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The Patriotic Alliance

02 December 2013, 18:41

Every now and then I spot a news story that makes me feel like we are all victims of some sort of bizarre joke; a Leon Schuster set-up on a grand scale. I felt that way again on  Sunday, when I opened the papers and saw that Kenny Kunene was starting his own political party; the Patriotic Alliance.

Yup. That would be convicted fraudster Kenny Kunene. He was not, however, working alone. At his side was Gayton Mckenzie. Convicted bank robber Gayton Mkenzie. And Roland Olince. Leader of the Hard Livings gang Roland Olince. The list goes on. There was the mother of the child of the ex-leader of the 28’s prison gang, the daughter of the leader of the 27’s, and on and on and on. They’ve just been joined by Rashied Staggie, who has just been paroled from prison after serving a sentence for ordering the gang rape of a 17 year old girl. Charming.

The mind boggles. Can you imagine what it would be like if they won? Members of parliament would need to be strip searched on a daily basis to check for prison shanks and zip guns. Opposition parties would stop attending parliamentary debates for fear of drive-by shootings. The new party’s manifesto of non-racism and non-sexism could be printed onto the bodies of naked models, who could parade around parliament spreading the good word until their services were required for the serving up of lunch.

On the plus side, the e-tolls could be paid off by selling tik from a bicycle shed behind the Union Buildings, and the collection of taxes would become far more efficient once the Cape-Flats gangsters became involved in collecting them. Just one visit from a pair of men with no front teeth and facial tattoos, and people would start paying double what they owe. Just in case.

Luckily, it would never happen. Can you imagine what it would be like to be led by a bunch of crooks? The president would act like the nation’s taxes were his own private piggy-bank. Huge government tenders would be awarded to unqualified but well-connected companies. Ministers would channel vast sums of taxpayers’ money to their married lovers.

Government credit cards would be used to buy unauthorised artworks and obscene amounts of takeaways. Parliamentarians would fiddle their travel allowances with no real consequences. High ranking police officials would tip off their colleagues who were under investigation for corruption. Family mem…. Oh.

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