You’ve seen bits and pieces of Census facts, and you got the general idea. Or you didn’t, because in all likelihood Zulu is your first language.
If you are reading this and English is your first language, you are one of only 5 million people. Congratulations you colonial ba*d. 'star', *, get it?
This fact might make you wonder why one in five advertisements aren’t in Zulu, but as they say in Afrikaans “Afrikaans is die derde mees populaar taal in Suid Afrika. Albeit mees in Engels. So screw julle.”
Much more importantly my fabiformed friends, you are no longer in that guilty, just awful, “10%” who receive post-matric education. You are now at the much more acceptable 12.1% mark. Which you could totally bring it up over a game of beer pong. And if you live in Gauteng, that would be even better because 18% of people have post-matric qualifications. It could be like, a bigger game of beer pong.
35% of people could not Google this to check if I was telling the truth. Not even on their Cellphones, which is the medium by which most people access the Internet. The Cellphone, however, looks to make a comeback as the most popular driving accessory of 2012.
If you described yourself by race on the Census form, you’re so 2000-and-late. A total of 280,454 people listed themselves as ‘other’ on the census form. They wanted to go by the title ‘Hipster’ but not only did most of them refuse to be labelled Hipster, it also turned out the racial classification ‘other’ actually had pre-historic roots, and thus was more vintage than ‘Hipster’.
These ‘others’ are probably the same people who own a television but not a fridge. TV’s that are so vintage they still receive M-Net opentime. Everything they own is cool anyway, so why bother with a fridge?
This is probably a corollary to the fact that more houses have electricity than piped water. But, again, who needs water when you have the Bold and the Beautiful looking so very bold and beautiful and moist?
When looking for a whiny, gullible, loud, helpless- looking horde to create into a zombie army, the FFP (Freedom Faux-pas) should stop looking at white people. There are now more children under the age of four than there are white people. Soon, scientists from around the world will begin moving here to learn the fecund ways of our people, also known as the ‘Hornyctolagus cunningculus’ after our close relatives, Oryctolagus cuniculus, also known as the domestic rabbit.
As a side point, this may also explain why you never see our president kissing babies. Not only does he have approximately 20 children and a fluctuating number of wives to kiss every night, but it would be easier to kiss all the white people than to kiss all the babies in this country. There are triple the amount of orphans than there are Asians and Indians. This fact has no comparative value.
In the end, the simplified version of the census runs as follows: If you’re a black woman, you earn less not only because you’re black, but because you’re a woman.
If you didn’t quite catch that, it will be repeated at nauseam until the next census, when we will relearn this essential inequality, accuse each other of racism, misogyny and classism and then wait until the next census, after which we will accuse each other of racism… and so forth. It’s ad nauseam because these arguments spin round and round until we throw up, and no one ever bothers to get off the ride and clean off the poor black woman who has now got sick all over her work clothes.
But hey, as a nation we have a heck of a lot of children. We like merry-go-rounds.
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