State of the nation address first draft
Dear citizens, it is with grate pride I Jacob Zumer return to you here in parliament to give you a prospective of were our nation is at, firstly let me begin with the struggle, you didn’t put up much of a fight, at I just merely went around and spend, some of the states moneys upgrading my house, I had a cottage built for all my wife’s and children, and it only cost you 200milion, not bad hay it could have been worse.
I would also like to report that I got rid of that medal some rat and he has now been left to fall on his sword, on his farm in limpompo that the state will soon own cause I have put SARS on his case and I will make a sure that anyone that crosses me will get Liquidated ( it is just a pity we gave him those government contracts in the first case , I am sure the my umpagumptas could have made better use of it)
Last year saw me not only take care of him , but I also got the police to soot out the rebellion, that was happening in the north west , Let this be a warning to you, we do not let you ask for more money to live on ,we have to take our shear first!!!!
As you know I was re elected the president of the C.a.n.c.E.R I bet you didn’t see that coming , well neither was the guy running against me, hehehe I have always considered him a lame duck, but I felt so sorry for him , I let him I let you pay for a five million rand vacation, after he lost , just to say no hard feelings hay ,
But anyway this is what you can expect from me, now let me see ,now that I have a new deputy , we will reshuffle, our government ,hopefully after next years election , but I will let my deputy work closely with my old deputy ,and maybe we can come up with more of the same, if he does not, listen, I will just have to get rid of him like I did before no one can SHAKE things up like I can. Because this is my last term as well I think it is time to consider some presidential pardons, specially to some of my friends I have already let out of jail, on terminal illness, shame he will probably die very soon , of natural causes say in a few years time,
Anyway getting back on to the topic, I have found ways to make sure that my expense account stays ( the national current account) stays in adequate, supply, very soon those road users in Johannesburg and twane will not know what hit them , talking about Johannesburg why have not changed that name yet, Anyway with all this spear cash , I think that we could come up with that 200 million for that new plane hehehe , I don’t like the one we have, so I am forced to hire one that is up to my standard, and may bay I can do another upgrade at the home stead I need a landing strip, and a terminal building to be put in place , hopefully I will be able to afford my own plane once I retire, at this rate I would say I am almost there, oh yes and then there is the poor, I will have to find a way to keep them in tack cause, we don’t want a uprising like last year, ah I have got it ! I will do what I always do and blame it on apartheid
But don’t you worry and don’t you fear Zumer will make sure that its business as usual, so smile don’t say anything or draw anything to challenge me I will take you to court for defamation , and make sure you are labeled, either a racist or getting batty in your old age- God Bless you South Africa
(Mac please fax this to my speech writers for editing)