PLEASE NOTE:

MyNews24 is a user-generated section of News24.com. The stories here come from users.

 
Irukandji
 
Comments: 13
Article views: 0
 
 
Latest Badges:



 
View all Irukandji's badges.
 

This article has been selected as an Editor’s Choice report. Articles are selected based on quality of writing, audience response, newsworthiness and originality, and is at the discretion of the MyNews24 editors.

The Haunted Chair

04 August 2012, 11:33
For those who are sceptical of the paranormal and supernatural; this is for you, the true story of a haunted chair.

You must have seen them: the modern snake-oil peddlers at the shopping malls. Everything – from dream holidays, to sports utility vehicles, to vitamin creams – is on sale. The salespeople are usually young, nice looking, and full of artificial friendliness and fake smiles.

Luckily, the wife and I are streetwise and hardly ever fall for their cons.

This happened three weeks ago at the mall:

“Sir, this Nissan Bundu Basher MkXI will take you to those far-off places that no one has ever seen before,” the sales chappie with insincere smile tells me.

“Ma’am, if you use our Night Miracle Cream, your wrinkles, sagging breasts, and grey hair will be a thing of the past. But that’s not all! Your figure and libido shall be restored. You will look like a twenty-year-old beauty queen within three weeks, or your money back,” beams the girl with the pink hair at my wife.

So I decide to buy two canisters of the Cream – reasoning that with the wife all rejuvenated, revitalised, and recharged, and all and all – who needs the Nissan for those far-off places? Streetwise, right?  

At another time, a young chap – looking decidedly *light on his feet – approached me in the mall. “You’ve simply got to try this. It’s just to die for, dahling,” he lisps, while producing a fancy little bottle with a rubber bulb attached to it. Before I could recover, he sprayed a mist, consisting of millions of sex-starved pheromones onto my jacket. Well, I tell you! The stuff actually worked! For the rest of that day I had to fight off hoards of his friends who tried to kiss me. Bliksem. Was I glad when the stuff finally wore off!  

And then, last week at the mall, I had a terrible experience. Picture this:

There’s was **guy standing next to an enormous black leather chair. There were wires, and screens, and posters, and stuff, all over the place. I tried to navigate my way around this maze, but this guy was good – even better that other unspeakable gay guy with the pheromones. Quick as a flash he pushed me down in the chair and pressed the “power on” button.

Good grief! The Horror! The evil chair came alive! First, the whole frame started to vibrate like an old Dakota about to take off. It grabbed me by the scruff of my neck and showered me with love bites while massaging my calves. It licked my lower spine and ribcage. It pummelled my sacroiliac and various other unmentionable parts of my anatomy.

Forbidden scenes of Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Communism, flashed through my mind. I was helplessly in love!

Then, I kid you not – just before I blacked out – the haunted chair ***goosed my bottom. I nearly died from embarrassment!

Luckily, the evil contraption was controlled by an electronic timer and I managed to escape just moments after it was switched off. I needed a cigarette.

So now you have been warned. Evil lurks where you least expect it – be on your guard. That’s all I’m saying.

*light on his feet – don’t worry, I shall never be calling anyone a “moffie” after the negative comments from some gay people, on a previous article of mine

**guy – not a moffie

***to goose – from Ye Olde English, meaning: “to pinch someone's buttocks, hopefully of the opposite sex”

Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.

 

24.com publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
13 comments
Comments have been closed for this article.

Read more from our Users

Submitted by
Sinawo Bukani
15 Quotes That Make This Book A '...

I have shied away from writing a full review for Sheryl Sandberg’s book because I fear I will just dilute these fundamental truths and weaken them for you. So instead I opted to share 15 of my favourite and most inspiring quotes in the book. Read more...

0 comments 671 views
Submitted by
Gayle Goddard
Salute

Praise the women who make sure that they put food on the table for their families no matter how bad the situation is. Read more...

0 comments 179 views
Submitted by
Thandisizwe Mgudlwa
African Education Sector A Pillar...

It is highly important for the African continent to follow up on new initiatives aimed at bettering the lives of the people. Read more...

0 comments 125 views
Submitted by
Nico Barkhuizen
Sugar Tax

What about the rest of us who take care of our bodies through healthy diets and exercise? Why must we be tainted by the same brush as obese people? Read more...

0 comments 946 views
Submitted by
Larry
ANC Askari and Impi

The elephant in the room, which the ANC is unable to make mention of, is rather in the form of an 'impi'.  Read more...

0 comments 447 views
Submitted by
Reginald Kgwedi
Who designs our public transport ...

When you love the environment, it is likely that you are a fan of public transport, walking, cycling etc. But in most instances you are challenged with the difficulties of using these modes of transport.  Read more...

0 comments 515 views
 

services

E-mail Alerts The latest headlines in your inbox

RSS feeds News delivered really simply.

Mobile News24 on your mobile or PDA

E-mail Newsletters You choose what you want

News24 on Android Get the latest from News24 on your Android device.

SMS Alerts Get breaking news stories via SMS.

TV Get us in your home, on your television.

 
Interactive Advertising Bureau
 
© 2016 24.com. All rights reserved.
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.
 
English
Afrikaans
isiZulu

Hello 

Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.


Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire 24.com network.

Settings

Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.




Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.