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The Boeremeisie's guide to marrying a Brit: Part Two

25 January 2014, 17:01

Boere-girl dating an Engelsman?

Welcome to part two of your survival guide.

The Boeremeisie’s guide to dating a Brit: Coping with the cooking

To summarise part one: As an Afrikaner woman, you are inherently tougher than your Engelsman. You can’t help it – your great-great-great Grandmother conquered The Drakensberg barefoot, pregnant and fighting malaria…Three times.

Today, her strong and stubborn genes live on - you, her great-great-great granddaughter, will NEVER stay home sick. Part one taught you how to cope with dating someone who will use anything - ingrown pinkie nails included - as an excuse to stay in bed all day.

Let’s get to part two.

Proud as we are to be the descendants of a tough bunch, there is one horrible genetic consequence that is hard to deny: At a certain age, we get fat.

See, Boerekos was designed for the super-active. Climbing mountains. Fighting wars. Farming in the red hot sun… Screw Crossfit, Pilates and anything else that now qualifies as “keeping fit” – we have nothing on our ancestors.

Yet we keep eating the sugar, sugar, sugar they so needed to keep going.

Just think of your favourite vegetable. Mine is pumpkin – mixed with syrup and squashed up with cinnamon and sugar. Yum!

Afrikaner veggies are brilliant. We’re the only people who dare to admit that adults don’t like veggies any more than kids do – so we make it pudding.

Let me share a family recipe for sweet potatoes:

Boil until soft. Slice. Layer with crumbed ginger biscuits, banana, brown sugar and butter. Add some orange juice and bake for an hour.

Serve with rys, vleis en aartappels and finish off the meal with some Malva pudding and hot custard.

Yummo! A delicious meal clocking in at a gazillion calories.

It’s no wonder our bodies can only take it for so long. It happens somewhere in our mid-forties – there comes a day in every Afrikaner woman’s life when she looks in the mirror and sees 7de Laan’s Matrone where Minki vd Westhuizen once stood.

The day she becomes a Tannie has arrived.

The process of getting to this day is a gradual one.

First, you slowly start getting podgier. Then, you realise that you just LOVE Julianne Moore and that you would like nothing better than to have red hair. The closest shade Dischem can offer you is a shiny, maroony colour. It looks cheap, but you take it anyway. When you’re done dyeing, you realise that you’re too fat to look like your Hollywood idol. 

For some reason, your solution is to cut your hair nice and short. You crave a new outfit, but the shops you used to visit suddenly seem tacky. Dejectedly, you’re walking past Milady’s when suddenly you stop. It’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen: A purple pantsuit. You buy all 10 size 16s they have in stock and never wear anything else again. With a sensible string of pearls and some sensible black shoes, your look is complete.

You are now wearing the uniform of middle-aged Afrikaner women everywhere – The Tannie Pakkie.

Now, dear reader, I understand that the prospect of becoming a Tannie is down-right terrifying.

But here’s the good news – if you’re dating an Engelsman, it won’t happen to you. Once again – pat yourself on the back for making such a great choice in a partner.

How does this work?

Think back – the first step in the Tannie-fication process is this: Getting fat. Specifically, getting fat due to spending years and years eating pudding masquerading as pumpkin.

As you integrate into your Engelsman’s family you will soon learn some shocking facts about food:

1.       Vegetables are meant to be steamed

2.       Fruit salad is a valid dessert choice

3.       Brandy and Coke is frowned upon when wine is on offer

Given the Engelsman’s weak constitution (covered in part 1), eating healthily is considered very important.

It will be tough at first, but change your ways. Throw away the Kook and Geniet and start steaming.

Your 45 year old self will thank you.

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