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R.Phiri
 
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The Dictator who cried fowl

08 December 2011, 14:00

Robert Mugabe: Thank you all for coming, as you have heard Nando’s SA has decided to no longer flight the "Last Dictator Standing" TV commercial. In celebration of the decision, let us wine and dine to a lovely KFC family feast.

 

Representative to oust President Laurent Gbagbo:  Evening, I am here on behalf of MR Gbagbo who unfortunately couldn’t make it to this dinner party, due to unforeseen circumstances. He sends his apology and has requested for his KFC doggy bag to be delivered at The Hague.

 

Robert Mugabe: Does he need Vaseline with that order? Just kidding, I will make the necessary arrangements to deliver the meal.

 

Representative to former police commissioner Jack Selebi: Salutation, make that two doggy bags and one tub of Vaseline; Selebi is in dire need of the two.

 

Robert Mugabe: Chicken is bad for patients with Shaik-titis; it will prove damaging to the credibility of the disease; if Selebi is seen fit enough to indulge in a family feast. But it is mandatory that we get him the best Vaseline product on the market.

 

Juju: Evening comrades, I trust there are no bloody agents at this dinner party. What is on the agenda tonight?

 

Robert Mugabe: Aah! Julius welcome, sit down. Why aren’t you wearing your purple suit? Did Barney the dragon eventually win that defamation law suit against you?  I see you brought your friend Floyd Shivambu with...take a set young man. How you?

 

Floyd Shivambu: F*ck, F@ck, F%ck!!!

 

Robert Mugabe: Julius does your friend have a speech impediment? ... Is he retarded or does he normally speak this way? 

 

Juju: He normally speaks like this, but recently he started attending speech therapy classes.  His finding it difficult to come to terms with his disability.  Doctors say his fowl mouth stems from stupidity, rather than a case of Tourette's syndrome.

 

Alqaeda: Dude that disability blows!

 

Robert Mugabe: Alqaeda you a fine one to talk, you have been blowing people around the world for quite sometime now. Why do you like blowing Americans? Are you still confused about your sexuality? It’s ok to blow men, except if you in my country or Nigeria. So how’s Bin Ladden’s life as a Merman? What made you guys hate Americans so much?

 

Alqaeda: Well dude it all started when the United States under the administration of President George W. Bush rejected our friend request on Face Book.  We tried Inviting queen Elizabeth too, but former Prime Minister Tony Blair also rejected our request. So we took it upon ourselves to bomb their World Trade Centre fan page with negative comments and dislikes. We irritated Americans by continuously poking them. If that wasn’t bad enough, we uploaded videos and pictures of Bin Ladden onto their fan page…the move threatened their security and that of their coalition and regional allies who joined their fan page. When are you going to accept our friend request dude?

 

Robert Mugabe: Why didn’t you idiots join Twitter to gain more followers?

 

Alqaeda:  Jack Dorsey and his administration rejected our account.

 

 

Robert Mugabe: I have enough friends; I can’t accept your friendship request.

 

Alqaeda:  Who are your friends? Gaddafi is dead, Saddam is dead, Idi Amin is dead, and most of your friends who are alive are either at The Hague, In the process of dying or being overthrown. As for the ones who have passed away, they probably finding it hard to tweet or face book, since there is zero network reception in Hell.  

 

Robert Mugabe: Can someone prepare Alqaeda’s doggy bag so that they can leave. They really are starting to Blow this conversation out of proportion. Hey look everybody Aids is also here...come in Aids. 

Aids: You know I never miss a party and Zimbabwe is practically my other home. How’s your wife Grace doing?

 

Robert Mugabe: Unless I am Gideon Gono, I wouldn’t know.

 

Aids: Not to be sarcastic but he is the head of the country's central bank after all. Perhaps that’s why she’s invested a lot of interest in him. But in any case that’s old news, plus you have your country to screw so you don’t necessarily need a wife.

 

Robert Mugabe: Aids you seriously starting to make me sick! Although you have influenced the lives of many Africans with fear, you should realize by now that I am the big bad wolf. This fairy tale that humanity calls life has no happy ending, I am the author and I dictate the chapters to come.  Can I get some dramatic music in the background…to reinforce my speech? ….. Why the hell we are playing “girls rule the world” by Beyonce! And who let the media in? I don’t remember inviting South African media to my dinner party.

 

SA Government: Don’t worry we have them under control; we have a Bill that serves as a mute button. Just watch….Uhm SA media have we been bad this year?

 

SA Media: Censored, censored, censored.

 

SA Government: Hmmm SA Media you seem to be as silent as the night. Let’s try it again…Do you think that we are all a bunch of incompetent, corrupt officials? Speak Media… after all we have made provision for your right to freedom of speech in the constitution.

 

SA Media: Censored, censored, censored.

 

Robert Mugabe: Quite impressive SA Government…quite impressive indeed.

 

SA Government: We are also in the process of teaching these watch dogs how to play dead, roll over and fetch.

 

Robert Mugabe: Make sure to shorten their leash, granting them freedom, will lead them astray, and inevitably turning them into wild dogs that none of us can control…they will start biting back. Any way why didn’t you Invite Arms Deal to my dinner party?

 

SA Government: He has no table manners so we keep him away from events such as this one to avoid any embarrassment. But we can’t keep this secret for ever, the  pressure of public interest is mounting...sooner or later our embarrassment is inevitable.

 

Robert Mugabe: I know Arms Deal is your baby, but you need to kill him before anyone finds out...you wouldn’t be in this predicament if you kept his birth a secret from day one.

 

Mogadishu: Hey guys, what’s going on?

Robert Mugabe: Mogadishu you seem like a man in dire need of a family feast. Why you so bend out of shape.

 

Mogadishu: Things are not so good at home dude, our house is riddled with violence, plus I’m being abused on a daily basis. Plus a group of corrupt juveniles who call themselves Al Shabaab have caused considerable damage to our property, it no longer looks like home...can I please have extra chicken to share with my siblings, we haven’t eaten for quite some time.

 

Robert Mugabe: Hey! This is a dinner party not a damn feeding scheme! Do I look like Santa Claus to you? Do I look like a person who goes around riding reindeers and dishing out gifts to people, when I can keep those very same gifts for myself.

 

Mogadishu: God bless you Sir...maybe one day hell will bless you with a heart too.

 

Robert Mugabe: Actually he did, I have been blessed with the land of white farmers...and people thought God was racist...he also works miracles for black people. Can I get an Amen for land reform!

 

Global Warming: I’m a bit hot under the collar can someone please turn on the air conditioner. I also feel as if I am coming down with the flu.

 

Robert Mugabe: First you hot than you cold, you probably on your periods or something...nothing hectic. You should probably try those new Kyoto sanitary pads, experts say they help with mood swings and regulating your body temperature accordingly during your periods.

 

Global Warming: But other females say Kyoto sanitary pads are only beneficial for a certain group of women? Canadian and American women want nothing to do with these pads...You know it’s so ironic that you know a lot about women, but your marriage is in tatters.

 

Robert Mugabe: This topic should come to an end period! We at the dinner table and I want to enjoy my family feast in piece. God! I should’ve just made this a dinner for one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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