PLEASE NOTE:

MyNews24 is a user-generated section of News24.com. The stories here come from users.

 
GonzoMike
 
Comments: 5
Article views: 1
 
 
Latest Badges:



 
View all GonzoMike's badges.
 

This article has been selected as an Editor’s Choice report. Articles are selected based on quality of writing, audience response, newsworthiness and originality, and is at the discretion of the MyNews24 editors.

The End Is Nigh

13 June 2012, 19:01

If the world has pissed on your boerewors roll and your existence is a quagmire of self-loathing and bitterness, fear not, you poor victimized thing, your eternal relief from this twisted scrap-pile of a planet is right around the corner.

Chuck Palanhiuk, the author of Fight Club, most succinctly wrote, “On a long enough timeline. The survival rate for everyone drops to zero.” If that doesn’t warm your dark, misunderstood soul, then let me let me comfort you by saying that as a South African, the time frame is narrower than most.

South Africans need not depend on the swift mercy of a Mayan Apocalypse or global warming to frazzle our non-existent vegetable patches, no, our own brand of Euthanasia is self induced are far more readily accessible. You’re more likely to die of heart disease or other obesity related conditions than global catastrophe.

Take solace, my suicidal countrymen, if your nutritional consumption mirrors that of the average South African, your woes and suffering will soon be at an end. In fact, based on the figures published by the CIA World Factbook (2011) you can expect to live a mere 49.3 swift years.

I realize that these figures are skewed by such things as Aids and poverty, but these are not the people with problems here are they? No, my friend, you are.

GlaxoSmithKiline, one of those evil pharmaceutical companies intent on making money by convincing people that they should take drugs  in order to be healthy (What’s that I hear you all squeal? Give us drugs to take away the pain not prolong it?), conducted a study showing that 61% of South Africans are overweight.

We jam food and drink down our gullets at a rate so impressive, you wouldn’t be able to top it if you liquidized it, stuck it in an IV bag and jammed the needle right into your throbbing jugular vein. Well done, you gorgeous gluttons you! Well done indeed! We certainly have the edge on the competition.

So feed, my pretty little piglets, feed! Gorge yourself on the sweet milk that your nurturing mother of junk food culture so lovingly provides and dull the numb ache of your existence.

Leave the earth to the happy wanderers content to smile through the hard times and look on the bright side of this rotting cesspool of an existence. Damn them! They don’t know how hard it is to be you. They don’t care about your nihilistic struggle.

But I do. I care. I am your friend.

Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.

 

24.com publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
5 comments
Comments have been closed for this article.

Read more from our Users

Submitted by
Kdoggy dog
Transformation is like a plant

Transformation is at the heart of South African Sport. Its just like a hemorrhoid, this issue just won't go away,even if you wish it.  Read more...

0 comments 31 views
Community development forum in Kr...

I have been asking myself if we are really free. We are living in a democratic system under the status quo of the apartheid. That in a nutshell means we are not free. Read more...

0 comments 4 views
Submitted by
Adv Sphamandla Blose
What are we really commemorating?...

South African government is busy spending so much hosting huge events commemorating being Free, are we really free? Read more...

0 comments 7 views
Submitted by
Thomas Kolathu
(Free)dom

A single word can be used to describe the youth of South Africa currently. Read more...

0 comments 11 views
Submitted by
Grant Abbott
Freedom Day for who?

What kind of freedom is it if you still live in a shack, or have to beg for food? What good is the freedom to vote if you still feel like a refugee in your own country?  Read more...

0 comments 502 views
Submitted by
Steven Benjamin
Springbok Transformation

To the untrained eye it seems like a simple issue. Maybe it is and we’ve just complicated it by our love for drama. Whatever it is, where will the Springboks be when race is no longer an issue? Read more...

0 comments 944 views
 

services

E-mail Alerts The latest headlines in your inbox

RSS feeds News delivered really simply.

Mobile News24 on your mobile or PDA

E-mail Newsletters You choose what you want

News24 on Android Get the latest from News24 on your Android device.

SMS Alerts Get breaking news stories via SMS.

TV Get us in your home, on your television.

 
Interactive Advertising Bureau
 
© 2016 24.com. All rights reserved.
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.
 
English
Afrikaans
isiZulu

Hello 

Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.


Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire 24.com network.

Settings

Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.




Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.