P. T. Barnum never said: “There’s a sucker born every minute.” But he would have – had heard a Spirit Guide giving advice to callers on 702 Radio.
Purely by chance (or maybe it was the spirits who made me do it) I tuned to 702 and heard the last fifteen minutes of a Spirit Guide who was giving “guidance” to some listeners (suckers) who called in.
I Googled the Guide’s name and, Behold! Snake oil, smoke, and mirrors – enough to make a Marikana sangoma blush!
When she was thirty, the Guide (let’s call her Tinkerbelle), received an angelic message that it was time to help other people (at R125 a call). Since then, she has been “gracing” the telephone lines and airwaves with mumbo-jumbo, while getting rich and travelling the world.
I found this classic little gem of an article, called: “Pain as a Message,” written by Tinkerbelle. She poses some soul searching questions and then gives the answers:
“Have you ever been struck by a headache like a lightning bolt? Succumbed to a wave of exhaustion that practically threw you down on the sofa? Or have sudden pains that come out of nowhere?”
My answer to these questions: “Yes! Yes! Yes!” But those where in the days when I was still drinking like a fish. It was known as “babbelaas.”
Tinkerbelle explains: “These pains are actually messages from your spirit guides. Your guides really want to hear what you have to say to them – the guides know that human beings snap to attention when their bodies feel sudden sharp twinges.”
Sudden and sharp – like when the wife gives me a swift klap to the ear, hey, Tinkerbelle?
Tinkerbelle resumes: “Instead, just accept pain without labelling. Check in with your body. You might feel a lessening of the pain, or it might throb once to let you know you are on track.”
Now this is really a bad piece of advice! Throbbing could earn you another couple of klappe – let’s not go there.
Here’s what a typical telephone call would sound like – with the spiritual guidance from Tinkerbelle:
Caller: “I’ve been having problems with my sacroiliac for the past three years. Whenever I do strenuous work, my lungs seem to be dysfunctional – causing a tingling sensation in my lower back. I have tried to take ...”
Tinkerbelle: “Don’t give me the background! Just ask your question.”
Same Caller: “Will I be successful in my business?”
Tinkerbelle: “You haven’t been honest with your mother-in-law.”
Caller: “But I haven’t got a mother-in-law.”
Tinkerbelle: “Yes, but you have someone who is overseas and who you haven’t seen for a looong time.”
Caller: “I don’t know anyone overseas.”
Tinkerbelle: “I know – but someone else does. Good luck and God bless.”
And so on, and so on.
But, good news to all you newly-born suckers! According to Tinkerbelle’s website, you only need to do two things to book a session with the Spirits: Write a list of ten questions about yourself. And deposit R500 into her account at Absa. Then call or SMS Tinkerbelle to schedule a time you will be available at a landline or your cell – then you call her.
PS I thought it prudent to include some personal advice: Be mindful of spirits – some of which are a 100% proof. You will be struck by a headache like a lightning bolt; succumb to a wave of exhaustion that will throw you down on the sofa; throb in strange places... and collect swift klappe.
Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.