PLEASE NOTE:

MyNews24 is a user-generated section of News24.com. The stories here come from users.

 
Tyronehster
 
Comments: 8
Article views: 0
 
 
Latest Badges:



 
View all Tyronehster's badges.
 

Southern Sophistication

14 November 2012, 10:12

I thought it might be an idea for Friday to come early this week, what with things getting so tense around here.

Buford and Abner wus mighty excited. Cousin Bubba wus comin’ down fum Nashville, an’ he had hisself a proper eddication, not college, but he done finished High School, and wus well acquainted with the big city ways, so they wus bustin’ with questions they wunted to ask. He even had hisself a pickup truck wi’ them big wheels. Man he wus sumpin’ else!

He had stories, an’ then some! He could make em laugh jes’ by takin’ off his baseball cap, which made his hair stan’ up sorta straight, and waggle his ears at the same time; man, that dude wus funny!

‘You ‘member th’ time he went dancin’ wi’ that there gal with a wooden laig? He spun her the wrong way an’ she grew taller! I swear, Buford, Bubba makes me laugh till I wanna wet my britches!’

‘I make you laugh, don’ I?’ asked Bufor, kinda pathetic like.

‘Yeah, Buford, course ya do! ‘S’on’y, I ain’t seen Bubba in a long time, an’ his stories is new, tha’s all!’

When they got to th’ house, they wus mighty impressed. Bubba’s pickup wus all shiny red, with them big ol’ tyres, so it looked real tall. They could hear th’ folks inside th’ house laughin’ fit t’bust a gut, an’ they looked at each other. Yep, Bubba wus here, alrighty!

‘Howdy boys!’ he sang out as they walked in. They could see he brung presents f’ everyone. Bubba war’nt selfish, no sirree Bob! He had two John Deere baseball caps, one each f’ Abner an’ Buford an a whole passel o’ beer; more than a body could drink, it looked like! An’ this wus big city beer, in cans. Real fancy, but that wus Bubba f’ you. Bought  on’y the best, but he wus th’ same ol’ Bubba, no airs or graces ‘bout him.

‘I wus jes’ tellin’ these here folks ‘bout my new girlfrien’, he said to Abner and Buford. ‘She looks jes like that famous country singer, an’ when we walk down the street there in Nashville, ever’body says, “Hey look! Garth Brooks!” Makes a body mighty proud.’

‘I had this girlfriend once, she had one boob bigger than th’ other? She entered a wet t-shirt competition and came fust and third. I was so proud a my sister, I tell you!’

‘But this new girlfriend a mine, she got this beauty spot, like Cindy Crawford, an’ the’ fust time I kissed her, I saw it wus a tick! I took out my lighter t’ burn it, and she shouted at me, “Careful! You’re burnin’ my beard!” I din know whut else t’ do, so I jes pulled it off with tweezers and put some moonshine on. Ifn that don’t clean it out, I don’ rightly know whut will.’

‘So why you come all this way t’ visit us?’ asked Abner. He din’ like to be out a the spotlight fer too long.

‘I came to ask grammaw’s advice. She an’ gramps been married fifty years now, an’ I’m thinkin’ a settlin’ down.’ He walked off t’wards where grammaw was settin’. ‘ 'Grammaw, y’ think I should git married?’

‘Shet the door!’ said grammaw, ‘I’m tryin to poop in here!’

Well, you kin imagine how folks wus bustin’ a gut laughin’ there! That there Bubba, he wus sumpin’ else!

He come back down the passage an’ said, ‘I wanted t’ impress Maisie’s folks, even though I don’ hold with them none, so I thought I’d take them out to a real fancy restaurant, sorta rub ‘em up th’ right way y’ know? So I picked ‘em up in this here pickup, had it washed an’ all an’ went to this real fancy restaurant, but I wus so eager t’ impress them, that my foot slipped offn the clutch an’ the tray fell off the winder an’ onto the groun’, so we had t’ go back ‘roun’ agin. I wus so embarrassed, I wus like a midget in a hurdles race!’

Abdner an’ Buford couldn’ stop laughing at picturin' a midget in a hurdles race.

‘Maisie come home one day with them eatin’ britches.’ He looked aroun’ at them an’ they looked mighty puzzled. ‘In the big city, you get eatin’ britches, all different flavours, an’ the like. S’posed t’ make yore sex life better.’

‘Anyway, Maisie come home with these here eatin’ britches, strawberry flavour, an’ I said straight out, “You kin eat ‘em ifn you want, but I don’ want nothin’ that taste like strawberry an’ catfish, no sirree!”’

Well, it looked like Abner wus goin’ t’ fall plumb offn his chair, he laughed so hard, beer comin’ out his nose. When he calmed down, he said, ‘Who in tarnation would want to be eatin’ britches?’ And that set him off again. Man, that Bubba could make a body laugh!

‘An’ that Maisie, she knows French and evr’thang! Why, one day we wus makin’ love, and the dog come in an’ lick my hinie, an’ quick as a flash, she said, ‘”That war’ a reg’lar ménage a trois!” That’s French f’ three people doin’ it.’

Abner wus laughin’ so hard now, he couldn’ even drink his beer, on account a it kep’ comin’ outn his nose. That Bubba!

