Eventually I got tired of reading the stories of Atheists vs Christians on News 24 and decided to go and watch TV. I turned it on and the first channel I tuned into was showing “Dynamo – Magician Impossible”. I watched with interest as he performed a variety of astounding tricks, but his final trick was the one that really caught my attention. He went down to the Thames River, climbed over the gate and went down to the water’s edge. After a slight pause, he stepped out onto the water and proceeded to walk on water for about 20 metres. I was flabbergasted. The last time this happened it was part of the start of a new religion.
The News 24 forums started to come back to me and I wondered if this was part of the “Second Coming” that all the bible-bashers had been going on about. Was this Dynamo dude really Jesus returning in disguise? Excited, I rushed to my computer and Googled “Jesus is Coming”. There were millions of results, but unfortunately, most of them pointed me to a Mexican porn movie. After going through a lot of them, I realised that there was no news about the arrival of the new messiah and I swear on the bible that I never watched the Mexican movie. In fact, most of the references had already passed and many of them hadn’t been updated for years (like Jim Jones’ or David Karesh’s predictions).
Despondent, I returned to the TV. Idly flicking through the channels I came across the “Jungle Book” on one of the kids’ channels. Lo and behold there was a talking snake called Kaa. Was this the evil serpent from Genesis? Unlike Adam and Eve, I did not want to be tempted and quickly switched channels.
I ended up on Action TV and there was this beautiful garden, and after seeing the talking snake, my immediate thought was that this must be the Garden of Eden. To confirm my thoughts, there was a naked man and a naked woman – it must have been Adam and Eve. However, after watching for a few minutes, I was not sure that this was not Atheist propaganda and was really about the Big Bang. I was about to change to more suitable viewing when the woman started screaming “Oh My Gaawwd”. Realising she was an American “actress” I knew that Gaawwd really meant God so she was obviously Eve, as Athiests don’t believe in God. I did, however, notice that there were no snakes in this movie version of the Garden (I don’t think they are allowed to show snakes in this type of movie). This is when I started thinking that a lot of what I was watching actually related to what was in the bible and maybe there was something to the rantings of the bible-bashers.
Intrigued and wondering if I would find further references to the bible on DSTV I thought I would go to something obscure and switched to the Education Channel. Guess what!! They were teaching multiplication. Now everyone (including Atheists) knows that one of God’s famous commands after the flood was “Go Forth and Multiply”. So here it was – how to multiply. I don’t know why God forgot add, divide and subtract, but maybe he was too busy siphoning off all the excess water.
Okay, so that was something obscure, but I was sure that I would not find anything relating to the bible on a sports channel, so I switched to SS1. It was rugby – the Brumbies versus the Lions. No ways could this pertain to anything religious? Turning up the volume, I heard the commentators say “Christian Lealiifano has the ball and is tackled by Josh Strauss who holds him up. The ref calls it a maul and the Lions pile in”. Oh my God!!! This is the Lions mauling a Christian. Shocked, I changed channels quickly.
What next? Surely, Home Makeover Extreme Edition could not have anything remotely biblical. I watch as they go through the reconstruction phase – nothing. Then it comes to the reveal and they bring back this fat, loud American woman plus her five kids to see their new home. As they walk through the house all she can do is start crying and babbling incoherently (like she is talking in tongues). I cannot understand anything except the oft repeated phrase of “Oh my God” and the kids going “OMG”. Now I cannot decide whether she is directing this at Ty Pennington or at the carpenter dude who built the cupboards. Either way, I am thinking that along with Dynamo - Ty or the carpenter guy could be the new messiah. It’s a pity I can’t get any clarification from Google.
By this stage, I was convinced that there appeared to be a relationship between the bible and DSTV as DSTV contained a lot of things that were mentioned in the bible. Could DSTV be the new bible? There were so many similarities, but maybe these were merely coincidences. Unfortunately, I do not believe in coincidences, so I continued to test my theory. I switched to the Movie channel and started watching “Star Wars – The Empire Strikes Back”. As I am sure everyone knows this is about Luke Skywalker, Darth Vader and the Force. Darth Vader rules the Universe while Luke tries to fight the Dark Side with the help of the Force. It is only when Darth Vader says “Luke, I am your father” that I realise that this is cunningly disguised reference to the Holy Trinity - The Father, the Son and the Hidden Force (Holy Spirit?).
Realising that Star Wars was something that I must follow devoutly; I again changed channels and really encountered something from the Dark Side – “Hell’s Kitchen” with Gordon Ramsay. Well, I know that there was plenty of cussing and heat in the kitchen, but Hell itself looked a pretty nice place. This is when I realised that the Devil was trying to tempt me with his worldly offerings and decided not to succumb to these temptations and to moved onto something better.
Another channel brings me the chanting of “Jerry, Jerry, Jerry”. Jerry is the closest I have come to the name of Jesus, but what is it all about? Sex, incest and violence! All things that are mentioned in the bible and at the end of the program a sermon from the amazing Jerry. No wonder everyone idolises this man. Along with Dynamo, Ty and the carpenter dude could Jerry be the reincarnation of the great JC?
After musing on what I have just seen, I switch to the channel guide to decide on what to watch next. “Monty Python’s Life of Brian” – no thanks it’s about false messiahs. Idols – no, we know what the commandments say about idols. Man Utd vs Arsenal – no thanks, it’s about Red Devils and homosexuals. “The Exorcist”, “Demons Never Die”, “Angels and Demons” or “Raising the Dead” – all relative to the bible, but no thanks it’s too late at night.
Eventually, I decide to tune in to MTV and fell asleep listening to songs from Genesis, Nazareth, Judas Priest as well as “Personal Jesus” by Depeche Mode, “It’s the End of the World” by REM, “Rapture” by Blondie, “The Number of The Beast” by Iron Maiden and AC/DC’s “Highway to Hell”.
Waking in the morning I realised that I no longer needed my bible as I had DSTV. I took the bible and threw it in the bin. Later, I realised I had made a big mistake and should never have thrown away my bible. I retrieved it from the bin and once again placed it at the base of my door. At least my door doesn’t bang anymore and if any bible-bashers come ringing my doorbell I can tell them that I already have a bible in my house and it has made a great difference in my life.
So I urge everyone to follow me and convert to DSTV (I get a commission). Like the bible it is mostly fiction and if you don’t like what you are seeing, you can change to another channel that can be interpreted to what you want to believe. Personally, I cannot wait to see the channel that teaches you how to turn water into wine and I will definitely be watching the rerun of the Adam and Eve story. Just remember that you must not be tempted as it also has stories relating to the Big Bang and Evolution. Just remember that these are just temptations that God has put in there to test you faith or maybe it’s the Devil that is trying to corrupt your soul – I can never decide which one it is.
In conclusion, remember that DSTV is closely related to religion, but unlike religion, it only costs R600 per month. In addition, you don’t have to get up early on Sundays, unless you want to watch the Japanese F1 Grand Prix. Also, you can pause, record, or rewind whereas the bible is permanently stuck on pause.
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