I seldom fall sick, become ill, or suffer an injury; and when I do, it’s normally just some minor problem. But there are people who suffer from minor ailments – with such impressive-sounding medical names – they make me sick with jealousy.
I would get a common cold – but these Sufferers from Serious Sounding Diseases (SSSD) would experience a bout of double pneumonia or an attack of double acute respiratory syndrome. Now, I am not a medical fundi, but I know that “double” anything is serious. Like a double shot of Mezcal Tequila with the Worm, or double shot of 100% proof Smirnoff, or a double, double, Stroh 120.
Many years ago, I fitted a double-barrel Weber carburettor to an old Ford Cortina. It made a serious difference to the car’s performance. (Plus the overhead cam, banana branch, etc, etc.) Especially after I’ve had a couple of serious doubles to drink.
I’ve always thought that death is overrated. Why fear the inevitable? Death is nothing but nature’s way of telling us to slow down. Right down.
I would hate to die from a heart attack, or cancer, or a stroke, or some measly common demise that might kill me till I die from it. I want to leave this planet as a member of SSSD club – with a serious sounding sickness or disease.
This morning I woke to find that there was hope for me after all! Overnight, I’ve developed a serious pain under my left shoulder blade. (I prayed that wasn’t a heart attack – so common, don’t you know?)
Now, I grew up in an era where we were taught that: “You can’t take every cough to a doctor.” (Probably saved my old man a fortune in medical costs.) So, instead of trotting off to the quack, I decided to Google my malady.
Jackpot! I found that I’m finally ready to become a member of the SSSD club. Just listen to the intimidating stuff that could be the cause of my pain:
Inflamed subscapularis; inflated bursae; torn rotator cuff – caused by compressed nerve trigger points; pulmonary embolism as a result of peptic or intestine ulcers; tight underwear or enlarged cojones; inflammation of the pancreas, gallbladder, pleura, or pericardium; impingement syndrome.
Yes! This was more like it. I’m now convinced that I’ve got an inflamed subscapularis with a touch of the old impingement syndrome.
But that’s not all!
A certain Dr Graeme Teague offers the following advice:
“If you can sit straight and the pain eases, there’s nothing to worry about. There are a few things you can do at home to ease it; some breathing techniques will help relax the diaphragm, but you should try to get your entire spine to work better.”
Nothing to worry about??? This guy has obviously never heard of an inflamed subscapularis with a touch of the old impingement syndrome. Bloody quack!
But all is not lost. I found this following link:
Sign up for free professional back pain advice at The X-Pain Method and say goodbye to pain forever! http://www.back-pain-advisor.com/help
I clicked on the link and found this message:
I'm Very Sorry You Found This Page
We updated our site, improved its layout, removed pages we feel no longer suit the site ... and as a result certain pages no longer exist.
You have found this page as you have clicked a link from a site that has recommended us to you, and we hope you enjoy your pain.
That’s it then – I’m a fully fledge SSSD member – seriously buggered up.
But, like *Michael J Fox – a guy I’ve always admired – I don’t want sympathy.
“Pity is just another form of abuse,” says Michael. “You get what you get and you don’t get upset.”
Well, I’ve got what I’ve got and I’m not upset at all! We members of the SSSD are a proud bunch. Don’t cry for me, Ford Cortina. And all and all.
*Michael J Fox – the Back to the Future star was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease
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