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Southern Sophistication

14 November 2012, 10:12

I thought it might be an idea for Friday to come early this week, what with things getting so tense around here.

Buford and Abner wus mighty excited. Cousin Bubba wus comin’ down fum Nashville, an’ he had hisself a proper eddication, not college, but he done finished High School, and wus well acquainted with the big city ways, so they wus bustin’ with questions they wunted to ask. He even had hisself a pickup truck wi’ them big wheels. Man he wus sumpin’ else!

He had stories, an’ then some! He could make em laugh jes’ by takin’ off his baseball cap, which made his hair stan’ up sorta straight, and waggle his ears at the same time; man, that dude wus funny!

‘You ‘member th’ time he went dancin’ wi’ that there gal with a wooden laig? He spun her the wrong way an’ she grew taller! I swear, Buford, Bubba makes me laugh till I wanna wet my britches!’

‘I make you laugh, don’ I?’ asked Bufor, kinda pathetic like.

‘Yeah, Buford, course ya do! ‘S’on’y, I ain’t seen Bubba in a long time, an’ his stories is new, tha’s all!’

When they got to th’ house, they wus mighty impressed. Bubba’s pickup wus all shiny red, with them big ol’ tyres, so it looked real tall. They could hear th’ folks inside th’ house laughin’ fit t’bust a gut, an’ they looked at each other. Yep, Bubba wus here, alrighty!

‘Howdy boys!’ he sang out as they walked in. They could see he brung presents f’ everyone. Bubba war’nt selfish, no sirree Bob! He had two John Deere baseball caps, one each f’ Abner an’ Buford an a whole passel o’ beer; more than a body could drink, it looked like! An’ this wus big city beer, in cans. Real fancy, but that wus Bubba f’ you. Bought  on’y the best, but he wus th’ same ol’ Bubba, no airs or graces ‘bout him.

‘I wus jes’ tellin’ these here folks ‘bout my new girlfrien’, he said to Abner and Buford. ‘She looks jes like that famous country singer, an’ when we walk down the street there in Nashville, ever’body says, “Hey look! Garth Brooks!” Makes a body mighty proud.’

‘I had this girlfriend once, she had one boob bigger than th’ other? She entered a wet t-shirt competition and came fust and third. I was so proud a my sister, I tell you!’

‘But this new girlfriend a mine, she got this beauty spot, like Cindy Crawford, an’ the’ fust time I kissed her, I saw it wus a tick! I took out my lighter t’ burn it, and she shouted at me, “Careful! You’re burnin’ my beard!” I din know whut else t’ do, so I jes pulled it off with tweezers and put some moonshine on. Ifn that don’t clean it out, I don’ rightly know whut will.’

‘So why you come all this way t’ visit us?’ asked Abner. He din’ like to be out a the spotlight fer too long.

‘I came to ask grammaw’s advice. She an’ gramps been married fifty years now, an’ I’m thinkin’ a settlin’ down.’ He walked off t’wards where grammaw was settin’. ‘ 'Grammaw, y’ think I should git married?’

‘Shet the door!’ said grammaw, ‘I’m tryin to poop in here!’

Well, you kin imagine how folks wus bustin’ a gut laughin’ there! That there Bubba, he wus sumpin’ else!

He come back down the passage an’ said, ‘I wanted t’ impress Maisie’s folks, even though I don’ hold with them none, so I thought I’d take them out to a real fancy restaurant, sorta rub ‘em up th’ right way y’ know? So I picked ‘em up in this here pickup, had it washed an’ all an’ went to this real fancy restaurant, but I wus so eager t’ impress them, that my foot slipped offn the clutch an’ the tray fell off the winder an’ onto the groun’, so we had t’ go back ‘roun’ agin. I wus so embarrassed, I wus like a midget in a hurdles race!’

Abdner an’ Buford couldn’ stop laughing at picturin' a midget in a hurdles race.

‘Maisie come home one day with them eatin’ britches.’ He looked aroun’ at them an’ they looked mighty puzzled. ‘In the big city, you get eatin’ britches, all different flavours, an’ the like. S’posed t’ make yore sex life better.’

‘Anyway, Maisie come home with these here eatin’ britches, strawberry flavour, an’ I said straight out, “You kin eat ‘em ifn you want, but I don’ want nothin’ that taste like strawberry an’ catfish, no sirree!”’

Well, it looked like Abner wus goin’ t’ fall plumb offn his chair, he laughed so hard, beer comin’ out his nose. When he calmed down, he said, ‘Who in tarnation would want to be eatin’ britches?’ And that set him off again. Man, that Bubba could make a body laugh!

‘An’ that Maisie, she knows French and evr’thang! Why, one day we wus makin’ love, and the dog come in an’ lick my hinie, an’ quick as a flash, she said, ‘”That war’ a reg’lar ménage a trois!” That’s French f’ three people doin’ it.’

Abner wus laughin’ so hard now, he couldn’ even drink his beer, on account a it kep’ comin’ outn his nose. That Bubba!

He tol’ us he went to one a them strip clubs, an’ they had theirselves a midget stripper: she jumped outn a cup cake.

‘But y’ know fellers, y’ gotta stay away fum Miami. I never seen so many drugs in my life! Why, I wus settin’ in my car, right there in the street, mindin’ my own business, when this feller come up t’ my winder and offered me some drugs. Right there in the street! I said, “No thank you, Officer.” That place is bad!’

‘An’ my sister, Lou Ann, went an’ got herself a belly button ring. Th’ way she eats at a buffet, I thought it was a tow-hitch!’

‘Anyhows, I got m’self a new job down at the fact’ry; they done made me a foreman, an’ I’m gittin’ more money, so we went an’ got ourself a double-wide. Man, she’s a beaut!’

Abner whistle real loud when he heard that. A double-wide? Man, that wus like a palace on wheels!

‘You kin see, the neighbours look up t’ me now. Ain’t  jes anybuddy kin own a double-wide, though we almost los’ it a while back. I came home fum work and I could smell Maisie cookin’ sumpin’, I said “What you got cookin’ there?” she yelled back, “Fish sticks!” I was a mite puzzled. “Is it our anniversary?”

‘She come out, wipin’ her hands, “Nah, I jes’ thought I’d make us sumpin special f’r a change.” That Maisie, din’ I tell you she’s sumpin’ else. An’ this wus jes’ a weekday, mind!’

‘Anyways, she wus busy cookin’, and I wus lyin’ there with my lighter, lightin’ farts, when the curtains caught fire. Man, I got a fright! I called the Fire Brigade on my cellular telephone,’ he done showed it t’ ever’one, ‘but they couldn’ fin' us, so we had t’ hitch up an’ meet them halfway! Man, we nearly lost that double-wide.’

‘Maisie thought the oil fum the fish sticks caught fire, and I never tol’ her whut happened, but we managed to save that there trailer.’

‘Her parent, though, I don’ cotton t’ them none. They got no discipline. Maisie’s little sister, Peggy, she’s on’y twelve years old, an’ they let her smoke at the eatin’ table. An’ you know whut’s worse? She does it in front of her kids! How in tarnation they ever gonna learn if that’s whut their momma does?’

Well, he carried on like thet f’r a while, then Abner and Buford moseyed back on outa there.

‘Y’know, Abner,’said Buford after a while. ‘Bubba shore is a good guy, like you said, an’ he ain’t got no airs and graces, an’ he give us these really nice caps…’

‘So whut’s yore problem, Buford?’

‘I don’t fit into that there high society.’

‘Nope, Buford, me neither.’

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