Every time I hear yet another bunny-hugger extolling the virtues of wind power, I thank the gods that the Bunny-Hugger Party (BHP) will never rule this country. Not that they could possibly do more damage than the current bunch of fools… but I’m just saying.
If you promise not to tell anyone, I’ll tell you a little-known story of a clandestine project which was carried out right here, in this country, under your very nostrils. It was never made public, for oblivious reasons.
Some years ago, the corrupt government decided to build a wind farm, consisting of twenty wind turbines, in the barren and desolate Karoo. (Karoo, from the Khoisan: !ke e /xarra //ke, which means: there are no pee pull living here.)
The pee pull, or mindless masses (MMS’s), as they are also known, stayed away from the Karoo. Their reasons? There was nothing there to steal, and no one to rob, rape, or murder. There was no one there to irritate and annoy with their constant marching, striking, plundering, burning tyres, blocking roads, trashing the streets, and stoning the cops.
But the most important reason was that there were no facilities in the Karoo for recharging the batteries of their stolen cell phones, laptops, iPads, etc.
But that’s not important right now.
To determine who would be given the tender for building the wind farm, the government held an auction. There were four bidders, and as usual, none of them had any previous experience of building anything, let alone a major project of this kind.
“What am I to bid?” asked the auctioneer.
“Five million jobs,” opened a lady with the saddle blanket on her head.
“Six million, real jobs,” bid a madam in a heavily Botoxed demeanor.
“Ten trillion real, genuine, authentic, bona fide jobs,” shouted a fat little joker with a red beret on his empty head. “And free T-shits and berets for all my pee pull!”
“BEE,” bid a shower-headed imposter, on behalf of the government. (No, Sakkie, he said BEE, not BOO!)
“Sold to the shower-headed imposter,” said the corrupt auctioneer, and closed the bidding.
And so, ten million MMS’s were bussed, and taxied, to the wind farm site in the Karoo. On arrival, they were each issued with the usual T-shit, KFC, and pap. First they went on strike for more pay, and then the construction got underway.
The original cost of the project was five million Rand – but with inflation, corruption, and the ever-rising cost of Johnny Blue, the final price tag came to just over R100,000 trillion gazillion.
After many strikes, riots, and clashes with the unions, the twenty wind turbines were finally constructed – years behind schedule. As usual. Each turbine was capable of providing a maximum of *2.5 to 3MW. It was expected that the twenty units would generate at least 50MW.
And then, one windy day, the turbines were switched on. The massive blades started spinning…
The reverberation from the mechanical gearing was similar to that of a thousand idling Harley-Davidson’s. The noise from the blades sounded as if someone was using a million vacuum cleaners on the Karoo’s veldt carpet. The resident sheep, dassies, lizards, and rocks, didn’t seem to mind. (Some low-flying vultures, crows, and birds were, however, chopped to micro-chips.)
But then, just as everyone started cheering, someone took readings on the measuring equipment and realized that the combined output of all twenty turbines, was less than five micro-what!
Lucky for them, this was when Oom Koos van Jaarsveld, showed up.
“I see that you kêrels are having some problems here,” he said. “Let me give you some gratis advies, manne. Take down nineteen of your towers, and do the test again.”
So, having nothing to lose, the wekkas disassembled nineteen of the turbine towers and did the test again.
Big surprise! 2.5MW from the remaining turbine!
“Thank you, Oom Koos! Thank you,” they all chorused. “How do you explain this Satanistic phenomenon?”
“Boeties, is you dom? Where did you goes to school?” asked the old man. “Can’t you see there’s not enough wind in the Karoo for twenty windpompe?”
“Donners onnosel!” he mumbled, as he climbed in his Toyota bakkie and drove off.
And so, even though the twenty turbines were not built, everyone packed up and went home. But, as it always happens when these Animal Farm projects are not completed, or where the money has been mismanaged (read: stolen), there were no questions asked, and everyone lived happily ever after.
*2.5 to 3MW – information from SkerP, who wrote that brilliant article: “On wind turbines…,” soon to be made in a major movie.