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R.Phiri
 
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The Colour of Crime

19 July 2012, 15:37

Warning the following article may offend sensitive readers – But this is South Africa, so screw your sensitivity.

JZ: Greetings, I have summoned you all to this meeting in order to discuss issues exacerbating the level of crime in this country. We as members of parliament should serve as catalysts for change, I will spear head this meeting by asking members which race is to blame for the level of crime in this country?


Boeremag leader: Ha ha ha you said spear, kyk hier Zumatjie the KKKs
are to blame!


JZ: By KKKs you are referring to the Ku Klux Klan? What the hell would a secret society of white Southerners from the United States want in South Africa; there are no African Americans here, except for MR Mbalula.


Boeremag leader: By KKKs I was referring to three K’s and not the Ku Klux Klan boet.


JZ: Big Mac! Get me my machine, this little right wing hippie here needs to say “hello to my little friend”!!!


Big Mac: Here it is Sir.


JZ: Mac! Mackie! Why are you bringing me a portrait of my penis?


Big Mac: But sir you strictly said your little friend


JZ: Listen here arms deal buddy! I will reshuffle you to Bolly Wood! Minister Mthethwa which race would you say is responsible for the level of crime in the country?


Minister Mthethwa: Looking at SAPS’s latest crime statistics it’s mostly blacks and whites.


JZ: Comrade we cannot rule out Indians and Coloureds, that’s discrimination bordering around racism.


Minister Mthethwa: The only offence committed by Indians is their bad accents, crappy Bolly Wood movies and the occasional acts of fraud - no offence Big Mac. As for the gingivitis race it’s usually gangsterism and alcoholism – De Lille is probably toothless and drunk some where in Lavender Hill or Hanover Park. But SAPS’s latest crime statistics fail to narrow down or pint point which race should be held accountable for the level of crime in the country, but as I stated earlier on it’s mostly blacks and whites who are the main contributors.


JZ: So we have no choice but to kill blacks and whites... they make me seem incompetent as a leader, under the scrutiny of the international microscope.


Minister Mthethwa: I’m afraid we can not kill blacks; the 2014 elections are around the corner. We need their easily fickle minds to win the upcoming elections. Shooting them is the same as shooting ourselves in the foot. As for whites...well... we would probably lose international investors if we killed them, since investors have lost faith in most black business men and government officials; due to their rampant involvement in corruption. But we need to assign the blame on somebody, if not! fingers will point back to us as government.


Big Mac: We can blame Juju


JZ: No! His been used enough already...you can’t recycle a used condom. The Church Of Scientology: Our famous and some what gayest devotee Tom Cruise has telekinetic and telepathic powers! We could use him for future answers as to how we can curb the escalating rate of violence.


Minister Mthethwa: Telekinetic and telepathic powers! Hahaha I could’ve sworn I saw a unicorn. But Tom failed to use his tele-pathetic powers to see Kate’s divorce coming...Hahaha what happened? Was it Vision Impossible! Don’t come here with your scientology hippie shenanigans...go rape little scientology boys or something.


 The Church Of Scientology: How dare you make a mockery of the super awesome Cruise! Clearly you haven’t seen Mission Impossible, the man does his own stunts! While you butth0les deploy a fat, little, teletubby look alike and now ex politician, to do your corruption.


JZ: Shut up hippies, you guys are a pain in the ass like gay sex. Minister Mthethwa we really need to hold somebody accountable for the crime rate. I ordered Basic Education minister Angie Motshekga to dumped and burn several school text books in Limpopo, in order for Premier Cassel Mathale to look incompetent and take the fall for the
text book saga...that plan went well.


Minister Mthethwa: What are you trying to say...are you suggesting that we burn several school text books and put the blame on a specific race?


JZ: No! You idiot! You on the right track but on the wrong train. Basically we need to think along those lines. We can’t necessarily blame the crime rate on black people; even though they are the main contributors, if they entire black race is incarcerated for the crimes, we may just see an old white lady leading the country. On the other hand we can’t blame whites too; we know that, that old white lady will jump at the opportunity to cry racism...and why isn’t there any tea at this meeting?


Minister Mthethwa: Our tea lady Mazibuko is on her periods Sir and she’s on a diet; in preparation for the London 2012 Paralympics. The chances of her accomplishing that diet are slim...Hahaha slim...That’s like coloured Capetonians being vampires in the Twilight movie.


JZ: We need to establish a task team to find solutions for this rubix cube of a problem.


Minister Mthethwa: Already did Sir...the task team consists of Popeye, Batman, Spiderman, the Fantastic Four and the Avengers.


JZ: But these are all white super heroes and we all know that whites are only brave in movies, in reality they just a group of
invertebrates, cocooned behind the safety of their high security walls. Minister what happened to the black super heroes?


Minister Mthethwa: Well Sir...we don’t get black super heroes...except for Juju, the economic freedom fighter.


JZ: Ok! get that butthole a cape and some tight Wolverine leather pants...and a brain well you at it.


Minister Mthethwa: Sir we don’t have enough funds to pay for a super hero suit of such mammoth proportions.


JZ: Oh trust me Minister we do have enough funds, Big Mac! bring out the Taxpayer Piggy bank. Minister you and your butthole task team have 48hrs to find a race within the South African community, which we can hold accountable for the country’s crime rate.

48 Hours Later


Minister Mthethwa: Sir we have reached consensus on the matter, hopefully with this idea our rubix cube can be solved.


JZ: So what’s the verdict?


Minister Mthethwa: Since we can’t blame Blacks, Whites, Indians, Coloureds, Tom Cruise and his tele-pathetic powers...we decided to blame a group of people who have been under the radar for quite some time now. These individuals are immune to scrutiny and they also
possess immunity from being held accountable for the country’s problems...as powerful as they may seem..they do have one weakness...and that’s the sun.


 JZ: Who are these people? Have they ever voted for me? Do they contribute to my piggy bank by paying taxes? Do they have females I can marry?


Minister Mthethwa:  I’m not sure, but there’s one thing I can assure you is that they are the key to unlocking solutions for our problems. We can blame the crime rate on Albinos!


JZ: Albinos?


Minister Mthethwa:  Yes! Albinos! They look White but sound Black...so if we blame it on them we won’t come off as racist, plus we won’t risk losing black voters to imprisonment.


JZ: Perfect plan Minister! Trevor Noah won’t know what hit his people...Hahaha...how’s my evil laugh?


Minister Mthethwa: Trevor Noah is not Albino Sir...His half Swiss and half poverty...I mean black.


JZ: Who cares! Add him to the list, he made fun of me in his Day Walker comic DVD and add R.Phiri as well! His also another pain in the ass like gay sex.


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