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Spirits be upon us

10 September 2012, 12:23

P. T. Barnum never said: “There’s a sucker born every minute.” But he would have – had heard a Spirit Guide giving advice to callers on 702 Radio.

Purely by chance (or maybe it was the spirits who made me do it) I tuned to 702 and heard the last fifteen minutes of a Spirit Guide who was giving “guidance” to some listeners (suckers) who called in.

I Googled the Guide’s name and, Behold! Snake oil, smoke, and mirrors – enough to make a Marikana sangoma blush!

When she was thirty, the Guide (let’s call her Tinkerbelle), received an angelic message that it was time to help other people (at R125 a call). Since then, she has been “gracing” the telephone lines and airwaves with mumbo-jumbo, while getting rich and travelling the world.

I found this classic little gem of an article, called: “Pain as a Message,” written by Tinkerbelle. She poses some soul searching questions and then gives the answers:

“Have you ever been struck by a headache like a lightning bolt? Succumbed to a wave of exhaustion that practically threw you down on the sofa? Or have sudden pains that come out of nowhere?”

My answer to these questions: “Yes! Yes! Yes!” But those where in the days when I was still drinking like a fish. It was known as “babbelaas.”

Tinkerbelle explains: “These pains are actually messages from your spirit guides. Your guides really want to hear what you have to say to them – the guides know that human beings snap to attention when their bodies feel sudden sharp twinges.”

Sudden and sharp – like when the wife gives me a swift klap to the ear, hey, Tinkerbelle?

Tinkerbelle resumes: “Instead, just accept pain without labelling. Check in with your body. You might feel a lessening of the pain, or it might throb once to let you know you are on track.”

Now this is really a bad piece of advice! Throbbing could earn you another couple of klappe – let’s not go there.

Here’s what a typical telephone call would sound like – with the spiritual guidance from Tinkerbelle:

Caller: “I’ve been having problems with my sacroiliac for the past three years. Whenever I do strenuous work, my lungs seem to be dysfunctional – causing a tingling sensation in my lower back. I have tried to take ...”

Tinkerbelle: “Don’t give me the background! Just ask your question.”

Same Caller: “Will I be successful in my business?”

Tinkerbelle: “You haven’t been honest with your mother-in-law.”

Caller: “But I haven’t got a mother-in-law.”

Tinkerbelle: “Yes, but you have someone who is overseas and who you haven’t seen for a looong time.”

Caller: “I don’t know anyone overseas.”

Tinkerbelle: “I know – but someone else does. Good luck and God bless.”

And so on, and so on.

But, good news to all you newly-born suckers! According to Tinkerbelle’s website, you only need to do two things to book a session with the Spirits: Write a list of ten questions about yourself. And deposit R500 into her account at Absa. Then call or SMS Tinkerbelle to schedule a time you will be available at a landline or your cell – then you call her.

PS       I thought it prudent to include some personal advice: Be mindful of spirits – some of which are a 100% proof. You will be struck by a headache like a lightning bolt; succumb to a wave of exhaustion that will throw you down on the sofa; throb in strange places... and collect swift klappe.

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