Alright, so you have a cause, you think. The world is under the control of imperialist and agents of the Devil, the "Illuminati". Your personal conviction or perhaps a drug induced one or a state of paranoia is telling you that you have to act to save mankind or your race, religion or creed. I guess the best thing to do is to strap yourself with a lot of ammunition and just walk into a public space and start shooting helter-skelter at civilians to prove your cause? Beeeeep, no you are wrong.
5 Steps to terrorism success
I think you are going about this in a very stupid and uninformed way. It is said that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is insanity. Since your predecessors have tried using the same strategy as you and they failed, it would be insane of you to do what they did. So relax, put the grenade down, breathe, just breathe. I will take you through some basic steps in terrorism that some of your comrades have failed to follow. I guarantee you that this is fail proof.
Okay now, I said take it easy, breathe. Yes the world is controlled by imperialists, infidels and other bad people but calm down and put the rifle away. I am here to help.
All you need to do is to follow these five basic steps and I guarantee you that you will be the most successful terrorist of all time. Books will be written about you, movies, songs, every young wannabe terrorist will want to emulate you. All you have to do is to follow my 5 steps to terrorism success, trust me I know what I am doing. Did I tell you I am also helping "service delivery" protesters in how best to advance their “cause”.
Step 1 - Focus, focus, focus.
This is one chant you will hear me repeat ad infinitum in this course. Focus. I also deal with this step in my service delivery class where I tell attendees that if the objective is getting toilets then there is no need to burn a public library. So, in your case, if the motive is to deal will imperialists and/or their agents in the West then there is no need for you to go and shoot children in Mogadishu or bomb a bus in India is there. Now to be a great terrorist you need to focus, we can’t let a great mind go to waste by being all over the place, for crying out loud focus.
Step 2 - Civilians are not your target.
If the world is controlled by imperialists then don't go about shooting people in the street, church, school and malls. Going about shooting innocent civilians only makes you a deranged lunatic with a gun. Now tell me who will sympathize with your "cause" when you just mow down innocent people? Think, think, and think. If thinking fails for the day, try to sleep it off, tomorrow will be another day and - hope you will wake up feeling better and not spray bullets at people who are trying to enjoy life.
Step 3 – You are not a celebrity
In as much as you would like to believe, not everyone is chuffed up at your newly found sense of responsibility in dealing with imperialist. No, you will also not be getting star struck people wanting you to sign t-shirts and no groupies will be queuing to sleep with you either and no there are no 70 virgins as well, in fact it might be one 70 year old virgin. So if your intention in taking up your “cause” is publicity then you are in this for the wrong reason. Like the service delivery toyi-toyers I was work-shopping last week, don’t join a service delivery protest just because you want to jump behind the guy being interviewed for the 7:00 news and waiving to the camera, that’s just stupid. So stop with the video messages, if you want to see yourself on the telly, just join a casting agency or play soccer.
Step 4 – Watch and learn
Make sure you watch a lot of movies on terror, especially American movies. Yes, yes I know they are imperialists and infidels but that's not the point here, focus! Okay as I was saying, watch the movies and see how the successful ones – as they are portrayed – are doing it. Try and go for the major prize, the imperial master himself, the head honcho, the king don father of the illuminati? Helloooo work with me here, go for the president is what I am saying. He is the guy you need and he has the key to the nuclear detonator. Shooting people at the mall will not make the head imperialist shiver in his pants in fact he will put together a task team and they will trace your **** and kill you as you might have seen in the movies.
Step 5 – Practice makes perfect
Now this is the most important step you will learn in this course. I know you terrorist lot like suicide bombs and all that, I mean which terrorist doesn’t, hey? Yes by all means make that bomb, go ahead. Once you have you finished making it and having it strapped around your body then hook some grenades as well as you would have seen in the movie you watched as part of step 3. Now stand in front of the mirror shouting whatever expletives you plan on shouting on the day of the attack and then pull the grenade pins to see it they are working. If they fail to detonate then start again shouting your “conviction statement” and click to see if the bomb strapped in your body will work. If they all go kaboom then congratulations you are well on your way into terrorism history books.
Money back guarantee
Now, I have trained a lot of people in being the best in their chosen cause and they have all come back to thank me (well others in the terrorism class never came back and I don’t know why). So, if you have followed all five steps and after the fifth you are not successful please come back for a refund.
All the best on your “cause”.
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