So this is Valentine's Day? Pffft. I live in the most beautiful city in the world and I feel totally disillusioned with romance today. Our mother city is sometimes also referred to as the gay capital of SA (behind Pretoria that is). No, don’t get me wrong. I have absolutely nothing against homosexuals, never have. That is not at all either what this rant is about. In fact it should be a good thing for my affliction. See, I love women. And here in lies the problem. There is a common ratio thrown around in conversation that straight ladies outrank straight men in Cpt with a ratio of at least 4 to 1. Bollocks, I tell you.
I suppose some background is in order. I am a well groomed, honest, attractive (no not my own words :) ), sensitive, intelligent, well-spoken 39y old divorced man with a stable job and a great 11yearold son that is my world. I know where I am; understand myself and the people around me. I know where I want to be and most of all know what I want. I have certain standards and they are by no means even close to what I could get if I happen to be in the right place at the right time. So no, I am not being unrealistic either. That I am pretty sure of! I am a reasonable size with a decent body for my age (getting better every day as the last few pounds disappear), exercise and pretty damn good in the “other department” as well (again not my own words :) ). I am pretty comfortable in my own skin and generally very much a “do onto others…” kind of guy. I give freely emotionally, live with my heart on my sleeve (evidently to my detriment) and once I love I love with my whole being. I am not interested in one night stands or flings as it takes too much from me emotionally. Sounds like the perfect guy? So what’s the problem you ask? Well…
I have a circle of friends that given my age are all married or have been divorced and remarried etc. My friends circles also follow the same pattern generally. No problem. So a braai it is with a great kuier with some stunning people and a bottle of red wine. Definitely one of my favourite pastimes, so I do not have a problem with that. But I do not get to meet single ladies that could be a potential suitor for me. And I can’t blame my friends for it :), it is just one of those things. Well not a problem I thought. After all given the ratio’s, for every one of me there are 4 of you in Cape Town that wi;; blow me away and find me amazing. But this is where things become tricky. Where do I get to meet you?
And please excuse me if I generalise here but this is my experience.
Bar? No thank you. I am 39 years old and if I get a single lady in a bar of suitable age I first of all want to know what she is doing there on her own. If she is there to pick up guys and if so how many in the past year, month, week? No thanks! If she is there with her friends then OK but you are not likely to allow me access to the group. Can’t blame you I must say cause who would want to be picked up in a bar or club by a (almost) middle aged man unless you are there to be picked up, in which case I am not interested. Catch22. That is just too desperate! It is just not a suitable venue as I am not interested in a one night stand.
Randomly on the street or coffee shop? I mean as in walk up to someone and just ask them if you could buy then a cup of coffee cause you think they are stunning and you would like to meet them. Ahem! When last have you tried this in our modern age? You are immediately branded as a pervert stalker type and likely to be slapped with a restraining order after being sprayed with mace. Ok exaggerating but you get the picture. What happened to the good old days when people sat in a restaurant and could walk over to another and just start chatting? Now it is an invasion of privacy etc. If you are there in a group at my age you will more than likely be ignored by others as you are probably taken already and if you are there alone and not embroiled in work, with your plate under your left hand and your laptop’s touchpad under your right, you are looking to pick someone up and or desperate again. Eish! Can’t win here either.
Dating sites? Genade! So let me tell you my experience of dating sites. And please do not shoot me here as I am generalising from my experience. Yes I have been to a dating site and am actually still registered, but totally disillusioned with the process. 1stly you are presented like cattle on auction being paraded and having to sell yourself. Well not a problem. I am well-spoken and can sell myself I recon. But to find the right people… So who goes to dating sites? Well from a man’s perspective I have found 6 types I can list quickly. Again this is cynical as this is a cynical piece and not a happy one ;)
1. Desperate “older” people – yes we are all desperate to a degree but don’t come across as. I realise we are all lonely else we would not be looking to meet someone. And here please understand, I understand. But I am not going to settle for anything less than what I should have.
2. Gold diggers – These are two categories: young and middle aged (a little desperation here as they realise time is running out) But generally they are hot girls looking for wealthy men. They are prepared to sell their souls for the lekka life.
3. Jollers – These girls are good looking but not interested in anything other than being taken out, things be bought for, a bit of non-attached relationshipping, etc. Nothing wrong here but just not what I am interested in. Am sure there are loads of men into this. I am not one though.
4. Very damaged people – Yes I have been damaged as well. I had my heart so severely broken I did not think I would get up from it. But I have. I am standing. I have moved on and am in control of myself. I realise you are there for emotional comfort and a chat. I will help and assist but you are not what I am looking for as a partner.
5. Approval hunters – The people in this category are on the dating site to boost their feeling of self-worth. They will not enter a relationship as they will always believe they are worth more…
6. Diamonds – Then there are the diamonds. These are stand-up ladies that know where they are in life and what they want. And are there for the right reasons. To find the right person.
Unfortunately in my experience the suitors in the diamonds make up way less than 1% and it is almost impossible to find them. Or rather if you are not lucky it will take years! And when you do you are inevitably too late and because they are who you want they will not meet you out of principle when already testing the waters elsewhere. Talk about a catch22.
So what else is left for me? Beach? Gym? Church? I just feel going to these places to find a woman will have desperation written all over it. I suppose as with all the above! It has become apparent to me that finding one of the 4 will end up being luck of the draw. I don't really like gambling and I don’t like not being in control so it irks me. But I realise there are 4 of you out there so I may as well keep looking.
So where will I find you? Where are you hiding? Miss 4 to 1 in Cape Town? How will I ever meet you? And no, I will not settle. I will wait till I am blown away by you. When I wake up every morning you must be the 1st thing I see. I must feel your breath on my face and realise I am the luckiest man alive. When I am 80 and sitting on the stoep looking out over the ocean I want to know that, had I been able to get a reboot, I will make the same decisions over again without regrets. And most of all. You must feel the same way about me. No negotiations.
So yes. Maybe when I am 40 on Valentine's day I will smile again. Maybe never. All I know is today, when I should be, I am still not complete.
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