He tol’ us he went to one a them strip clubs, an’ they had theirselves a midget stripper: she jumped outn a cup cake.

‘But y’ know fellers, y’ gotta stay away fum Miami. I never seen so many drugs in my life! Why, I wus settin’ in my car, right there in the street, mindin’ my own business, when this feller come up t’ my winder and offered me some drugs. Right there in the street! I said, “No thank you, Officer.” That place is bad!’

‘An’ my sister, Lou Ann, went an’ got herself a belly button ring. Th’ way she eats at a buffet, I thought it was a tow-hitch!’

‘Anyhows, I got m’self a new job down at the fact’ry; they done made me a foreman, an’ I’m gittin’ more money, so we went an’ got ourself a double-wide. Man, she’s a beaut!’

Abner whistle real loud when he heard that. A double-wide? Man, that wus like a palace on wheels!

‘You kin see, the neighbours look up t’ me now. Ain’t  jes anybuddy kin own a double-wide, though we almost los’ it a while back. I came home fum work and I could smell Maisie cookin’ sumpin’, I said “What you got cookin’ there?” she yelled back, “Fish sticks!” I was a mite puzzled. “Is it our anniversary?”

‘She come out, wipin’ her hands, “Nah, I jes’ thought I’d make us sumpin special f’r a change.” That Maisie, din’ I tell you she’s sumpin’ else. An’ this wus jes’ a weekday, mind!’

‘Anyways, she wus busy cookin’, and I wus lyin’ there with my lighter, lightin’ farts, when the curtains caught fire. Man, I got a fright! I called the Fire Brigade on my cellular telephone,’ he done showed it t’ ever’one, ‘but they couldn’ fin' us, so we had t’ hitch up an’ meet them halfway! Man, we nearly lost that double-wide.’

‘Maisie thought the oil fum the fish sticks caught fire, and I never tol’ her whut happened, but we managed to save that there trailer.’

‘Her parent, though, I don’ cotton t’ them none. They got no discipline. Maisie’s little sister, Peggy, she’s on’y twelve years old, an’ they let her smoke at the eatin’ table. An’ you know whut’s worse? She does it in front of her kids! How in tarnation they ever gonna learn if that’s whut their momma does?’

Well, he carried on like thet f’r a while, then Abner and Buford moseyed back on outa there.

‘Y’know, Abner,’said Buford after a while. ‘Bubba shore is a good guy, like you said, an’ he ain’t got no airs and graces, an’ he give us these really nice caps…’

‘So whut’s yore problem, Buford?’

‘I don’t fit into that there high society.’

‘Nope, Buford, me neither.’

Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.
 

Read News24’s Comments Policy

24.com publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
8 comments
Add your comment
Comment 0 characters remaining

Read more from our Users

Submitted by
Meta
News in the digital age

How do you think that spreading your hate/bigotry and or intolerance helps anybody? Read more...

7 comments 211 views
Submitted by
Brian Faul
How and why a Dictator is born

One needs to remember looking back in history these hard times is when a dictator is more likely to get born. It is during these hard times that a dictator gets voted into power. Read more...

4 comments 937 views
Submitted by
Prenisha Naidoo
I will be proactive...

This letter is in response to articles on the death of baby Jamie Naidoo, We have the tendency to be reactive…we wait for something to happen, then suddenly we care, writes a News24 User. Read more...

2 comments 355 views
Submitted by
woadstress
Celebration

Make a list of at least ten things that you can celebrate, and write two or three reasons why you can celebrate those things or events. Read more...

1 comments 71 views
Submitted by
Eric de Castro
Last squeak of the year

 Read more...

2 comments 17 views
Submitted by
MarkH

Jobs in Cape Town [change area]

Property [change area]

Travel - Look, Book, Go!

Kalahari.com - shop online today

2DAYS ONLY – 30% off Appliances

Coffee makers, blenders, fans, juicers and more. T&Cs apply. Shop now!

2 DAYS ONLY – 40% off books

Get 40% off when you buy 2 books. For two days only! T&Cs apply. Buy now!

Up to 50% off on outdoor gear

Save on chairs, blankets, cooler bags, umbrellas and more. Shop now!

Save on Samsung

Cameras, mobile phones, TVs, Tablets and more. While stocks last. Shop now!

Grand Theft Auto 5

Now available on PS4, Xbox One and PC from R649. Buy now!

OLX Free Classifieds [change area]

Samsung Galaxy s4

Mobile, Cell Phones in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 24

Best bargain in big bay

Real Estate, Houses - Apartments for Sale in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 25

VW Golf 6, 1.6 Trendline (Excellent condition)

Vehicles, Cars in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 25

 

services

E-mail Alerts The latest headlines in your inbox

RSS feeds News delivered really simply.

Mobile News24 on your mobile or PDA

E-mail Newsletters You choose what you want

News24 on your iPhone Get News24 headlines on your iPhone.

SMS Alerts Get breaking news stories via SMS.

Blogs Your opinion on you, me and everyone.

Calais Website keywords automated by OpenCalais.

 
Interactive Advertising Bureau
 
© 2014 24.com. All rights reserved.
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.
 
English
Afrikaans
isiZulu

Hello 

Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.


Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire 24.com network.

Settings

Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.








Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.