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Philo Pillowcase Simelane
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Telephone Mysteries

18 March 2014, 13:30
How do secrets slip out of telephone lines. I got a mystery call from a friend recently. I brand it a mystery call because my friend wanted to share a secret with me and that’s a mystery to me. I hate secrets because they give you that un-doubtable task of having to find someone to share the secret with. After a few seconds of trying to convince that I have to share in on the secret, he succumbed to me refusing to hear the secret. I told him that a secret is called so because only two people share in on the story. Wait a minute. It’s a story that is shared by two people about other people. Just that alone tells you that can’t be a secret. What is a secret to you? I have heard lousy stories being shared to me and in the process being told its juicy gossip or a secret. Now that’s where I get so confused. What is the difference between Umgosi and Secrets? Seems to me, the boundaries will always be blurred. Back to the title of this blog, ever noticed how a private discussion you have over the phone and mind you, a very private discussion always ends up to the person you were discussing on the phone and THAT PERSON WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO HEAR WHAT YOU WERE SAYING ABOUT HIM OR HER. This is where most people break the friendship oath. Once caught both of you deny ever blurring out about that individual and everyone assumes the “presumed innocence until proven otherwise stand”. The part that has all the trimmings on top is when the two people who were sharing that secret fight and eventually lose that friendship because they were caught out. The third person who was being discussed chooses the weakest link and assumes that’s the guilty party. Worry not, here is my guide to sharing secrets and making sure they remain in cell phone and telephone lines: ? Make sure during the discussion, your friends shares in most of the details. In that way you keep saying those short phrases like uhmm, you don’t say, that what happened huh, that bad, he is that broke huh, so they now sleeping together. This makes it easy on your conscience. You sleep better at night. ? Make sure you don’t blur out statements that commit you and vindicate you in a competent court of law. You should be like, you know I liked her but I’m not sure as of today if I still like her. In court that’s better than I hate her. This is just in case someone is recording or listening on the other end. With this technology, people get nasty. ? Make sure you in an isolated place when gossiping where you can release that hyena laugh of yours that you only release when you watching Jerry Springer and screaming,” Hit that Bitch”. Nothing beats a good gossip. ? Don’t discuss fragile, emotional freaks just in case they commit suicide just because one of the two of you could not contain the discussion inside their chambers where the safe is locked by a red thing pumping blood all over the body. ? Lastly and I mean don’t ever share the secret with someone else after dropping the phone off with your friend. That’s the first basic rule to follow in gossip. ? And if caught say, “it wasn’t me” or say I categorically and vehemently deny the so called allegations. They are replete with inaccuracies that are meant to assassinate my character and demean my profile in the community. That being said I am going to require the person alleging so to retract the afro said allegations or face me and my wrath. That’s a mouthful right. But it gives people the impression you sure what you saying and you might contact lawyers in the process. In any case no matter how hard we try as the human race, we can trust each other long enough to say something bad about the next person much as they be family or friends and that’s the saddest thing in this world. Your true friend can never keep your weak moments in life inside themselves. It takes a strong person to see beyond gossips and cheap telephonic conversations and this blog is about trust. I trust you till you screw me over. Isn’t that the major principle in life. *Mphile Sihlongonyane is a BA graduate from the University of Swaziland who spends half his time trying to look for dry humor and sarcasm on the net. The other time is spent on advocacy, capacity building and coordination at a local NGO. He is yet to publish any material. He wishes he was a renowned writer but fate would have it otherwise. But he has not yet given up on his dreams at writing satire and sarcasm.

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