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The Internet: Pure Filth

26 June 2012, 12:10

So, Esteemed Internet Strangers, we are gathered here once more to discuss the finer points of this peculiar existence. Prepare yourselves, Readers, for a dangerously extended metaphor; an analogy stretched so far that, like your brittle, overwhelmed minds, it is about to snap! Read on, Disillusioned Web-o-nauts, as we plunge once more into the dank, smelly realms of the human condition: here there be monsters!  

While sailing this sweeping chasm of brain-rot and semi-digested chunks of sardine heads that we call the internet, I occasionally come across a poor soul that has slipped from the bow of sanity and reason and is slowly drowning in this toxic deluge of infectious information. If you are such an unfortunate traveler, allow me to extend my hand and hoist you aboard my tiny wooden boat. Let me wrap you in a blanket of comforting words and for a few minutes, before I toss you back into the filth and muck, know that you are safe here with me.

You must understand, Seasick Sailors, this liquid wasteland you see sprawled out before you beneath these troublesome storm clouds is not real. Blasphemy! Madness! Alas it is true. By tugging at this strange chord that dangles before me from no apparent source, watch as this virtual construct drops away like the set of a primary school stage production!

Do not fear, Good People, the bright lights and astounding colours that now dance across your screen-burnt retina are what we call Direct Experience aka “Reality”. It is a little understood phenomenon, with very few rules, if any, and unfortunately, it does not obey the programming of internet (or other) ideology. This is the nature of our chaotic universe, Exhausted Drifter, but fear not, with a snap of my fingers, I have returned you to the safety of your neatly ordered worldview and virtual existence.

Adrift once more on this rickety vessel together, it is an easy mistake to make to think that the potentially life-altering experience we have just undergone has bonded the two of us in ways that would be impossible in “real-life”. This simply is not so, I’m afraid. I have lured you onto my boat under false pretences and now, I must ask that you return my blanket. Please, do not think of me as a cruel individual, as I tip you out into the cold, fetid waters once more to fend for yourself against the noxious tide, for I am not cruel. I am a trickster; not a sadist. A jester; not a devil.

Farewell, friend! As my boat disappears against the putrid horizon, understand that I act out of love. I do hope that you take heed of the obscure moral contained within this whimsical flight of fancy: please, do not exhaust yourself floundering about in that swampy stuff when the dangly chord is so very near at hand.

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