Herewith 10 points by which to test your South African awesomeness. Let’s do Jeevie’s checklist thingie and see how you fair:
Firstly, if you are Capetonian and don’t know about the interwebs and stuff, ‘Saffer’ is actually a shorty for ‘South African’. Sounds like something an Auzzie would call us but I like it so I’ll keep it! (Thankyou verriemuch!)
1) No real Saffer can actually pronounce the words ‘South Africa’ properly. It’s a dead giveaway.
As an ex Boksburger, I had to learn to pronounce ‘Souf Efrika’ as ‘South Africa’ but was severely hampered by the influences of the African ‘Sowth Ehhhfrikah’, Sandton’s ‘Sowth Ah-frikah’ and Brakpan’s ‘Soeforfrika’.
After hanging out with a few Capetonians, I finally managed to get it down to: ‘That place on the other side of our border bru’.
2) A true Saffer considers salad to be ‘’the stuff my food eats’’.
Only gullible mamparras think that salad helps you lose weight, that’s lekker nonsense. I have seen many fat cows, but never a fat Lion! Don’t believe the Americans, since when do you take diet advice from a nation of chubbies? Just stop eating blerrie sugar. Flippit man, that stuff makes you so fat you get an auto green card.
3) A true Saffer has only one tanned arm. Two tanned arms mean that you use the sunbed and are probably a stripper. If you don’t understand this point you need to go back to Europe or get a boer to mentor you. Usually you can’t see the single tanned arm on a black dude but blackies make up for it with point 4.
4) Whiteys may never recline their seat past the window pillar of a car. Blackies are the only ones who know how to make that look cool.
Only blackies can do that because a perfect rhythmic head nod is required to pull off the ‘back window recline position’. If a whitey tries to do the head nod on CCR, boeremusiek or trance music, you will crash your car. Charros must never attempt that position, that Bollywood stuff will put your car in a tree! (This is not about blerrie ‘natural rhythm’ it’s about the music you listen to).
5) A true Saffer doesn’t have a problem with a label.
We are a blerrie smarty box man! Our ancestors worked hard to earn us those stereotypes! I come from Boksburg and live in Parys so yes, I have a mullet and drive a Ford. A Dutchie is a dutchie, a blackie is a blackie, a charro is a charro, a rooinek is a rooinek and only okes with bags of chips on their shoulders will get offended with those terms. South Africa is the box and it has smarties and coconuts everywhere. Build a bridge and get over it. Just don’t treat a oke like a piece of trash and he won’t bliksem you.
6) A true Saffer knows that a bum is a muscle for running fast. If you sit on it too much, the muscle will get confused and think it is a couch. Saffers are not supposed to look like ‘mericans. We are a sexy, fit nation. Even our ‘big boned’ chicks are hot. You can easily spot a Saffer in a room filled with internationals. The Saffer is the one on the edge of the chair or standing while they type. Flippit we sexy!
7) No true Saffer pronounces Rand as ‘Rand’, the correct pronunciation is ‘Ront’. Don’t come with that lah dee-dah dee, hoity toity, high society posh pom nonsense. A Ront is a Ront and a blerrie traffic light is a ‘Robot’.
8) If you can’t Potjie you are not a Saffer. Sis man. Ek skaam my dood! Gas or fire or stove or whatever... Black, White, 50 shades of grey, whatever… Every smartie in the box knows how to Potjie! It’s genetic. Saffers can Potjie from when their little hands are strong enough to cut an onion.
I once heard of a guy who had never made a Potjie, he was shunned by all around him and died a lonely death. Sommer go Potjie now so that you can get some friends. Blikskorrel man, what’s wrong with you?
9) If you don’t like a lekker poep joke in a movie you are not a Saffer. It’s ok to pretend to not like it for your ‘decent public image’ but it’s funny so at least laugh into your chest if you need to. Funny is funny, don’t be a flippin sour chop. No sense of humor doesn’t make you look mature, it makes you look sour and bitter and just all things un-Potjie!
10) Saffers can dance. It’s in our genes. Vastrap, Kwaito, Truth two step, that funny duck dance thing, wedding sprinkler moves, we blerrie dance! Don’t chune me you can’t dance, you are a Saffer so fliippin put a chune on and drop it like it’s hot!
11) Saffers only make 10 point presentations, 11 point presentations are for Germans, Asians, Capetonians and the Swiss. So this one doesn’t count.
I’ll see you in the comments section.