I know most of you think we live in paradise down South, but after Saturday’s game it has become a living hell. I have had a T-shirt printed with a picture of Steve Walsh and the motif ‘Never forget’ underneath. Mini-me has one too.
What most people don’t know is that sharks are not the only thing upset us. In fact it is not so easy living in the Paris of Africa, and if truth be told there is more than one irritant that makes our lives miserable. . .
Take whales. Every August these giant pests holiday in False Bay, and those of us blessed with a sea view have to endure their horrible burping throughout the night. It sounds like a raspy didgeridoo gone wrong and on a still night can be as disruptive as a car alarm. It is a little known fact that False Bay used to have a whaling station and fisherman would bravely catch them using hand-held harpoons. I believe there could be an eco-tourism opportunity here if the Department of Sea Fisheries were to allow permits, for say five whales a year. The trek fisherman could pull them in off Muizenberg and as long as it is controlled there could be many cottage industry spin-offs in the form of candles, soap and steaks.
Hot on the tail of whales are baboons. These vile, dirty creatures cause untold havoc as they terrorise rate-payers and reduce our property values. American experts have studied them and can conclude that extermination is the only option. Trust me, these baboons are beyond redemption and the next thing we known they will want squatters rights.There could be another eco-tourism venture here if we think out of the box.
The dreaded South Easter. I notice that Jo’burg gets beautiful brown smoggy sunsets, and frankly, I am jealous. We don’t get these because the notorious Cape Doctor blows clean air off the sea everyday. Healthy living has its price because all we get is boring ocean sunsets. Everyday.
Tourists really, really annoy us. Because everyone is so obsessed with visiting Cape Town and its friendly people, we get an influx of visitors like you won’t believe and for 30 days each year we have to share our beaches. Durban and Pretoria are so lucky they were not chosen as one of the Top Ten Cities in the World as it is not easy being in the spotlight all the time. (Strangely, I have noticed Natalians abroad pretending they were from Cape Town, probably just to experience the feeling of being admired.)
Seating space. Newlands can get so cramped when you have 50,000 people in the stadium each week. I have noticed on the telly that Loftus and Sharks fans always get a whole row to themselves. The Lions supporters are even luckier, they get an entire stand.
(On the upside we will save on brasso and silvo this year.)
Immigrants. Because the whole of South Africa is desperate to live in paradise, everyone is trying to semigrate here. This means that we have to put up with Transvaalers, and even worse, Natalians on a daily basis. We do our best to welcome them with our famous Cape hospitality, but to be quite candid, after five minutes with a Gautenger I am reminded why we booted you out 1835. An here I am thinking the Groot Trek was a one ticket!
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