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Shoot the Boer – Banned!

02 November 2012, 13:16

This week, Afriforum and the ANC reached an out-of-court settlement in the case of the now infamous, ‘Shoot the Boer’ song.  The chapter is finally closed.  Or is it?

While details of the settlement remain sketchy (to you laypeople of South Africa), we as the cutting-edge investigative journalists we are, can reveal some the facts and far-reaching consequences of the case.

Not only has agreement been reached that the singing of this horrific song shall no longer be echoed either publically or privately at any party gathering, but discussions are underway to introduce new legislation that may soon see a national ban on the words ‘shoot’ and ‘Boer’ – ‘the’ is still pending a final decision as it’s omission could see us spiralling back to the stone age with nonsensical phrasings like: ‘Please pass ... gravy?’, or ‘... tall man punched ... policeman in ... face’.  Yes, this is Africa, but still.

Furthermore, a number of equally offensive tunes are being analysed which could see them scrapped off every playlist from RSG to Metro FM.  These include: Kurt Darren’s “Loslappie” – which we all know is really about his domestic worker who arrives drunk each morning; Mandoza’s “Nkalakatha” which when played backwards says, ‘steal a laptop’; and Vicky Samson’s “African Dream”, because when she sings about ‘shadows in the night’, it’s apparently in reference to blacks loitering around her neighbourhood after dark.

These are but a few of the tracks on government’s watch list.  The rest will be gazetted shortly.  Be prepared to say goodbye to a host of camp fire classics and party anthems.

From what we’ve been told, the ruling extends beyond mere hate speech, in fact all violent themes are now questionable.  So before time runs out, while you still can, we suggest you beat those eggs, whip that cream, cut that cheese and flog that milk.

In a last ditch attempt, we know that some have already substituted the word ‘kill’ for ‘kiss’.  But since ‘Boer’ is banned as well, rumours suggest that the next closest match might be used in its place. 

So don’t be surprised the next time you hear this song ‘... the ...’, if it sounds more like ‘Kiss the boob’.  Until they ban the word ‘boob’ that is, then we’ll all be kissing something else.

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