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The Cyril Interview

11 June 2013, 15:01

‘Good evening! This is Jock Strap from OchAyeWutness News, and today ma guest is Mr. Cyril Ramaphosa, the Deputy President of Sooth Africa. Mr. Ramaphosa, thank ye for agreein’ tae come on t’ OchAyeWutness News. O’ course, we in Scotland are dead keen t’ hear your views on political matters in Sooth Africa. First off, d’ye mind giving us a wee bit o’ background, like where ye come from politically, and so on.’

Cyril smiles and nods towards the camera. He is obviously an old hand at this sort of thing. ‘As you are probably aware, I was involved with the Trade Union movement in South Africa in the dark days of Apartheid, which is still ruining our country, even today.’ Jock nods encouragingly. ‘And after Nelson Mandela was released from jail, Roelf Jacobs and I drafted the current Constitution which, as you know, is the most liberal in the world.’

‘And what has happened tae Mr. Jacobs?’

‘He retired from politics afterwards. With a new dispensation in place, I do not think he felt comfortable, with his background as an Apartheid politician. You see, the problem with whites in South Africa, is they whine about everything. And because he helped to draft the Constitution, he would have whined even more, being in a position of power.’

Jock leans forward. ‘What de ye mean exactly, when ye say white Sooth Africans whine? Could tha’ no’ be considered racist?’

Cyril laughs, a warm, friendly laugh. ‘No, no, no! Blacks cannot be racist you see!’ He leans forward and pats Jock on his knee. ‘But don’t worry, people often make that mistake.’

‘Whites think it is easy to govern South Africa, but I can tell you it’s not. That’s why I stayed out of politics so long and became a billionaire instead. But then our revered President, Jacob Zuma, showed me that I could make even more billions as a Deputy President, and I accepted.’

‘There’s a lot o’ talk aboot N-scandle-a, the President’s residence, and that the taxpayers are bein’ burdened with the president’s private hoose. Is that correct?’

Cyril laughs again, a warm, dismissive laugh. He shakes his head. ‘People have it wrong again. President Zuma pays rent for that property!’

‘And hoo much does he pay?’

‘I’m not really party to that information. You would have to ask the President himself.’

‘I read a report in one o’ your newspapers tha’ it’s R800.00 a month; aboot £50.00. Is tha’ true?’

Cyril shakes his head again. ‘You would have to ask the President about that yourself.’ He leans forward. ‘But you see what I mean about the whites whining? That is his home! He is the President; why should he pay rent at all? Does David Cameron pay rent on No. 10 Downing Street? Does President Obama pay rent at the White House? This is nonsense, and a typical sign of white dissatisfaction with a black Government.’

‘We build them beautiful highways, and when we want to charge them a toll to use it, they whine. We supply them with world-class medical and educational infrastructures, but when they decide to go to private institutions, they whine. Instead of helping us build a just and democratic society where the ANC rules every province and city, they whine and vote for the DA (that’s the official Opposition party) and then complain when we don’t deliver basic services.’

‘They whine about the state of the roads and the many potholes, but instead of repairing the potholes, which would be the pro-active thing to do, they whine. They complain about crime, but forget that our high crime rate has substantially lowered the rate of unemployment by creating a whole new business sector.’

‘They whine about the exchange rate, but forget how popular it makes South Africa as a holiday destination. They complain about the arrogance of the visitors to South Africa who think that they deserve special treatment because they are paying with Dollars or Pounds. But then they whine when these people are attacked by criminals. They never stop whining!’

‘But Mr. Ramaphosa, isn’t it true that the black people in your country are stagin’ service delivery protests all the time?’

Cyril waves an admonishing finger. ‘This is exactly what I’m talking about! Who do you think put these people up to these things? The whites! Because they want Apartheid back, and want to send our country back into the dark ages.’

‘So ye’re sayin’ these protests are no’ legitimate, then?’

‘Absolutely not! The people love us, because we come from the people. The people voted for us, Nelson Mandela’s party, because they knew we would offer a better life for all. Anyone who joins the ANC is promised even more!’

Jock nods in understanding. ‘Thank you so much for your time, Mr. Ramaphosa, and it’s a pleasure havin’ you in oor studio.’

‘What can I say? It was a pleasure, and I had to oversee my business interests in Europe.’

‘Well, that’s all from OchAyeWutness news: Jock Strap signing off.’

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