A recent study conducted by the Sobriety University of Common Sense (SUCS) came to a surprising conclusion which has caught all spectators of the marijuana legalization movement off guard. The study, which was conducted on 420 marijuana prohibitionists, concluded “it has now been proven beyond a doubt that marijuana certainly causes insanity in those who are most against its use”.
Lead researcher, Professor Severus Vape, had this to say “there has always been speculation within the scientific community that cannabis use may not agree with those who are predisposed to mental illness, but we now know for a fact that marijuana will certainly cause mental illness in those who don’t even use it… this effect is fortunately limited to those who are against the legalization of marijuana”.
The results of the study have not been well received by the prohibitionist community. The T.H.C (Totally Hate Cannabis) group was one of the first to rebuke the study. Their CEO Pastor Daleft issued the following statement:
“The outcomes of SUCS’s study into the relationship between marijuana induced mental illness amongst prohibitionists is counter revolutionary and smacks of their typical common sense hallmark. We will disregard this study just as we have disregarded all other studies. This is not a matter of facts, evidence of logic for us. We deal only with the truth, and the truth is that using marijuana is very naughty.
So what if its prohibition does more harm than good? Who cares about all those poor communities caught in the marijuana crossfire between cops and gangsters anyway? It’s their fault for being poor and we could certainly use a reduction in the unemployment rate, bullets and prisons are a great way of achieving this. Besides we do not believe that a regulated and taxed market would be of any benefit. Drug dealers whom we have engaged with on the matter of legalization have assured us that it would be a bad idea due to kids then having easier access to marijuana in a legally controlled industry. These very same drug dealers are also part of our International Pinky Swear Alliance, which gets drug dealers to promise that they will not sell marijuana to children or offer marijuana customers other drugs. We are extremely confident that this alliance will result in a significant drop in youth marijuana use.
We will endeavor to continue spreading the truth with our arsenal of anecdotal evidence and junk science studies.
Yours sincerely
Pastor Daleft”
South African Police Service spokesperson, Lieutenant General Hempile, concurred with the outcomes of the study. “These blerry crazies are all over the show man. They tend to come out when it’s a full moon or when there is a Lady Gaga concert”.
Government officials could not be reached for comment as they were all too busy swiping their government issued credit cards to melting point at the latest HomeExpo in Sandton.
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