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Summer in th' Ozarks

06 June 2014, 11:29

It wus one a them summer days a body dreams ‘bout all winter long – warm days, but not too hot and makin’ enuff of a sweat t’ wash off the dirt thet builded up over th’ winter. June bugs wus buzzin’ ‘roun’ an’ ever’thang wus real purty, whut with th’ leaves all green an’ shiny, and a mighty nasty winter done an’ gone. Man, she  shorely wus a bad one! Th’ folks down in th’ holler never in their whole lives experienced nuthin’ like thet winter. Snow in th’ holler? Never heard a nothin’ like thet b’fore.

Still. Thet wus all gone an’ the bird wus sangin’ real purty an’ the squirrels wus runnin’ roun’ in th’ branches and chasin’ each other an life wus jes’ good! Abner and Buford wus moseyin’ up t’ Hiram’s cabin cuz they done heerd Bubba wus up there an’ he wus a’ways a riot wi’ his big city stories an’ big city beer in them fancy cans.

When th’ cabin hove inta sight, there wus Bubba’s pickup, all shiny ‘n’ red, with th’ Stars an’ Bars on th’ antenna an’ them big shiny wheels; man, she wus a beaut! Had hisse’f a sticker on th’ back, said, “The South Will Rise Again.” Buford wus mighty impressed when Abner tol’ him thet, though he din’ know much a thet there history stuff like th’ Civil War an’ all thet.

But he shore nuff liked thet there sticker, all blue an’ silver.

There wus a mighty big ruckus comin’ f’um Hiram’s cabin. Bein’ Mayor now, Bubba come t’ visit him plenny, cuz he done he’ped git Hiram ‘lected Mayor, so Hiram wuz beholden. ‘sides, Hiram liked him fine!

Ever’buddy wus laughin’ fit t’ bust a gut, cuz thet Bubba, he shore wus a funny guy! He wus tellin’ a story when they got there. ‘Y’know, long b’fore I met Loretta, I wen’ on a date wi’ this gal f’um N’Orleans, had herse’f some airs an’ graces like ya wouldn’ b’lieve! She wus real purty, min’, not purty like Loretta here, but purty ‘nuff.

‘We had ourse’ves a drink or two an’ wen’ up t’ her room there in th’ hotel, an’ thangs got real steamy, like. You woulda thunk we wus rasslin’, there wus so much action. She said t’ me t’ kiss her on th’ lips, so I did, an’ you won’ b’lieve whut happened!’

Nobuddy said nuthin’, waitin’ fer him t’ carry on. ‘She crossed her laigs an’ broke my sunglasses!’

Well, ever’buddy wus laughin’ fit t’ bust a gut, and Bubba said, ‘I don’ know whut y’all find so goldarned funny! I had t’ smoke me forty packets a cigarettes t’ git them sunglasses!’

Well the laughin’ sort a died down a bit, cuz them wus special sunglasses; you couldn’ buy them in any store, they could on’y be got by sendin' in forty cigarette packet tops, an’they wuz real fancy. Made ya look like a cowboy when you wus wearin’ them.

Well, Abner an’ Buford grabbed theirse’ves each a beer f’um thet there cooler box thet Bubba a’ways brung with him when he come t’ visit. Man, thet there city beer wus good! Ice cold an’ jes’ enuff bite t’ kill a thirst, but make you wan’ more.

‘Y’know, when I wus ’bout twenny four, the circus come t’ town an’ they had the world’s tallest woman, an’ I wanted t’’ see her, so I got me a ticket an’ wen’ in, an man! she wus tall. She makin’ those basketball players look like midgets. Th’ sign said she wus seven foot six an’, lookin’ at her, I b’lieved it.’

‘Y’know whut else? She wus real purty, an’ she wus smilin’ at me like I wus real special. When I got a chance t’ talk t’her, she wus real nice, but she tol’ me she wus lonely, on ‘ccount a bein’ so tall. Men din’t like it, even th’ tall ones. An’ she tol’ me she really liked me, an’ if I waited till after th’ show, we could go back t’ her trailer.’

Well,everbuddy wus listenin’ real eager now, t’ hear th’ rest a thisyere story. ‘When th’ show wus over, I follered her back t’ her trailer, an’ I’m here t’tell you, them circus trailers are beauts! An’ she wusn’ to bad nuther.’

‘Well, when she sat down, she wus a’mos’ as tall as me standin’ up, but I stood there an’leaned down a bit an’ kissed her proper like, an’ she started moanin’ an’ said, “Bubba, I wan’ you t’ make love t’ me!”’

‘I kin tell you, I din need no secon’ invitation! I started takin’ off her clothes and she wus takin off mine an’ soon we wus both buck nekkid. Well I kissed he some more an’ then got t’work, makin’ real good love t’ her, an’I wus goin’ real good, when she said, “Kiss me!”. So I popped out an given her a big ol’ kiss, then shimmied back down an’ wen’ back t’ work like a dawg on a laig.’

‘I wus sweatin’ real good an’ gruntin’ by this time, an she said, “Kiss me!”. So I popped out again an’ shimmied up t’ kiss her, hopin this one wus goin’ t’ last. I shimmied back down an’wus goin’ great guns, when she said, “Kiss me!” I hel’ out my han’ an’ said, “Oh sheeit, shake my han’, I’m comin’!”’

Well, th’ folks wus laughin’ fit t’ bust a gut, an’ Loretta wi’ thet li’l tinklin’ laugh, it shore wus a good story, an’ Bubba looked mighty pleased with hisse’f. Well, he done tol’ some more stories, but thet Bubba’s got so many stories a body cain’t ‘member them all.

When it started gittin’ dark, and Abner an’ Bufrod had drunk enuff a Bubba’s beer, they walked slowly back t’ their own cabin, an’ Buford said, ‘Abner, dya thank it’s true wi’ thet tall woman? I ain’t never seen a basketball player, so I cain’t tell ifn he’s joshin’ us.’

‘Buford, them basketball players is seven foot tall, an’ she wus taller than them, thet’s why she wus in a circus. Why, ifn Goliath wus here today, he wouldn’ be fightin no Israelites, he’d be in th’ circus, makin’ hisse’f some good money.’

‘Yeah, I s’ppose thet’s true,’ said Buford. ‘Man, you shore know plenny.’

‘Yeah, book larnin’ shore nuff paid off fer me.’

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