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The Last Contrarian
 
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The Case for Unicorns

17 December 2012, 07:47

The Case for Unicorns

I'm here to launch my campaign to save the unicorn from extinction, and all of you can make a tangible difference, right here, today! These peaceful, spiritual, and highly intelligent creatures are almost extinct because of mankind’s relentless greed and deforestation efforts! If you want proof of just how bad things are going for the unicorns, then go out into the wild and see if you can spot any of them! Scientists have spent millions of dollars on expeditions to find some of the last remaining unicorns, yet they can't locate any specimens in areas where they used to flourish, meaning they have had to fled to ill-suited environments just to keep from going extinct, and soon they may be forced even from these outlying habitats and into extinction. THIT IS HOW DIRE THE SITUATION IS! If we all don't act now, unicorns may imminently be wiped from the face of the earth, forever! I trust you will look deep into your hearts (and wallets) and do the right thing. Thank you!

[How can you be sure they aren't already extinct seeing as how nobody can find any unicorns?]

That is a good question! We do have reports and sightings of unicorns rather frequently; that is how we know we haven't lost the species, yet. Just this week I read a report of a man who was out drinking on his porch one evening, and he briefly caught a glimpse of two unicorns: a mother and her foal.

We also have several reports from groups of teenagers would see the occasional unicorn when they went to the outskirts of town to avoid the police and get high on drugs.

Now, all of these cases are eyewitness testimony and therefore cannot simply be debunked as speculative. These people could give an accurate description of the unicorns that they saw and I personally have no reason to discredit their testimony.

So to answer your question, we know the unicorns are still out there and hanging on, but they won't last much longer unless all of us do something to make sure they have a future on this planet, just as we have!

[What would you say to people who interject with the ‘unicorns aren’t real’ explanation?]

Such people are just stupid and/or malevolent. In almost all cases these people are employed by the deforestation industry or sympathizers of the industrial age; they have a vested, financial interest in seeing the environment destroyed. Nobody who has ever made the claim that unicorns don’t exist could ever back up their claim with proof! Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence, after all, and we would not have ANY reference in fables, myth, legend, literature, and fiction of horned horses if they did not exist!

[What then do you contest the existence of trolls, which, by the same rationale, must exist similarly to unicorns.]

There is no proof that trolls exist, and the fact that unicorns exist precludes the possibility for other creatures of myth to share the stage of reality. These people are simply misguided, and I would urge them to come to one of our seminars regarding unicorns and discover the awe and wonder of these creatures for themselves. Then, perhaps, they will realize that trolls simply do not exist. Stories of trolls and encounters with trolls are merely things of myth and legend. These are very ordinary encounters, which were misevaluated and even misrepresented to support the notion that trolls exist.

[How would you respond to the recently exposed hoaxes sightings of unicorns that were created by members of the ‘unicorns are real’ movement?]

The fact that some people are willing to cry wolf does not mean that wolves don’t exist. We have no affiliation with these people, nor have we ever fabricated a unicorn sighting. Unicorns are real enough so that we don’t have to resort to trickery and hype to sustain our cause.

[Some people have accused your organization of exploiting the gullibility and good nature of ordinary people for your own financial and political gain. Would you like to address those allegations, publically, today?]

Such base and unfounded allegations appear to me to be more if a smokescreen for the misconduct of the claimant(s). Our organization is solely funded by donations from people who believe unicorns and our cause. Unlike, for example, those organizations that believe in the existence of trolls, who use the naivety and ignorance of their followers as a financial conductor. These organizations actively prey on the few remaining coins of destitute peasants who simply need a cause and a purpose to believe in. It is very upsetting to see this and we hope to reach every stray sheep and lead them back to the truth.

[Your organization has received relentless opposition and criticism from academics and others for its ‘tell kids the truth about unicorns’ campaign. Why do you think that your adversaries are so relentless on this issue?]

These people are mostly from the sciences and in their worldview the only components of truth are the things they can torture to death in a lab and analyze through the lens of a microscope! Scientists have only observed horses and found horse skeletons, therefore they cannot accept that a certain species of horse (perhaps heretofore undetected by the ‘genius’ scientists) could exist. For them the idea of a horse with a 12-inch-long horn protruding from its forehead is unfathomable, despite the fact that they have fossils that clearly show certain prehistoric horses and donkeys actually did have hornlike protrusions on their skulls.

Science has done nothing but give us more effective ways to destroy the environment, and at the core of their ambition to destroy the environment is a deep-seated fear of and hatred for unicorns. They simply do not want to follow the wisdom and example set by these wondrous creatures, and thus forged themselves a reality filled with pollution, deforestation, chemical sprays, genetically modified food, and the like.

Our organization simply wants to allow the children of this great nation to be aware of both sides of the argument, so that they can make up their own minds as to what they believe. There is nothing dishonest or oppressive about this ambition, yet we continue to be vilified and sued by these people for simply wanting to make a contribution of extra knowledge to the education curriculum. No issue has ever been definitively resolved by the suppression of information, but such tactics have exacerbated such issues.

We simply ask those who stand in opposition to our goal, what is it about our side of the argument that you fear so much? Are you afraid you will lose your funding from the deforestation industries? Are you afraid you won’t be able to grow your deforestation teams because once children know the truth, they may not just blindly walk into the saw-mills?

I think that will have to be the last question.

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