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Survivors guide to an English BBQ (In response to Lili Radloff`s - Survivor’s guide to partying with

17 December 2012, 07:51

Well, as most Afrikaners know, this is the best day and everyone`s highlight of the week, Braai dag. Then let the truth be told, this is one of those things that our English neighbours only do cause they are trying to keep up with the Jones`s (Van der Merwe`s). If you`re Afrikaner like me and used to having an “Ordentlike Braai” and are expected to go to your English neighbour`s BBQ this season, read further, you`ll thank me later.

If you have kids, feed them before you go!!!! You don’t want a hungry child at one of these do`s. Make sure your wife or mother have washed your clothes and dressed the kids in tip top outfits, depending in what area, gangsta American style or old fart English catholic style. Either way, prepare yourself to be judged. Remember to buy your wife or “Goose” white wine, only one bottle. You will be allowed to take a bottle of Gin and one litre of Tonic water. Geez my stomach is already turning.

Once you have arrived in your polished black tie event shoes and corduroy pants and jacket in the middle of South African summer, introduce your wife or “Goose” to the man of the house and his Lady. You may say your farewells cause when you get home you will not have the same woman, trust me, it`s not pretty. As for the kids, take them to the dark secluded area in the house, usually the creepy kid`s room, the one that stairs you down every morning before work. Now you may move toward the indoor braai section, follow your nose, it`s where the smoke is ventilated so badly you would need a gasmask.

Right, so now you can relax and start cracking some jokes, think again china, this is a business meeting. Start getting your brain into gear, cause these English men is all about, who is the better at whatever and who the bleep cares. If the Joker was invited to this party he would be crying in the corner and sulking, why so serious in a 3 year Old’s voice. You will be BBQ-ing pork sausages and rump steaks, nice!!!! Think again Boet, they will braai the living charcoal out of the poor meat. Did you bring your own tomato sauce? No? Go get a glass of water; you will have trouble swallowing this down. Have you seen your wife? No? the tea party isn`t for men and don’t even dare intruding, an English wife is wilder than a wild dog giving birth for the first time, she will shred you to pieces.

Once you have been placed at the dining table by one of the houses maid`s. Sit quietly and wait for the lady`s to arrive, your wife or “Goose” has now reached level expert on how to keep her man in its box. Do not, I repeat, do not use your hands on anything besides the cutlery and your glass of water. Quietly eat your 100gram of steak and your half of an excuse of a pork sausage with some bland mash prepared by the house maids. Don’t add salt, the wife of the house will have you killed before dawn rises.

All in all I believe every Afrikaner should experience this at least once in their lives. Preferably when you`re not married with kids, it`ll give you a good chance to either get a new girlfriend or see how strong your “Goose” really is. As for the Afrikaners that didn’t enjoy Lili`s article, god bless and hope you find someone to help you get that broom out of your number two. Enjoy the festive season and be safe.

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