and ever – as sure as these Angolan flies are my witnesses. By Jove.’” (End of Oath.)
Because I am a man who rarely keeps his Swearing and his Oaths, I have been on a lackluster quest to find the ultimate toilet paper, ever since that watershedless day behind an Angolan bush.
This morning, I was pleasantly surprised to discover the “NEW” Baby Soft Toilet Tissue – with a “Touch of Luxury,” on the shelves at Pick ‘n Pay. And nogal in two new flavours: Shea Butter, and Aloe and Vitamin E. (Yes, Sakkie, I know that toilet paper is supposed to be used to wipe backsides.)
Now let me tell you something: Although I am quite willing to experiment with new varieties of toilet paper, I’m a bit skittish when it comes to using something containing newfangled ingredients. So I did some serious research – in other words – I quickly Googled the stuff. Allow me to copy and paste some of my research here:
Shea butter is made from nuts. (No, Sakkie, forget everything that you’ve heard. It is NOT made from human cojones.) Shea butter is an ivory-coloured fat, extracted from the nuts of the African shea tree, Vitellaria paradoxa. (For the honey-buggers: The shea trees are not injured, or harmed in any way, during the extraction process.)
Shea butter is used for hair care:
“A natural way to get your hair to look and feel great is by using Shea butter. Many women will spend thousands of dollars on hair care products that do absolutely nothing to improve their hair.
It is not, however, a hair conditioner. It does not contain the nutrients to keep hair from becoming dry and brittle. What it does, is to seal in the conditioner or moisturiser that you use.
Shea butter comes in different grades. The lower grades can be less expensive, but obviously the quality is lower as well. Try to get the highest quality butter you can afford. It greatly increases your chances of having your hair braids and twists turn out to look fabulous!”
OK. So, what they’re saying here, Sakkie, is that the “NEW” Baby Soft Toilet Tissue, with Shea butter, is good for your hair – even those hairs growing in unsightly, unmentionable, concealed places. (For the record: I’ve NEVER braided or twisted my hair. Any of it.)
I’m not interested in using this product. Being an old fart (and married), has meant that I no longer have to attempt to attract the opposite sex with my flashy hairstyles. Plus the fact (I would imagine), that it would be extremely difficult to braid one’s hair down THERE.
Next, Baby Soft, Aloe and Vitamin E flavour:
“6000 year old stone carvings in Egypt contain images of aloes, which they referred to as the ‘plant of immortality.’
On May 9, 2002, the US Food and Drug Administration issued a final rule banning the use of aloin, the yellow sap of the aloe plant, for use as a laxative ingredient in over-the-counter drug products.
It is also used for skin conditions such as sunburn, and frostbite. Other uses for extracts of ‘Aloe Vera’ include the dilution of semen for artificial fertilisation of sheep, and as a fresh food preservative.”
OK, Sakkie, I think what they’re saying here, is that the ancient Egyptians used aloes to wipe their immortal, laxative riddled backsides – and that infertile **Australian farmers use aloes to inseminate their sheep. Cruel… but kinky.
Personally, I have never come across anyone suffering from sunburn or frostbite of the *OGTE. But then again – what do I know…
“It’s common knowledge that vitamin E is good for your skin – it is an antioxidant that protects and repairs your skin.
When your skin takes a beating from the sun’s ultraviolet rays, your body can produce free radicals. Free radicals are
members of the EFF atoms with an uneven number of electrons, and when they form inside your body, they steal electrons from healthy cells that make up your skin. This can cause a damaging chain reaction, and that’s where antioxidants, like vitamin E, come in.”
Vitamin E side effects:
“All-rac-alpha-topopherol (synthetic vitamin E), seems to speed up vision loss in people with retinitis pigmentosa. If you have this condition, it’s best to avoid vitamin E.”
Again, it just goes to show that one cannot be too careful when exposing your private parts to the sun’s harmful UV rays. And that any product – which can lead to blindness – should be banned from the grocery shelves with the contempt it deserves.
So there you have it, Folks – use these products at you own peril. But remember: You have been warned!
*OGTE – Place where the Sun Never Shines
**Australia – where men are men; and sheep are nervous
PS Baby Soft price: R53.99 for 9 rolls of 350 sheets, or R01.71 cents per sheet.