In order to answer this question I had to commit a series of heinous crimes to get an exclusive Interview with the devil. My crimes were committed in the United States, where the death penalty is still effective. Once apprehended, my atrocious actions earned me a one way ticket to hell, instead of a boxed life behind a 4x4 prison cell...so my rear end is still intact.
I sense a collective burning question brewing amongst the reader, as to how hell looks or feels like? Well In a nutshell...In terms of looks, hell is synonymous to parliament; a place filled with bitter, self centred people, who refuse to accept any accountability for their actions. Apparently they all are awaiting trial to prove their innocence, before hell freezes over. In regards to how hell feels like?...Well the feeling is strange...taboo...more like a threesome with Whoopi Goldberg and suspended Julius, in his purple suit looking like a fat bun overdosed on yeast. Now getting back to the main question as to why the devil is unemployed? Ladies and Gentlemen brace yourselves...transsexuals breast yourselves, for this is an epic interview that dwells deep down (hell’s basement to be precise) to uncover the source of the devil’s unemployment. The quest for answers begins with the following question?
R.Phiri: Satan or should I call you Devil or do you prefer Lucifer or President? ...What can you attribute your unemployment to?
Devil: Well my life of hell started when humanity came into existence and all hell broke loose when politicians plunged in to the gene pool. You earthlings really love screwing people over...you should all be castrated...by the way can you edit the screwing over part.
R.Phiri: Don’t worry about obscenities; a number of us South Africans are illiterate. So basically humanity is to blame for your unemployment?
Devil: Most of your politicians hardly have Matric in any case...so I guess I should make my tongue a Disney land for obscenities. Since the dawning of time it was my job to accept accountability for man’s sins. For example despicable acts of homosexuality, murder, rape and other atrocities were blamed on me, it was my duty to cushion humanity’s fall into a dark abyss, an abyss you humans call hell. As time elapsed mankind became more innovative in shifting the blame, now your flaws solely lie on apartheid, one’s upbringing, money, lust, insanity and sickness; informally known as shaiktitis. Now that the following factors have acquired my position, I am living a life of hell.
R.Phiri: What other line of work do you think that you would be suitable at?
Devil: Well besides being a complete d!ck...I can see myself as a prison warden, because my role here in hell is exactly that. These days’ people hardly end up in hell for their crimes; instead they get exonerated and end up in parliament or on a golf course boxing journalists. So far Colonel Gaddafi is the last person to enter hell.
R.Phiri: Have you ever considered a job in parliament?
Devil: Not really, in any case I wouldn’t fit in...especially with these horns.
R.Phiri: Trust me there are a lot of people with horns in parliament…some are very horny.
Devil: But what qualifications do I need?
R.Phiri: Satan you contradicting yourself with this question, like you said most of our politicians don’t even have Matric. You already a total d!ck, plus you heartless and only think about yourself…hell! You are more than qualified! And you have a visible horn…that’s an added bonus.
Devil: So I basically get paid huge amounts of money just for being the Devil that I am?
R.Phiri: Exactly! Try not to be nice and honest…you might end up losing your job.
Devil: But how does government get away with corruption that is committed in broad day light?
R.Phiri: Our government has made provision for corruption in our constitution. Plus they have the Info Bill to castrate any d!ck from the media who wants to screw with you…rape is history now.
Devil: But I need a member of government to show me the ropes.
R.Phiri: The moment you commence work in parliament you will be given the Shaiktitis manuscript to guide and keep you on track. If you need a more practical experience on corruption, there a several members in parliament who are more than willing to lend a helping hand. If at any point you feel guilty of your actions…well than they will give you a shower head to wash your sins away. Pack your backs Satan we going to South Africa.
Devil: Hell no! I’m not going to hell again…I will rather stay here and be a migrant worker.
R.Phiri: Satan it was nice meeting you, but I have to go and do another interview with Jesus on how he turned water into wine.
R.Phiri: I’m planning a pool party.
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