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The “Africanisation” of Africans

02 January 2013, 10:04

With Western technology being a part of our lives, I wonder how many people will want to go back to slingshots, penis covers, leopard skins and beaded fanny covers.

To really be part of this whole “I want to be an African” spiel, we need to eliminate all things connecting us to the Western world. And please – one cannot be preferential and choose what one wants to keep – this is “Africanisation”! So here’s my idea of the elimination process and how I see it happening. A fantasy that could become reality with Mr Zuma at the helm? My tongue in cheek scenario……

Where to start mmm? Let us start at the beginning when an African baby is born. No maternity wards and nurses. No doctors on hand if anything were to go wrong.  No napkins or disposable nappies. No formulas or bottles? Then schooling will have to be all about how to survive in the wild – because most important of all, there will have to be a great trek back to the veld. The child and the dog must realize that the pampered life is over and the dogs only connection with man, will be as hunter and dog.  No more running down to the butchers! No KFC! The colonel is an American and so is the Clown at McDonalds.

 In the meantime there are lots of Western ideas we have to do without – no radio for one, Television has been discarded, definitely not African.  That includes DSTV! No soccer at all – invented by the English, there is no such thing as African soccer – soccer is soccer! No games such as cricket, rugby, golf, baseball all created by the West.

Now things are getting tougher. No telephones, no cellphones, no bbm’s or whatsapp! No internet and Oh Lord! No Facebook. Then of course no BBE or stock exchange – oh dear Mr Motsepe and Mr Sexwale! We haven’t gotten to transport – ox wagons? There was no wheel when the White man arrived – or was there? No taxi’s! No trains, no planes, no bicycles, no motor bikes or scooters. What’s a person supposed to do? This “Africanisation” is starting to agitate the masses. Especially the “Clever Blacks” who had it all. There are signs of a revolution.

There are still chisa nyama’s, but no boom boxes, no car washes to get the weekend started. The 4x4’s have been dumped. Now the oxen have to be washed and groomed – never know when one will be needed to be slaughtered. No cinemas! God, that’s Western! No more browsing at malls over the weekend. Sandton City? Whats that? No more nail bars or women hairdressers on the corners to fit in Brazilian or Indian hair extensions. No more power dressing for men or women, leopard skins are the order of the day. Not many colours to choose from!

And life goes on for the rest of us – we are thriving on Western technology – Facebook and Iphones sales have peaked – South African “Africans” have thrown out all that the West has to offer – but Nigeria, Zambia, Uganda and our other neighbours are continuing to advance and stay intelligent, innovative and in touch with the rest of the world!

Meanwhile back in Nkandla or wherever the Africans have moved to, the stirrings of a revolution grow ever stronger. There is an underground movement called NAM – New African Movement, led by Africans with white tendencies who want to come back and join us in living the Western life, they want BEE, they want their houses in Morningside and Houghton, they want their kids to go to private schools, they want hair extensions, nails and maids! They miss Sandton City and 5 star hotels. Most of all they miss cellphones, internet and facebook – so “Africanisation” starts to give way to the new African Revolution – a nation of thinkers who want to be part of the global village. And have dogs as pets!

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